As mentioned in previous posts, I used to write up daily reviews for myself and stopped posting on my blog all together after I tried to convert this website into a “professional” website with the intention of building a pipeline of “followers.” To be clear: nothing is wrong with professional websites that are designed to drum up business. However, what I didn’t recognize at that time was that (and only starting to realize now) is that — counter what other people have perceived — I’m motivated by social acceptance. In other words, I’m highly driven to reduce rejection, criticism.
Okay, with that now out of the way.
I’m taking a moment to pause, to breath, to draw in a few deep breathes and reflecting because I’m noticing that the last couple weeks, months really, it feels as though my brain is more scattered, firing off on a hundred cylinders. To elaborate, my levels of “productivity” are at a all time low. When I say productivity, I’m strictly referring to my consulting business, referring to direct income (“cash”) generating activities. Because outside of that, I’m finding myself filling the day with:
Waves of Focus (asynchronous, self-paced) online course
Reading several books: “The first rule of mastery: stop worrying about what people think of you”, “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy
Exploring myself with daily stretching, bi-weekly dance classes
Doubling down on learning more about rhetorical structure theory (RST) – I’ve always wanted to increase my ability to see connections between spans of text AND I’m betting that with additional skills of detecting coherence relations, I can improve as a writer.
But … Maybe I’m burned out.
Maybe I’m overwhelmed with the transition from a married man to a single father.
Maybe I’m still grieving over the lost of my relationships, friends and family, back in the states.
Likely, a combination of all three (and others as well).
At the same time, I’m rooted in gratefulness. Just this morning, I was listening to Eminem’s “Mocking Bird”, a song that I used to listen on repeat when it was first released (20 years ago). The song somehow surfaced to Spotify playlist. Regardless, as I was listening to the song while walking the dogs back home from their morning walk, I found myself stopping in the middle of the side walk, tears forming in the corner of my eyes, a few lines in the song really hitting home:
Now I’m sitting in this empty house just reminiscing Looking at your baby pictures, it just trips me out …
But things have got so bad between us, I don’t see us ever being Together ever again, like we used to be when we was teenagers But then, of course, everything always happens for a reason I guess it was never meant to be But it’s just something we have no control over, and that’s what destiny is
I took a private house dance lesson with Ani and below is a 30 second clip condensed version of our 1 hour private. I had originally reached out to her and asked for a private lesson after struggling in her House Beginner/Intermediate class. In particular, I fumbled with the pas de bourree torso isolation as well as some other grooves that she helped break down. The lesson itself took place at Central Saint Martins (CSM) in London. This was my first lesson that took place outdoors, in public. At first, I felt a bit shy and nervous, since tourists and people in general would walk past by us. But after the first couple minutes, the anxiety wore off and the rest of the private lesson was amazing.
Took the class yesterday night and while still fresh in my mind, brain dumping.
Best part of the class for me was witnessing my freestyle classmate light up with joy midway through her freestyle round when she went for a move, caught a groove, and her face beamed up.
Note: As usual, I’m recalling the choreography from memory and there are details missing including the counts, how the moves relates to the music (big component), and so forth.
