Creating YouTube Playlist on my channel serves multiple purposes. First, doing so in a way for me to practice my organization skills. Second, a playlist enables me to chronologically view my dance journey. Third, playlists help viewers (subscribers and non-subscribers) paint a better picture of what dance classes in studios look and feel like.
Now, I do have a backlog of edited house dance recap videos that live on my iPhone and Instagram (stories), not yet uploaded to YouTube. How many? If I had to guess, probably in the range of 50 videos or so. Will I upload all of them? Although I’d like to, probably not. Perhaps a select few.
What other playlists will I want to create? Off the cuff, here are a few ideas
Stretching and flexibility journey – I started stretching on May 16, 2024 (162 days ago) and similar to my dance, I’ve been documenting my flexibility journey
Daughter and dad recap videos – Whenever I watch videos of Elliott and me, I feel joy and love. It’s yet another way to remind myself that I am living a life that’s both worth living and living a live that’s aligned with my long term values
In the middle of recording a video during yesterday evening’s dance class, my iPhone popped up an alert, a message notifying me that I ran out of disk space and that the current video recording was halted. After seeing the notification, I had mentally prepared myself to visit the Apple store to trade in my phone, upgrading the iPhone to one with larger disk capacity — perhaps doubling the capacity, from 2TB to 4 TB — but fortunately discovered that I can reclaim about 1/2 a TB of space by performing some clean up, pushing out the need to upgrade my phone.
What’s taking up all that space?
I attend dance classes ritually on Tuesdays and Thursdays and almost every class, I capture footage of the entire class, recording myself in order to both 1) create recap videos and 2) reflect on my dance, what I liked, what I dislike. These dance classes in London tend to run 90 minutes and recording at 30 frames per second (FPS), 1080P, HEVC encoding (I had assumed video was being encoded with H.264 and today learned about HEVC, a more efficient format), that’s about 3.6 GB of disk space per hour of video, taking up about 5.4 GB of space per class.
But why the hell is CapCut program itself eating up almost 1TB of space, almost half of the capacity on my iPhone?
What the hell is going on!?
It appears that CapCut duplicates each imported video file in a project. That’s my guess and it would make sense because the application should not affect the original file. This would explain why a project file consisting of a 30 second video clip extracted from 2 hour clip take up 10GB?
So now, I am currently performing some maintenance on my iPhone, carefully deleting project files. What’s odd is that there seems to be some sort of misreporting of disk space because when I delete what I think is 10 GB of project files, I only see a few hundred (about 400 MB) reclaimed. Maybe, just maybe, there’s another reason, like perhaps some background process or thread has not kicked in to update the disk utilization?
Either way, I am going to hold off on upgrading my iPhone that contains a larger capacity and try and reclaim 500GB of space.
All the time, we all hear the following: “Just be yourself.” On the whole, I concede that these words form sage and sound advice. In fact, as someone who historically shaped shifted throughout his life in order to conform to social expectations, I mindfully practice being myself every day.
The act of being oneself is a topic over the past six months occupies a large portion of my mental real estate. Because I’m interested in this topic, I fall victim to Baader-Meinhof phenomenon (i.e. frequency bias), my attention antennae keep gravitating towards discussion where the topic of “being oneself” centers the conversation.
In fact, this entire post was motivated by a podcast episode (from The Capsule, a London based dance podcast) revolving around sports psychology performance. During that episode, the guest (Jo-L) shares his perspective on having the choice to be yourself:
“You can make a choice … People are going to love you for everything that you are … and everything you want to be … [or] they are going to hate you for that. Then, on the other hand, there are going to be like hating you for all the things that you are not, as in that you pretend to be. So like, essentially speaking, you’re making the choice between like …. you’re going to be loved or hated anyway, so you might as well be loved for the things that you wanted to be loved for.”
In response to this, the podcast host points out even a more subtle, more dangerous aspect to what I’m going to call betraying yourself.
“… or even worst, lose [a dance battle] cause of who I am not. Imagine changing your whole dance because that’s the RIGHT thing to do or the RIGHT way of dancing”.
Overall, I agree and I myself will continue biasing towards just being myself.
However, my curious nature wanted to dig into the notion of betraying yourself (i.e. “not being yourself”) and how I consider it to be quite a seductive position. Because there will be moments in which you betray yourself. Because there are moments when you will be rewarded in the form of praises from others.
