Author: mattchung

  • A reflection on re-participating in social media

    For about 8 years, I was a ghost on social media. The time period is about 2014-2022.

    No Instagram.

    No Twitter.

    Nothing (OK fine, LinkedIn but that’s really for professional development).

    I deliberately shut myself offline. I had deactivated and deleted both my Instagram and Facebook profile, losing all the connections I had previously made over the years. I had taken this (what I consider) all or nothing stance, prioritizing and valuing privacy without fully considering the implications. I also believed, at the time, as many others do, that the online connections held no value.

    However, in retrospect, like everything else in life, there’s a price to pay. On some level, I lost staying looped into what my friends and family were up to. Similarly, they lost touch with what was going on in my world. Yes, I concede there are other mechanisms for spreading life updates but the reality is that social media can be very effective in this regards.

    To be clear: having an online profile does not automatically imply that you are social.

    Having a profile does not imply you are connected and plugged into your community, into your friend’s lives.

    In my opinion, that social capital is gained through showing up and interacting with others. Consistently. There’s no substitute for cumulative interactions.

    And through consistent interactions with others, you start to develop trust with others, which is hard earned as an outsider, a role that I’m all too familiar with as someone who not only moved around significantly throughout my childhood (e.g. 5 different schools over 6 years) — something I’d like unpack in another post

    Also, “showing up” takes many forms. A warm hug. Sipping a tea with a friend. Throwing your arms around a friend or family member when they are experiencing grief or sadness.

    Quite frankly, the in person experience cannot be replaced. The human touch cannot be emulated.

    However, short of that, there are other opportunities to cultivate friendships.

    Sending voice messages.

    Talking on the phone.

    Sending text messages.

    Again, there’s nuance and multiplicity in building your own social fabric, your own connected world.

    So, back to participating in social media. I have my own intentions and want to (continue) using social media with some intention. Aware that the way in which I use social media may evolve over time, here’s how I practice social media right now:

    • Showcase what’s going on in my life
    • Share local events that I plan on attending
    • Share other friends posts/stories that I find interesting, inspirational, admiring

    The reason I post about my life is the same reason I follow along other’s updates: to either get acquainted with their life and stay plugged in.

    Whether it’s a Instagram story or Instagram post, I get just enough insight into some other person’s life and that can compel me to reach out to them. Generally speaking, people tend to share about things that they value (or disgust them). In this way, when I find people who share similar values, I more inclined to build a real life connection with them.

    Second, ever since I could get my hand on a camcorder, I’ve been recording videos and snapping photos. In fact, I have footage of me learning how to break dance when I was about 9 years old. I have footage of the last moments with me and my uncle before he passed away from a long battle of cancer.

    I love capturing and showcasing what I consider beautiful (this reminds me of “American Beauty”). I equally enjoy giving people a platform to showcase themselves.

    Third, learning how to stay on my own two feet and building a practice of fighting FOPO, as Michael Gervais calls it, fear of other people’s opinion. This deserves an article blog post on its own because I am actively working on reducing my sensitive to both

    1. other people’s acceptance of me and
    2. other people’s rejection of me

    Two sides of the same coin. Though my sensitivity to other’s opinions has driven me in ways that I am grateful for, it’s limited me in more ways than one: going for things I want despite people disapproving it, shooting my shot (with people or opportunities) that I otherwise would not go for out of fear.

    Anyways, just my .02 at 5:30 am on a Saturday morning, typing quietly as possible, breathing like a mouse, as to not wake up Elliott up who is bound to wake up in the next hour.

  • Waking up from a nightmare at 4:00am

    When I was a young boy, from about 5 to 13 years old, I used to dream horrible nightmares that would wake me up in the middle of the night. For those 7-8 childhood years, the nightmares themselves centered around Chucky the Doll (do not recommend), a film that I had accidentally watched (a family debate still exists as to how exactly I ended up watching that but that’s neither here nor there).

    Fast forward to present day.

    I’m 36 years old, still get nightmares.

    However, these days, my nightmares are less fictitious.