Right kick and slide back Left kick and slide back Right kick and drag to the right Left kick and drag to the left Cross step variation to the left Cross step variation to the right Cross step (no variation) to the left Cross step (no variation) to the right
Right kick and slide back Left kick and slide back Right kick and drag to the right Left kick and drag to the left Cross step variation to the left Cross step variation to the right Cross step (no variation) to the left Cross step (no variation) to the right Misdirection to the right Misdirection to the left Misdirection to the right Jump and step to the right Step on to left foot and rebound Roger Rabbit like transition to the left and rebound
Areas of growth
Below are areas in which I felt challenged and would like to drill a bit more
A little bit of dinosaur arms during the kick and slide – felt tense in the anterior part of shoulder and forearm(s) when sliding back and sliding side to side
Foot steps for the misdirection – was unable to land the prescribed landing
Rebound – was unsure if it was just the shoulders turning or the entire torso
Cross step variation – cross step variation differs in two ways. normal cross step (when going to the left) is left leg step to the side, right leg step back, left leg cross over in front to the right. For the variation (to the left) left leg step to side, right leg step forward (NOT back), left leg step BEHIND
Takeaways and observations
Jevan’s back leg bent and knee tucked behind one another during cross step
Increase awareness of torso positioning difference between cross step vs cross step variation (i.e. stepping forward) – Jevan had pointed out that center of weight is slightly leaned back during the variation, whereas center of weight slightly more forward during non-variation
Generally speaking, I struggle with keeping things organized: files on my computer (digital), items in my house (e.g. physical), and my thoughts (i.e. mental). To help combat my organization challenges, I signed up for an online course (i.e. Waves of Focus). In that course, I learned about a tool called the poet compass , which helps individuals evaluate the quality of their organization solutions through a set of criteria.
Since learning the technique about a week ago, I’ve been practicing using the tool especially since I’m aware that when it comes to organizing, I tend to prematurely jump to “problem solving”, often quickly creating solutions that are born out of in the moment frustration. In other words, these solutions are often driven out of impulse. Because of this, rarely do my organization solutions seldom stick around. Now, before I come up with organization solutions, I leverage POET (i.e. Presents Well, Out of the Way, Easy to get to, Trusted) compass along with the corresponding questions (below) associated with each individual criteria.
Questions
Start with the central question of “does it even matter”
Before evaluating your organization solution against each dimension (e.g. presents well, trusted), it’s worth considering taking a step back and asking a more central question: “does it even matter”?
In other words, is the item that you are considering organizing worthy of organization Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes no. Whenever unworthy, consider simply discarding the item.
Questions for P – Presents Well (on time and clear)
It’s not usually worthwhile to try and organize EVERYTHING. More practically, we choose what to (and what not to) organize. For any given object that’s you trying to organize, its often surrounded by other items. The problem with this is how do you separate the signal (i.e. the item you want to organize) from the noise (i.e. the other surrounding items). With “Presents well” criteria, you can increase the signal to noise ratio by asking the following questions:
Can I use an alert/reminder?
Can I use a label?
Will it appear clearly?
Do I like the way it looks/sounds?
Can I weave it into an existing rhythm? (Paths/Lists)
Would grouping or sorting improve things?
Questions for O – Out of the way (invisible)
Like many other people with ADHD, in order to prevent forgetting about items that I’d like to rediscover in the future, I’ll deliberately place them in plain sight. Unfortunately, overtime, the more I apply this strategy, the more clutter I create.
Can this go in a container/box?
Can this go in a cabinet?
Can this go in a folder?
Can this go in a behind/under something else?
Now, you might be sharing some similar worry thoughts as me. Often, when items are tucked away — invisible — future me struggles with refinding the item. That happens. So before you simply place an item in a container or box or cabinet or folder, consider counter-balancing “Out of the way” with “Presents Well”, maybe by including a label.
Questions for E – Easy to use/get to (instant)
Your body’s resistance to an activity isn’t an obstacle to be overcome … The right solution isn’t to start punching the wall harder, it’s to look around for a tool to help you do the job.
– The late Aaron Swartz
Over the years and even now, I’m continuing to increase awareness around the thoughts that swirl around in my head. And anytime the thought of “JUST TRY HARDER” pops up, I try and hit pause, take a deep breath … because this thought serves as a clue. Though that mantra can sometimes translate to “try again” (i.e. perseverance), it’s not always the case and often, JUST TRY HARDER equates to applying brute force. Nowadays, I’m more keen on changing the surrounding conditions so both reduce frustration and increase ease.
Can I bring this closer to its place of use?
Can I link to this from a place I’d use?
How can I practice this?
How can I lean into mastery?