According to Chase Jarvis, he believes this constant betrayal happens to all of us:
“We will all betray ourselves over and over again and the goal is to just do so slightly less and return to ourselves with a little more kindness and a little more awareness and get 1 percent better every day … the person who is a degree off who walks a thousand miles”
With that in mind, let’s compare being yourself versus betraying yourself.
Be yourself
When you just show up as who you are, you might be liked by others. This quadrant, to me, is the ideal condition, wouldn’t you say? There’s no performing. You spend little cycles taking the temperature of the room. You spend less time evaluating body language and attuning to facial micro expressions. You are doing what dialectical behavior therapy calls participating, mindfully being in the moment.
Of course, when you are being yourself, you may be disliked by others. This is inevitable, considering there are over 8 billion people occupying this earth. How could any one person be liked by everyone? That’s statistically impossible. Furthermore, every individual person on this earth is unique, according to Reiss Motivation Profile, which posits that though we are all motivated by the same 16 basic human desires, how much we’re motivated by each value differs.
Betraying yourself
On the whole, betraying yourself is more or less “masking”, being someone you are not. At the risk of being overly understanding (is that even possible), we all do this, according to Chase Jarvis
“We will all betray ourselves over and over again and the goal is to just do so slightly less and return to ourselves with a little more kindness and a little more awareness and get 1 percent better every day … the person who is a degree off who walks a thousand miles”
Now, betraying yourself can be effective (and dare I say, useful) in certain contexts. For me, personally, assuming we all betray ourselves on and off throughout the course of our life, I want to both give latitude to myself and increase my awareness when this betrayal occurs.
Though we can betray ourselves in the short term, it is not, according to sports Psychologist Michael Gervais, unsustainable in the long term.
“You contort to fit in. You sacrifice authentic expression on the altar of approval. You twist yourself into a shape that appears socially acceptable but it’s performative in nature. The response does not represent your authentic self. Contorting creates a temporary relief but leaves you feeling disconnected from others. Because you don’t share your true self, you never feel connected, understood, or embraced, nor do you become a trusted member of the community. By pretending to be someone you’re not, you constantly feel the pressure to maintain the facade. This can intensity the feelings of insecurity and fear of exposure.” (pg. 40; Gervais: First Rule of Mastery)
Now, what about betraying yourself and being disliked by others? If being yourself and being like by others is the most ideal quadrant, then betraying yourself and being disliked is the least ideal, the most disappointing. The possibility of this happening sufficiently motivates me to shy away from this behavior: what a slap in the face to pretend to be someone you are not, only to be rejected?
Summary
So, armed with this information, how do I want to approach my life from this point? These days, I tend to choose “Be Yourself”. I’m someone who values high degrees of acceptance (i.e. two standard deviations from the norm).
I will end this post with a little snippet from Steve Job’s commencement speech, which I’ve been memorizing and rehearsing daily, as if it were my own personal mantra. I wake up in the morning, verbally recall these words, and then from memory, try and write down these words. For me, it is one of the ways I am practicing a stoic approach to living:
“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what’s truly important. Remembering that you’re going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You’re already naked. There’s no reason not to follow your heart …
Your time is limited, so don’t go wasting it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other people’s opinions drown your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly to become. Everything else is secondary”
Best part of my day yesterday was when Elliott handed me over a little drawing (see featured image above) that she drew with a pen and 8×11 printer paper that was folded in half. I felt joy wash over me and had asked her to what drawings on the card were: “That’s you. That’s me. And that’s a heart, for us”
Today
Talked with Martin and Ethan on FaceTime video – nice catching up with my good friend Martin and his son. Ethan was eating a “healthy” ice cream that he had made (with his mom) made of fruits and (cow’s) milk. The color of the ice cream was … orange … and when I had asked what the flavor was, Martin said “Maybe Watermelon?” I was like, come on Martin, it’s god damn orange, how could it be watermelon, are you color blind ?!?
Stretched – forward fold, elephant walk, and hamstring lunge. And posted on the Stretch Therapy forum
Sent a voice message to Kennedy and sung her happy birthday – my little Libra friend just turned 23 and I had setup a notification in my task manager, reminding me to wish her happy birthday
Cancelled Dance Class – Every Tuesday, without fail, I dance at Pineapple and take a house dance class. However, my legs are still shattered from this past Sunday’s 1:1 Dance Private with Samantha Mavinga. So I listened to my body, honoring its request to get some rest.
