From 2016-2023, I was a ghost on social media. No Instagram. No Twitter. Nothing (OK fine, LinkedIn but… come on).
This offline presence was a deliberate act. In fact, I had (regretfully) deactivated and deleted both my Instagram and Facebook profile, losing all the connections I had previously made over the years. I had taken this (what I consider) all or nothing stance, prioritizing and valuing privacy without fully considering the implications.
However, in retrospect, like everything else in life, there was a trade off: social connection. Or rather, lack of social connection.
To be clear: having an online profile does not automatically imply that you are social. Having a profile does not imply you are connected and plugged into your community, into your friend’s lives. In my opinion, that social capital is gained through showing up. Consistently. There’s no substitute for that, I think. And through consistent interactions with others, you start to develop trust with others, which is hard earned as an outsider, a role that I’m all too familiar with as someone who not only moved around significantly throughout my childhood (e.g. 5 different schools over 6 years) — something I’d like unpack now that I type these words out on the screen.
Also, showing up takes different forms. Yes, showing up in person cannot be emulated. A warm hug. Sitting crossed legged from a friend while sipping on tea or coffee. Wrapping your arms around a friend or family member when they are crying (or being on the receiving end). The in person experience cannot be replaced. However, short of that, there are other opportunities to cultivate friendships.
Sending voice messages.
Talking on the phone.
Sending text messages.
Again, there’s nuance and multiplicity in building your own social fabric.
Back to participating in social media. I have my own intentions and deliberate use of social media. Aware that it may evolve over time, here’s how I practice social media. I showcase what’s going on in my life.
First, without periodically posting, reaching the number of friends and family, while not impossible, can be challenging. Occasionally, on Instagram, I’ll check who views my stories (which are ephemeral by nature) and for the most part, the 200 or so people are all friends and family from real life. Folks that I’ve known for many years. Some folks recently connected through the dance scene.
And the reason I post about my life is the same reason I watch other people’s stories and post: to either get acquainted with their life and stay plugged in.
More often than not, the posts provide just enough insight into one’s life that motivates me (and others) to then direct message (DM) and reach out to one another. Because for the most part, not always, people post about things that they value (or explicitly share and tell others what they disapprove of). In this way, when I find people who share similar values, I feel more inclined to reach out to them and build a potential friendship.
Second, ever since I could get my hand on a camcorder, I’ve been recording videos and snapping photos. I have footage of me learning how to break dance when I was about 9 years old. I have footage of the last moments with me and my uncle. Like so many others, I love capturing and showcasing what I consider beautiful. What I value. Memories. Giving people a platform to showcase themselves. Giving myself a platform (more on this below) to express my identity (which at age 36, I’m still exploring and staying curious).
Third, learning how to stay on my own two feet and building a practice of fighting FOPO, as Michael Gervais calls it, fear of other people’s opinion. This deserves an article blog post on its own because I am actively working on reducing my sensitive to both 1) other people’s acceptance of me and 2) other people’s rejection of me. Two sides of the same coin. Though my sensitivity to other’s opinions has driven me in ways that I am grateful for, it’s limited me in more ways than one: going for things I want despite people disapproving it, shooting my shot (with people or opportunities) that I otherwise would not go for out of fear.
Anyways, just my .02 at 5:30 am on a Saturday morning, typing quietly as possible, breathing like a mouse, as to not wake up Elliott up who is bound to wake up in the next hour.