Of the above questions, I find “Can I link to this from a place I’d use” one that I’ve been asking myself consistently throughout the day. By consciously creating links, I am reducing the probability of (as mentioned in the previous section above) losing lingering items and I am increasing the probability of rediscovering them. To elaborate, here’s an example. I recently created an excel sheet to track topics I want to write about: basically content creation tracking. Now, I’ve tried this approach of tracking items in a central location and almost always that central trackers end up decaying, becoming a stale artifact that I fail to maintain. My central writing trackers end up getting abandoned because
I would either forget that I created them in the first place or
I’d feel resigned when being unable to rediscover the original file.
But through the concept of linking, I create more than one way to lead me back to the file.
And, as for the question “How can I lean into mastery, it’s helpful to define the steps of practicing mastery:
Pause with frustration – identify the stumble or opportunity for improvement
Tune to level of ease – shrink down the scope
Return to challenge of ease
In short, practicing mastery (in this context) boils down to: how can I make my solution more accessible.
We can lean into it. Sometimes its hard to recognize that things are not going well and it is tempting to just continue doing what I am doing
– Waves of Focus’s Koroush
Questions for T – Trusted (off the mind)
Finally, to increase the level of trust in our organization solutions, we can ask ourselves the following questions:
What rhythm/habit could this connect to?
What space/”home” can I create for this?
How can I practice this?
How can I take a Step of Mastery?
Put plainly, the level of trust increases through developing habits and repetition.
Summary
If you struggle with “organization” or “productivity” due to a wandering mind (e.g. ADHD), I highly recommend you check out The Waves of Focus online course. And of course, feel free to message me if you have any questions.
Below is a short review and recap of Ani’s house dance class (beginner/intermediate) that takes place in London every Tuesday night at 6:00pm over at Pineapple Studio. Though I enjoy taking this class every Tuesday, this instance of the class was special because my friend Will (from Seattle, who was visiting London) joined me and I felt so much joy to dance with a friend who I trained with back home.
Class Recap
Warm up with foundational move (Jack) and other foundations
Practice several combos that are part of larger choreography
Freestyle Exercise (Rhythm based) with partner
Choreography – Difficulty for me was 6.8 / 10
Freestyle Exercise
In terms of difficulty, I found this exercise 10/10. I struggled and fumbled hard, since its really one of the first times I was consciously trying to dance to a different, prescribed rhythm. Normally, whenever I freestyle, I just kind of go rogue and do whatever I feel like. Of course, sometimes that’s totally normal, especially in a social dance scene (e.g. clubbing). However, consciously dancing to a particular rhythm requires a totally different set of skills. This deliberate practice of dancing to a specific rhythm (see below) tripped me up and for the first few rounds and all I was sustain throughout the exercise was more or less stepping in place and even that in itself overwhelmed me.
The count itself was as follows:
1 2 – +4 5+ 6+ 7 8
Separately, as a result of the frustration I felt during the class, the next morning when I woke up, I ended downloading, installing, and learning Music Score to reproduce the rhythm (this in itself was good practice) and slapped my hands together (more on this in a different blog post).
Choreography
This section serves several purposes.
First, allows me to practice my mental recall. I’m about 4 months into taking choreography classes and my retention is slowly improving. When I took my first choreo class back in April, I fumbled and could barely retain anymore than 2 eight counts and I remembering feeling so frustrating during that first class and a level of resignation.
Second, when I want to refer back to this choreo and practice it, I can. Despite the written choreo below not being precise, I believe that I will be able to practice so as long as its accompanied with the video (below).