Worked out of Starbucks at Wimbledon – they have way more comfortable seats than the Costa I typically work out of. In addition, because this Starbucks has a long bench, I can periodically alter my sitting position. And because I’m more flexible than ever, I can (without pain) sit crossed legged (i.e. Indian Style)
Tackled administrative items that I’ve been procrastinating on – sent 3400.00 GBP to my (soon to be) ex wife for interim spousal support, an amount I disagree with but accept (side note: I believe in universal laws and will leave it at that for now), contacted IRS
Practiced skills learned from Waves of Focus – pausing, considering organizing one thing, link bury and mark
OrganizedElliott’s slime party – contacted the slime vendor and coordinate with other parents to confirm time and place. My ex had thrown a party for Elliott and I wanted to do something nice for Elliott on the weekend that I had her and she was so excited about the idea of a slime party
Throughout my life, I’ve been described by others as a “go-getter”, someone who “gets things done”. While I appreciate both the positive feedback and while I am grateful in my ability to get shit done, one other area I’d like to devote more time and attention to is the act of reviewing — reflecting. Sometimes I feel like life is rapidly passing by, and I have thoughts that I’m in a perpetual state of doing, constantly on the move (according to my birth chart, difficulties of sitting still can be attributed to my Gemini sprinkled everywhere).
But to repeat: I am appreciative of my capabilities that have gifted to me. Yet, sometimes I wonder if some of the challenges in life (e.g. disorganization) that I face in life can be better understood (and subsequently solved) simply by taking a step back, changing my perspective, and asking myself questions, turning inwards, instead of turning outwards.
Lately, the motivation to spend more time reflecting can be partially attributed to me watching a (recorded) video (available only to Waves of Focus members) with David Sparks, a “productivity” expert. In that video, he talks about the importance of reflecting in terms of building a sustainable productivity system
“I’m getting emails from people saying ‘I just can’t figure out why it’s not working’ … The difference — 99% of the time — is people who DO reviews versus people who DON’T make time for them.”
Dance Private Thoughts and Reflections
Because I live about 60-90 minutes away from the dance studio where the lesson was scheduled to take place, I had asked Mavinga if we could arrange for a 90 minute lesson instead of the typical 60 minutes, making the commute more worth it (to me). In retrospect, proactively scheduling a longer lesson was the right call especially so since the warm up (described below) ran for about 30-40 minutes. Had we not preemptively increased the 1:1 time, we would’ve only been left with less than 20 minutes on the actual dance portion.
“Warm up” and training to point of exhaustion
Brutal because high intensity training is not something I’ve been focusing on recently
Historically, cardio and high intensity was my forte, my strength. However, apart from dance classes and at home technique practice, my attention (in terms of physical training) has been devoted to stretching and flexibility
In retrospect, the high intensity training has value for several reasons, among which is that I’d like to be able to sustain and train longer when practicing on my own. Often, limitation is on physical endurance and as such, cuts my practices short
Biggest Takeaway
Someone there to motivate and push made a difference – during the “warm up” (love how she calls it this, because it really is more of like a high intensity interval training workout), there was more than one moment where I was gasping for air and ready to throw in the towel but she shouted “aller aller aller” (go go go) and that helped concentrate my mind
The HIIT workout (above) was no doubt physical training, but also mental – in addition to her words of encouragement, she would say “come on, it’s in the mind. Let’s go let’s go”
Hip hop vs House bounce – she was able to both demonstrate and point out the differences in the look and feel of a hip hop vs house bounce. Because I have practically zero experience with hip hop dance, I found this new groove challenging
Compass exercise – we performed the bounce in multiple directions, performing the bounce in a variety ways; center of gravity still, center of gravity forward.
In person vs remote training differs
The energy in the room can be felt
More motivating – difference between someone in the room saying “let’s go let’s go”
Ability to see small details – goes both ways, while witnessing her in person and her ability to see what I was doing
“Be more precise” and small passing comments can have the most impact and lasting impact – during the compass exercise (above), after one of my rounds, she said “Be more precise” with the direction I was facing. She wants to be able to see the difference and the INTENTION.
