While sitting in a local cafe where I work remotely, sipping on my Earl Grey Tea with a splash of Soy milk and honey, I shifted my gaze away from my laptop and saw a woman standing outside, a person I had walked past by earlier. When I had first saw her, I thought to myself: I really liked her vibe and her outfit. So I had the thought to go step outside and compliment her.

Paying people genuine compliments is a skill that I’ve been practicing over the years. Because I am sensitive to people’s responses, I sometimes feel a bit anxious as to how they will react.

I have thoughts of: will this person think I am hitting on them? Will they get offended, thinking that I am objectifying them?

These types of thoughts run through my mind when approaching both men and women (although I would say I am extra mindful when approaching women).

Before approaching anybody, I call upon my DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skills. I think to myself: is my wise mind saying that I am behaving in a way that’s accordance to my long values?

A quick cope ahead: even if they respond negatively, can I tolerate their reaction?

At the same time, DBT wise mind skills includes a quality of “participation”, to give in fully to the moment. For example, if you are out dancing the night away, you might want to just root yourself “in the moment” without overthinking, without over-analyzing.

While juggling both wise mind “effectiveness” and “participating”, I stood up from my seat and walked outside the cafe, approached this woman and said “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you and I just want to say I really like your outfit.”

Her eyebrows raised, and I interpreted her response as a bit surprise. In her thick (I think) French accent, she responded.

“Um. Uh. You want this?” pointing at her scarf.

I felt so embarrassed.

Living in London, there’s so much more diversity when compared to America (where I was living). Here, one cannot safely assume that people speak English. Often just when you are out and about, you’ll hear so many different languages. Sometimes I can pick up on the language (e.g. Spanish, Russian), other times not.

Now, though I felt temporarily embarrassed, will I pay a compliment to someone else in the future? For a brief moment, I felt discouraged. But the reality it is that you can never fully anticipate how someone will respond.

Sometimes someone will appreciate it.

Sometimes someone will not.

And sometimes someone will think you want their scarf.