So be forewarned, the choreography is not completely accurate and fails to include the counts. That being said, here it is:
Shuffle variation (left side) Pow wow to the front Pow wow to the back Shuffle variation (again) left side Pow wow to the front – slight variation here and instead of kicking out right leg stick it to the ground and reduce the count Tap the right foot Drag – left leg around and hold for 2 counts Step left foot out Get into farmer position with right leg bent Tilt the right hip out and forward – at the same time, shift body weight leftwards back Return and neutral position Step right leg back Step left foot back and toe tap
Transition into squat position Spin left Land in pas de bourree position Pas de bourree to the right but kick out with the left foot Land and transition into loose leg Loose leg with jump kick variation (right side) Loose leg with variation (see new moves section below) Loose leg with variation to the right Continue pivoting on right foot for rest of the count Jack for four bars (i.e. 2 eight counts) Heel Toe right side Heel Toe right side Heel Toe left side (with head tilt) Heel Toe left side
Areas I want to practice
(Continue to) Increase Hip Extension mobility – I felt tight in this line, especially when kicking the leg behind me
Spin move itself – When Ani was spinning, I noticed how her left leg (right leg was the base we were spinning on) was bent at a clean 90 degree angle and left knee cap was tucked behind her right knee cap
Spin transitition into the pas de bourree position
Heel Toe with head tilt – could not land this during class and could line up the counts
Loose leg variation with pivoting on base leg – this was a variation I’ve never seen before and I really enjoyed the smoothness and aesthetic of it
Location: Base Dance Studios (in London, by Vauxhall station) Date/Time: August 08, 2024 @ 5:30pm-6:55pm (85 minutes) Overall class difficulty: 5 out of 10 Combo difficulty: 6 out of 10 Freestyle exercise? Yes
Overview
This blog post serves multiple purposes.
First, it helps me experience gratitude. Attending this class is one of the ways I squeeze in (my low desire of) socializing with folks who share similar values (e.g. physical activity, curiosity, social contact)
Second, the post may motivate someone to take the class and perhaps they are on the fence and want to gain a little insight into what will be learned.
Third, this post is a form of reflection, allowing me to contemplate what moves and exercises I want to continue practicing.
The class agenda was as follows:
Warm up – often my favorite part of the class and I incorporate the moves into my freestyle rounds
Short combination – consisted of the chase, loose legs, dodger, former, tic tac toe (variation) and side walk (variation)
Freestyle partner exercise – each of us took turns with the (above) combination
Cypher – we formed a larger circle (still only consisting of 4 individuals) and exchanged with one another
To get a glimpse of what the class looked like, here’s a little reel I put together that’s part and parcel of my dance journey log.
Combo: Chase, Loose Legs, Farmer, Dodger, Tic Tac Toe, Side Walk
Overall, I felt the difficulty of the combo was 6 out of 10. The reason for the somewhat higher than average difficulty is because I was unfamiliar with the tic tac toe and side walk variation. Outside of these two moves, I was familiar with the other foundational moves (e.g. chase, loose legs, farmer).
Tic Tac Toe variation (right) Tic Tac Toe variation (left)
Side walk variation (left) Side walk variation (right)
Areas of growth
As mentioned above, classes reveal what areas I’d like to work on (there are many). Here are the ones that I struggled with:
Tic Tac Toe – Not only was the positioning of the feet challenging, but the groove and body positioning felt foreign
Transition from dodger (last one) to the tic tac toe – while the dodger move itself was not challenging, theh transition out of this move INTO the tic tac toe tripped me up
The side walk variation – Jevan loves this move and it’s a variation that I haven’t been able to stick for months. In fact, I struggle with this almost every class in which this move is part of the combo. My body is accustomed to a familiar move: the pow wow. That move has been committed to muscle memory so my body wants to default to the pow wow.
The farmer – Though it is considered foundational and something I’ve thrown in rounds before, I’m not quite confident with the timing and feels a bit “off beat”
Syncopated Loose Leg – fan of this variation that he introduced, the first time I’ve danced the move
Freestyle exercise
The freestyle exercise was essentially partnering up with one other person in class and each of us taking turns to perform the freestyle.
After each of performed our combo, our partner would then offer
A positive comment pointing out what they liked out of round and
An area of growth.
For me, the positive comment I received was that my loose legs were the “loosest loose legs” and that it was sublime. For the area of growth, she pointed out my farmer. Though she wasn’t able to precisely offer feedback, I felt even within my body that I was not stretching out the entire downbeat.