After the training
When I got home, I continued practicing the bounce in front of the mirror
I experimented with where I distributed weight
The step bounce feels (and looks) different when transferring weight to ball of foot vs distributing to entire foot
I feel the burn more in my thighs (a good thing I think) when transferring weight to the ball of foot, versus being flat foot
I can leverage my athleticism when deliberately transferring on ball of foot
That is, I can move with more speed
In retrospect, may have over-indexed with dancing with more “weight” this past year and recognize there are moments (like the bounce) where I might want to transfer weight to ball of foot
Bend BOTH legs during the step bounce, especially the back leg
Previously was only bending the front leg but when I closely watched Samantha Mavinga, I noticed that the heel of back foot lifted ever so slightly, indicating to me that she was engaging the back leg, though she did not explicitly or verbally state this
I am returning to the practice of writing up reviews and reflections. Sometimes daily. Sometimes weekly. The review itself is not the goal. In fact, the act of reflecting (for me) provides the most value. It’s a practice.
Overview
Noticed dissatisfaction with my own “bounce” and thus modified technique and redistribute weight
Adjusted upper body groove for the “drunk walk”
Incorporated a knee bend in base leg during the heel toe movement
Bounce technique modification
Seems like such a simple move: the bounce. However, because I tend to watch videos of dancers — ranging from beginners to experts — I’m starting to notice the aesthetic differences between bounces. Though I cannot recall what specific video prompted this thought, I started noticing a subtle (perhaps obvious to others) difference; that being said, I believe this was prompted by watching back Monday’s video of me doing the (older version) of my bounce; I dislike the look of bounces in which the during the downwards direction of the bounce, the knee extends beyond the toes. In doing so, the shin creates an angle that (to my eye) is not beautiful.
Also, though I’ve been told to “lean forward” during this movement, I actually think that’s not entirely accurate. Though leaning forward is a byproduct, it’s not the goal. For me, to achieve the look, it’s more of ensuring that you are going through the motions of a “squat”. It’s more of driving your hips and butt back and down, respectively.
Comparing old and new bounce, side by side
Drunk walk groove adjustment
This move is one that I haven’t been able to get quite yet. And though I’ve tried with Karina / Kerry house dance, I was able to very quickly pick up the move simply by watching him in person. Which makes me wonder: what are some other trade offs that are being made by taking online 1:1 privates? At the same time, I recognize that sometimes it takes multiple repetitions, multiple exposures, before the move suddenly clicks in place.
In any case, my observation is as follows: lean upper body torso in the opposite direction of the leg stepping out in front. That is, if right leg stepped out in front, then lean torso to the left. Similarly, if the leg leg stepped out in front, then lean torso to the right.
What classes did I take?
Monday – Kashmir’s 4 hour hip hop and house training in East London
Tuesday – Ani’s choreography house class at the Pineapple
Thursday – Jevan’s house dance class at Base Dance Studios
Tuesday Class Reflection
On Tuesday, I had the thought to NOT go to class but I am glad I did. I almost never regret attending a dance class
Thursday Class Reflection
I keep saying this over but that class was one of my favorite classes, for multiple reasons.
After my class partner provided me her feedback, I felt an instant emotional shift in my body, suddenly able to TRUST my body, simply by redirecting my focus from nailing the moves to stretching out each move.
Observed during the heel toe step, Jevan (the instructor) would maintain a slight bend in the knee of the base leg (i.e. leg not extending). When I witnessed during the warm up routine, I tried to make that adjustment in my own movement and was pleasantly surprised. First, the pain my left hip reduced. Second, the move appeared more aesthetically pleasing; I tend to not throw heel toe in my freestyle rounds because I’m not satisfied with how it feels or looks but yesterday a tiny victory. Now, it’ll take repetition and training for my body to acclimate to the changes I am introducing. Fascinating that while watching someone’s movement and detecting subtle differences in biomechanics.
I started fumbling during the second half of class when we were being witnessed by our freestyle partner, each of us taking turns to “perform” the combo in front of one another
Jevan invited each freestyle partner to provide one piece of positive feedback and one criticism for growth. Jevan believes that feedback is not utilized enough in classroom settings. Overall, I agree.
My partner stated that I had the moves down and they look good however I could stretch out the movement and listen to the music. More or less, the same advice I continue to hear but her being able to see it and succinctly put it into (what felt like compassion) words despite only just meeting me and seeing me dance for the first time, had a profound effect on me for the remainder of class and I think for the rest of my dance career. Oh also, she mentioned that she liked how even when I forgot the combo, I didn’t freeze (I’ve done this many many many times before when I first moved to London) and instead continued to move my body and picked it back up. Ironically, she had also forgotten the routine during her third round and then she (my perception) confidently executed filler moves. Whether she panicked internally or not, I’ll never know but she portrayed confidence during her stumble
The combo itself was beautiful, combination of the skate, heel toe, pas de bourree, farmer run
I took it SO easy on myself (compared to the past) when I was unable to pick up the final movement that Jevan had showed us. I didn’t stress about it; didn’t have thoughts that “I should know how to do this”. I recognized in the moment that trying to nail that last move would’ve put me in a state of overwhelm.
Noticed I was holding tension in my ankle while performing the farmer run. When I relaxed the ankle and relaxed the foot, the move looked more aesthetically pleasing
Talking with friends over the phone almost always lifts my spirits. Over the years, through some tough life lessons (including divorce, burning out working at Amazon) that I no longer place all my eggs in one basket. I follow this mantra for multiple areas of my life and that includes my social fabric. It’s just … relying on a single person places too much burden on them, I think. This includes romanetic and non-romantic relationships (dear God, am I turning poly?)
Talked on the phone with Brandon (WhatsApp voice call)
He actually moved from Seattle to Japan! So proud
He said that my little nudges helped propel him forward and follow his dream
Hopped on a short call with Kristine (WhatsApp voice call)
Her and I have been trying to link up for a while and jokingly (I think) she said maybe we’re finally able to talk because it was a full moon eclipse (I have no fucking clue what that entails and will research it)
Caught up with Kennedy (FaceTime audio)
We’ve sort of fell out of touch after her visiting me here in London
She’s going to message me some dance academic papers since I’m interested in learning about dynamics (and other concepts) from both a theoretical and practical point of view
Exchanged some Instagram voice messages with LIYVZ (IG messages)
As mentioned in this blog post, her recent video inspired me and I reached out to her to share my joy
Today
Stretch – calves, ankles, and squat
Meditate (paired muscle relaxation) and concentration exercise
Pick up Elliott from school and celebrate her classmates birthday (potentially in the nearby café due to rain)
Visit Waves of Focus online class
Revisit Pilates / Yoga instruction
Reach out to Mercan to see if he wants battle 2 vs 2 for upcoming battle – he said yes! I’m excited and we’re going to plan on training together over the next few weeks in preparation. I’m both excited and nervous
Posted on IG about the creative dance project bridging computer science and dance – sorting algorithm with house dancers
Elliott made the cutest face to guilt me into giving her gum (for her birthday) … and it worked
Liyvz, a K-Pop singer posted the video below on her Instagram page and I love love love the message that she shared and the story she shares exemplifies bravery and willingness to “be you” despite public criticism. Her willingness to practice authenticity is an attribute that I am not only striving for, but actively working on (related blog post: stop worrying about what people think of you)
Right out the gate, she shares a common question she gets:
“What am I trying to achieve by being a plus sized K-Pop artist.”
She discusses that when she first started releasing music, despite wanting perform as a solo artist, she initially joined a band.
“Even though I just started out that way, I was like ‘let me just do things with the band’ because at that point I had gained a lot of weight. I don’t want people to make fun of me when I go up there and do this thing that’s so vulnerable and so special to me.”
This makes so much sense and I can relate. For much of my life, I’ve feared being in the spotlight and at the same time, craved it, a deep desire to be able stand up on my own two feet and at the same time, so unsure of myself and afraid of public humiliation. And I can see how joining a band seems like the “safer” choice. Doing so provides some (potentially illusion) security: strength in numbers, right?
However, when her and her band starting gaining traction on social media, the comments directed towards her were — by what I call keyboard warriors — predominately poking fun at her. I feel anger when I hear people trying to humiliate he; in fact, in general, I have little tolerance for public humiliation and will check somebody when they try to do so.
Anyways, after being in a band for some time, she eventually took the leap for going solo as an artist. To her surprise, when she went out on her own, she received “a lot more positive reception” and more and more people were genuinely rooting for her.
Her main take away?
“No matter how much you try to like put yourself in a box or make yourself what other people want you to be, being yourself is probably gonna be the best reception that you’re gonna get…if you are going to put yourself out there, you might as well do it authentically because the people who really like and admire you in that space are gonna be admiring you for who you truly are.”
She’s spot on here. This is similar advice I heard recently from Jo-L, when he was a guest on the London Capsule’s podcast episode, when he said:
“You can make a choice. People are going to either love you for everything that you are and everything you want to be. Or they are going to hate you for that. Then on the other hand, they are going to be hating you for all the things you are not, that you are pretending to be. So essentially, you are going to be loved and hated anyway. So you might as well be loved for the things that you really want to be loved for.
Ultimately, the point is this: be yourself. Liyvz’s states that you should just be you. “You can try to make yourself more palatable for other people but at the end of the day, you end up drained you end up feeling like you’re not being your true self.”