Closing – dancing for others AND dancing for self
In a nutshell, you can BOTH dance (for yourself) and perform (for others) — at the same time.
Most of the classes I’ve taken in the United States emphasize that house is a feeling. Instructors often encourage students to NOT perform and instead, dance … to be free. While this belief resonates with me, I find that this assertion can sometimes unintentionally invalidate another aspect of dance: performing.
What I appreciated about what Jevan said was that freestyling is both dancing for yourself AND a performance. I believe the two — dancing for self and dancing for otthers — can (and do) co-exist.
Sometimes I dance without the idea of performance and consider these times rare, consider them “catching the ghost”. Othertimes I’m a bit too in my mind and I find that I am performing. Often, it’s a combination of dancing for self AND for others.
POET compass is a mnemonic that I learned about from the Waves of Focus online course and its a tool that’s designed for qualitatively assessing how well something (e.g. physical, digital) is organized.
Note: I’m currently enrolled in Kourosh’s Waves of Focus program. It’s an online course focused on individuals with the wandering mind, helping us build tools and skills to organize our personal and professional work and help us with, for lack of a better word, “productivity”. In reality, I believe this course has just as much to do with gaining skills to deal with difficult, often negative, emotions like anxiety and frustration. I’ll probably post a series of entries about this program in more depth however in the meantime, I wanted to write to just share a little about one of the tools: POET compass.
What is POET?
P – presents well (on time and clear)
O – out of the way (invisible)
E – easy to use/get to (instant)
T – trusted (off of mind)
Although POET is used to measure how well something is organized, you can equally and similarly evaluate if something is disorganized. We can ask ourselves, “Is it hard to use (or get to), is something in the way, does it not come to mind (when we need it), am I worried about it (too much on the mind”. These questions stem from frustration and out of frustration, we seek organization.
In another post, I’ll elaborate more on each of the measurements above and what sort of questions we may want to further ask ourselves when we are working on organizing. Finally, what I really love about this entire module (on beginnings of organization) is that the notion of organization is not defined as a black or white, a binary. It’s not “yes, it is organized” or “no, it is not organized.” In fact, organization is not even consider a spectrum and instead, it is defined as something with an infinite number of possibilities. It’s a much more functional and compassionate approach to organization.
It’s been one year since you left us and moved on to doggy heaven. I miss you so much. I feel a bit guilty about forgetting the day of your passing and what sparked the memory was me scrolling through my YouTube video archive and noticed the title of the video: July 29, 2023 – Mystique’s departure.
Last year, I received a text message from Myles (our brother), him letting me know that that you, our family dog, (about 16 years old) was suffering and that the family had decided it was finally time to put you down. Immediately I felt a wave of grief wash over me. I was both ready and not ready for this day.
They had booked a vet to come to the house so that you could leave us with some grace and dignity, not in some vet’s office that seems … just so clinical. Because of how much I love you (and I know how much you love me), I couldn’t bear the thought of you leaving this world without me being there physically for you in those last moments. So I had asked mom if she could postpone the vet appointment by 1 day, allowing me to hop on the next plane from Seattle and get down to Los Angeles. And so she was willing and I’m so grateful I was able to spend those last moments with you.
I value the act of repairing relationships after experiencing conflict, especially with my daughter. Repair as a concept was something I learned after stumbling on Dr. Becky Kennedy’s TED Talk titled “The most important parenting strategy.” The premise is simple: as parents we are imperfect (on the daily I practice unlearning perfectionism). And as imperfect parents, we are bound to mess, to fumble, to falter. And for this reason, when we do fall short with our loved ones, we can practice repairing any damage (small or large).
I cannot recall the last time I lost my cool with Elliott.
In her presence, I often keep my DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skills at the fore front of my mind, frequently applying wise mind and the GIVE (Gentle, Be interested, Validate, Easy) skill: attuning to her and validating her feelings (this is especially important to me as someone who grew up and still struggles with chronic invalidation).
Regardless of being equipped with these skills, I fell a short yesterday.