Her statement is both wise and aligned with what Michael Gervais — PhD and sports psychologists — writes in his book The first step of mastery: stop worrying about what other people think of you.
Michael shares that “the exhaustive need to perform will tear at the seams of well-being, relationships, and one’s own potential.”
In sum, I absolutely admire her tenacity, vulnerability, and commitment to herself. And it’s the path that I’m walking down myself: learning to just be me and practicing how to stop worrying about what other people think of me.
My Seattle based dance friend named Mateus flew in Thursday evening and stayed at my flat (goodness I’m so British now) with me until Sunday morning, when he flew back and returned to the states. These past days, I felt a lot of joy and love and gratefulness. Now, I just rode the bus with him to Wimbledon, dropping him off at the station and I’m now cozily posted up in the Starbucks located across the the street, sipping on my earl grey tea + soy milk + honey and writing this little blog post.
Here’s the main squeeze
Less anxiousness compared to previous instances when guests stayed with me in the past – Historically, I’d have a lot of worry thoughts leading up any guest staying with me: “Gosh, I need to clean up around here; I’m so messy” ; “Is there enough space in the house?”; “Are we going to get along; what will they think if XYZ”; “What if we both need to take a shit at the same time”. Nowadays, thanks to all the dialectical behavioral therapy training I received, along with me current work on eliminating (or reducing) fear of opinion of others (FOPO), I’m finding that I’m spending less time preoccupying myself with worry thoughts and spending less time anticipating what others may (or may not) think of me
Increased confidence that getting a divorce was the right decision – I’ve said this and I’ll say it again: the divorce has been the most painful and yet most awakening, profound, spiritual experience of my life, giving me a glimpse into not only the true nature of people — I admit that the criticisms of me have been true: I often give people too much the benefit of the doubt. With certain events unfolding over the weekend, I feel it even more in bones that I’m on the “right” path, my own path, practicing what my daughter says to me: “just being me.”
Experienced feelings of pride after two instances of sober dancing – I used to get crippling anxiety out of fear of embarrassing myself when dancing in front of others. Actually, digging into this deep, it was probably also (unjustified) shame about who I was. Fast forward to present day, I’m finding my ability to dance in social contexts without over-indexing on “what are people thinking of me”. This in itself is a victory and in Kit Laughlin’s words: “no victory too small to celebrate”
Highlights of the trip
Dance on Thursday Night: Class ➡️ Caravan
Despite dancing in a studio and participating in battles and jams, getting pulled into a cypher consisting of people (dancers and whatnot) in a new space absolutely terrified me and I enjoyed it because there were moments where I drew in multiple deep breaths to relax myself during the performance
Credit: @lishaatretton
Every time a (dance community member) friend from Seattle visits me in London, I invite them to join me at dance classes.
So far, I’ve the following individuals have visited me:
Kennedy – Stayed in my flat with me for about a week
Will – Went to two dance classes with me on Tuesday and Thursday and grabbed dinner and tea at Vauxhall’s Tea House Theatre
Pat (and Chandler) – Attended Jevan’s class with me on Thursday and then three of us ate dinner at Vauxhall market place
Mateus
That’s a total of 5 people in 5 months!
Each and every time I’m visited, my energy and spirits are lifted.
Vauxhall, dance class, being offered a churro and Caravan
And this past Thursday with Mateus: no exception. The two of us were able to survive one of the most physically demanding classes on Thursday night – the instructor Kashmire who was subbing for the instructor, Jevan — and following the evening, him and I (along with a new London dance friend named Aubrey) grabbed some dinner at Vauxhall marketplace.
The Vauxhall marketplace was surprisingly packed. I had walked up and down the market place several times searching for an empty table. In the end, I found a rather long table that was partially occupied with two groups, one group consisting of a young man (probably about 20 years old) eating in the corner by himself. I had noticed he was eating churros and commented that “I love churros! How is it? I’m probably going to go grab one myself.” His face lit up, said it was tasty, and then offered me some of his churro. Initially, I said that was so kind and thank you but I’ll purchase my own. However, in the moment, I had interpreted his offering as a gesture, a bid for connection. So I remained curious and followed up, “I really appreciate your offer and not sure if you’re just being polite. You sure I can have a piece of churro?” He quickly nodded. I thank the DBT skills that I’ve developed over the years to remain mindful, to check in with my emotions, and my (increased) willingness to sit with uncertainty and discomfort. After scarfing down one of his churros, that opened up the channels of communication between the four of us — me, my two friends, and this total stranger — and ultimately had a lovely conversation before he took off to head back towards South London.
Favorite moments at Caravan
Caravan is a monthly event curated by artists. The event itself attracts predominately dancers, musicians, singers — artists. I enjoyed going this particular evening especially since I attended along side Mateus and Aubrey.
In addition, all three of us — at different times — got pulled into the center of the dance floor, each of us dancing and freestyling. I loved witnessing both of them dance and can say that I was in both awe and proud of Aubrey because that was the first time (in about 5 months since I’ve known her) see her break a smile on her face while dancing. Whether or not she was feeling it or not, she conveyed a sense of joy during her performance. I felt it.
As for me, I was both anxious when I got called and drew in a couple deep breathes and “let go”, turning off the left side of my brain. I even was able to express musicality and hit the drums that were kicking in. Even though I dance in a studio, battle, the environment was different. Strangers. New Space. The environment completely changes the vibe and ultimately, it felt unfamiliar. I’m not the first to admit that the environment itself can alter the way one moves. In fact, I stumbled on an article describing catching the ghost and that academic paper talks about how other (very experience house dancer experts) share similar sentiments, that the space and crowd (i.e. “civilians”) play a role in one’s dance.
Clubbing at Fabric on Friday Night
(Re) Discovering I fail to whisper quietly
Apparently, I cannot whisper (quietly) and increasing self-awareness of my loud whispering voice. On Friday evening, Mateus and I were sitting next to one another on a bench located outside the night club (Fabric), each of us eating a sandwich. Then a group of beautiful women walked past by us and I wanted to signal Mateus to look and (in my head) thought that I was being subtle. However, Mateus burst out in laughter letting me know that my “yo yo yo” was the antithesis of being subtle and that I practically shouted those words out and if I was trying to be inconspicuous, I had failed.
There’s a discrepancy between what I sound like versus what people hear and this difference is a good example of self-awareness (or lack thereof).
Stopping by my daughter’s birthday party hosted by her mom
I experienced joy seeing Elliott light up at her birthday party. I experienced some grief. And ultimately, the visit itself served as a strong reminder that getting divorced from my ex was/is the best thing for me.
My ex had invited me to attend my daughter’s birthday that was going to be hosted by her and her family, the party taking place at her mom’s house. I had mentioned a numerous amount of times to my ex that I feel uncomfortable being in the same space as her, especially since (almost a year later since our initial official separation) we’re in the midst of a rather contentious divorce. Moreover, when the two of us are confined in a small space together, old behaviors and patterns and interpersonal interactions flare up, part of the reasons that drove us apart. I can only speak from my perspective that I want little to not interactions between my daughter’s mother however there are rare instances where I’m willing to be co-located in the same space, for my daughter.
I didn’t want to mask while I was attending at the party and at the same time, I had emotionally and prepared myself (to the best of my ability) for stepping into a situation where my ex is present with her new partner along with all my ex’s family members (e.g. brothers, parents, grand parents).
What I didn’t expect from the experience was bursting out into tears when her younger brother, Alex, asked me “How have you found the move to London?” I answered honestly and said, “It’s been so hard leaving friends and family behind. While I do love it here, I’m doing this predominately for Elliott.” Then I just started tearing up. It was a mix of how much I love my daughter so much and a moment of brief grief and sadness for the friends and family I left behind.
I really appreciate Mateus attending my daughter’s birthday party with me. After the party, I was still feeling emotional and his presence and validation that the energy in that space was “off” was validating.
I also recognized during the birthday party that after being with my ex for 6 years, I’ve formed and developed relationships with other people attending the birthday party, including her brothers, their brothers partners. Despite wanting to distance myself as much as possible from my ex, I became aware that I miss the relationships that I had formed with those others. I don’t maintain contact with them for various reasons. Chief among those reasons is that during the early stages of the divorce process, my ex would bring up my Instagram stories during our mediation despite me blocking her on social media. I figured she was getting her information from our mutual friends and family however I recognize while that is possible, the more likely scenario is that she was (or is) periodically checking my public Instagram (and YouTube) page.