Okay, you are NOT going to get bubble gum anymore
Those are the words that slipped off my tongue after we missed our bus that was no more than 10 feet away from us; the bus driver and I were even making eye contact with one another, him not pulling away from the curb for as long as he could without delaying the other riders.
Elliott had refused to hop on the bus and stood by the side of the road because she was upset and requested that we purchase bubble RIGHT then and there. When the bus had pulled away, I drew in a deep breath and sat myself down at the bus bench, not before telling Elliott we were no longer going to get bubble gum.
Her response: Fine. I don’t want it anyways.
That was a clue for me that I had faltered. She loves bubble gum. I know she wants it and she’s just also frustrated. How many times in our lives have we said “Fine” to our loved ones? More than I’d like to admit.
In the moment, I experienced feelings of guilt and disappointment.
Before spiraling down in self-shame, in the midst of it, I reminded myself: I am a good dad having a hard time. At the same time, Elliott is a good kid having a hard time.
In retrospect, when analyzing the chain of events, I recognize that the two of us were both struggling with the vulnerability factors: it was about 80 degrees outside, sun beaming down on us. Nobody is at their best when baking in the sun and sweaty and rushing.
Anyways, after about 30 seconds of deep breathing, I brought my attention to my own body and during that brief moment of silence between us, I had flash backs from my own childhood, a flood of memories of my own dad refusing to talk to me after him and I had an altercation: the complete opposite of repairing a conflict. Wanting to chip away at passing down inter generational trauma, I practiced repair:
Elliott, I know you really wanted the bubble gum and it must be so hard to wait for it until after lunch. And we agreed to get it after lunch, not before. And we just missed our bus so daddy was a bit frustrated. We will still get bubble gum after lunch and next time the bus arrive, can you help cooperate with dad and step on to it when we it’s here?
Not the perfect sentences I’ve strung together for repair. That’s okay. I’m getting better.
In the end, she unexpectedly threw her arms around me, held my dad and then the two of us waited at the bus stop for the next bus.
Equipment used: slider for hamstring lunge, chair, wall, yoga block
Total exercise duration: about 20 minutes
Thoughts: Hands down my favorite program so far. Used to hate hamstring stretches. But now that I’m able to target the muscles without experiencing sciatic nerve pain behind my knees — thanks to the adjustments — I love the muscle stretch sensation since for many years (as long as I can remember) I was unable to engage them, let alone feel them.
Summary: I’m curious what’s the difference between the first and third hamstring exercises in terms of what muscles they target since they seem to both generally target the hamstring? Do they target different parts of the hamstring? Second question: what muscles are weak / not engaged that prevent me from pulling my heels in closer to my pelvis during the Tailor Pose? I can grip my ankles with my hands and physically drag my feet in closer to pelvis so seems like I have the range of motion but lack strength in one or more muscles. Finally, during the hamstring lunge, the bottom of my back foot started cramping and although I panicked, I paused and remained in the position (instead of rushing and backing out) and after taking a few deep breathes, the cramp spasms vanished and I was able to carry out the rest of the exercise.
Hamstring
Feels like a more accessible Elephant Walk stretch
More tightness on the right hamstring
The Contract and Release (C/R) felt very strong and big sensation (not uncomfortable)
Tailor Pose
Question: What muscles are weak / not engaged that prevent me from pulling my heels in closer to my pelvis? I can grip my ankles with my hands and physically drag them closer so seems like I have the flexibility but lack the strength
I think I am engaging the “back hip” muscles but that whole general area feels like the glutes (lack of granularity on my side)
Wall
Want to spend more time on this since it feels good on the inner thighs
Hamstring lunge
Right foot cramped when pulling back. Had a moment of panic and instead of rushing out of the position, I paused and took a couple deep breaths and the cramp slowly melted away and I didn’t push the stretch any further
Question: does this hamstring lunge target different parts of the hamstring then the first one (the chair elephant walk like exercise)
This exercise made me produce sweat and definitely increased my temperature