Rest and Recovery (sort of) and visiting tourist attractions
I’ve lived in London now for 5 months and somewhat embarassingly admit that I have yet to tour any of the major tourist attractions. Seeing those landmarks are definitely beautiful and at the same time, I’ve never been drawn towards seeing those landmarks. Regardless, I did enjoy briefly visiting them with Mateus, the two of us seeing:
Buckingham palace
The London Eye
Big Ben
I threw in the towel at around 6pm and headed back to the flat before Mateus, allowing him to do more tourist things while I get some down time. When I had gotten home, I walked the dogs and then heated up a pizza and then baked us some vegan cookies (many folks who try out my cookies tell me that it’s some of the best cookies they ever eaten and that they don’t taste vegan: score).
I recently listened to a podcast episode by Harry Mack — a very gifted freestyle rap artist — named “Flow State” and I want to share a few key insights I took away regarding the art of practice. Though the discussion around his beliefs and advice revolve around freestyle rapping, I believe the principles can be more generally applied to other areas of life (e.g. dance) and ultimately, I think he’s ultimately describing mastery.
Harry Mack Podcast Snippet (60 seconds) recapping mastery
Some background: like many others, I like to think that I am someone who values process vs results. Though hitting objectives and reaching goals are important, especially in certain contexts, I stay rooted in the art of mastery in both my personal and professional pursuits. These days, given dance is at the forefront of my life, I’m less concerned about winning a dance battle and more concerned with exploring my mind and body during a performance:
What am I feeling?
What are my thoughts?
Together, these two help gain more self-awareness, help me better understand WHO I AM and help me better align myself with WHO I WANT TO BECOME.
Similarly, on a professional level, these days I’m less concerned with my title and role (something I used to obsess over) and more with what the day to day responsibilities include.
Now, I’ve been interested in the topic of practice and mastery for over a decade; according to my Amazon purchase history, I bought the book “Talent is overrated” and “Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment.” It’s a topic that I find myself gravitating towards on a daily basis.
Okay, enough background. Let’s get into it.
Main Take Away
Harry Mack transferred his knowledge of practice — he’s been playing music since he was 7 — and applied mastery to freestyle rap.
What practicing is NOT: just doing the activity
Here’s a common misconception when it comes to practice: just do the activity (e.g. dance, play the instrument) itself. Nope. That is NOT practice. While Harry Mack concedes that doing the activity itself will improve you skills and will help you ascend to a higher level, performing the activity is insufficient to reach what he considers an elite level. To reach an elite level, one must devote time to actual practice.
So what is it?
What is practicing?
Practice is about identifying your weakness and is more or less fairly regimented. A subtle (but what I consider important) point he makes is that the activity should feel fun and that you are more or less “creating little games for yourself … that are aimed at specific weaknesses so that you can improve upon them.”
I apply this concept of practice to my dance journey. One (of many) area of weaknesses that I’m aware of is my lack of coordination to intentionally perform polyrhythms: move two (or more) body parts at different rhythms. Most recently, I am working on polyrhythm that consists of 1) The cross step 2) Head isolation and 3) Arm movement. Though the integration of all three is what I’m trying to accomplish, I am breaking it down in parts that are manageable and within the range of my abilities. Harry Mack underscores the importance of making the exercises tailor fit for yourself:
“If you are not able to achieve the goal at a decent percentage, you need to slow down, shaving away excess, so you get right to the thing that you’re working on.”
Harry Mack’s example of practicing triplets
His practice is not something he would not typically do in front of others because practice seems rather mundane and he believes (though I disagree here) that his audience would not find it entertaining or engaging.
An example of practice (for him) is triplet rhythms, with one syllable rhymes. The practice would be him rapping four bars:
Off of the top I get in the zone.
I’m on the one I’m never no clone.
I do my bars direct off the dome.
I send these rappers all the way home
He’d perform this exercise for 20 minutes and reminds the listeners of the podcast that the practice is NOT a performance.
Performance: where the rubber meets the road
As mentioned above, practice is highly regimented with clear parameters. When it comes to performing (in front of others), Harry Mack offloads all the regimented practice, letting it all go: “[Performance is] bringing everything together in real time without the regimented structure and there are no rules”
Summary
Ultimately, to practice, you want to come up with your own exercises that:
Get you into a flow state
Match your current skill level
Flow state is not about repeatedly doing something easy. It’s a meditative state.
In fact, it’s about “doing the thing that is at the razor’s edge of your ability …. we can make practice fun; don’t bite off more than you can chew. The surest way that practice doesn’t feel flowy and fun is try to do something that’s way outside your ability and you’re just fucking up the whole time.”
If you are tripping up, try slowing it down, making it easier somehow, or reducing scope.