    There’s no killer doll.

    There’s no spooky monster.

    There’s no serial killer.

    Instead, my nightmares revolve around more realistic scenarios.

    This nightmare from this morning in particular was a bit more plausible (not possible) scenario. In this nightmare, my (now ex) wife and I were laying in bed next to one another and I told her that I will see her in (marital) court on November 28th (in reality, this is a real date set my the court system in the United Kingdom after countless efforts with trying to resolve a financial settlement but I digress) and her response was:

    “Good luck. I’m pregnant again.”

    Even in my sleep state, the notion of being stuck in that relationship terrified and triggered me enough to the point that I shot up from my laying position, waking up, gasping for air. The idea of being stuck in a relationship from someone that I am actively trying to distance myself from gives me the chills.

    So recognizing it was way too early in the morning, I shut my eyes closed, drew in a few breathes, and gently fell back asleep for another 90 minutes, until 5:30am, my normal wake up time.

    Adult fears.

  • On Psychological Safe Spaces

    The importance of psychologically safe dance spaces.

    Note: Although this blog post centers on psychologically safe spaces for dance studios, I think that that this concept more generally applies to other environments including the corporate world as well.

    This post is more of a stream of consciousness so bare with me here.

    I started my dance journey in February 2023 (a little over a year ago at the time of this writing) and (long story short) discovered “The Beacon”, a dance studio located in Seattle Washington (USA). It’s my second home.

    Really.

    I fell in love not only with the studio, but with the people, the community. If the closest thing I have to attending church. I feel honored and considered some of the instructors and leaders in the space as friends, who ultimately cultivate what I consider a psychological safe space. A place to be witnessed. To be seen. A place to “be yourself” with no judgement.

    A psychologically safe dance space is not something I take for granted anymore. I can confidently say that, since moving to London in April 2024 and visiting half a dozen studios.

    I’m writing about this topic because more times than I can count, someone has told me that I was “brave” for jumping into the cypher, despite there being arguably more experienced and more skilled dancers surrounding the circle. While I do feel flattered, and feel proud for the progress I’ve made, I feel comfortable jumping because of my experiences The Beacon (mentioned above).

    In that studio, a “safe” space is cultivated. It is intentional. It does not happen by chance. In fact, here’s a little interview I conducted with Seattle Legend Tracey Wong (below) and how she deliberately creates the environment:

  • Daily Review – Thursday – September 19, 2024

    Like many others walking this earth, I am currently in a state of transition. The divorce (which started last November) is almost coming to an end (won’t be diving into it here since the topic itself deserves its own post) and I’m finding myself constantly asking the following two questions:

    1. What do you want to do?
    2. What do you NOT want to do?

    As Kit Laughlin shared in his podcast interview, the latter question is just as effective. By practicing asking yourself daily, I believe that I’m inching myself towards (for lack of a better word) actualization.

    At the moment, here’s what I don’t want to do:

    • Go back and work full time in technology – whether the role is a leadership role (VP of Engineering) or senior software engineer, I’d like to (if possible) work part-time, anywhere between 15-20 hours per week. With the remainder of time, I’d like to work on my own projects

    Yesterday

    • Elliott after school pick up
      • “Dad, this is a great place to do a pistol squat” – this brought me so much joy because sometimes, when I’m out and about with her, I’ll practice a pistol squat and cannot believe that this stuck with her
      • She asked me to tell her (almost every day) more spooky stories
      • Proud of her when she used the word “bittersweet” – When I touched her hands, I noticed her skin was softer (she had what we thought was a genetic skin condition) and she told me that the medicine she’s taking makes her feel bittersweet and I was so proud of her usage of language (as a almost 5 year old) and asked her where she heard that word and she said, “You taught me Daddy”. I felt proud for both myself and her.
      • I fell asleep while watching Netflix with her – While watching Netflix Super Kitties TV show that I projected onto the ceiling, I fell asleep while laying next to her and woke up about 45 minutes later, just in time for her mom to pick her up
      • Continuing practiced teaching Elliott how to ride her (her words: adult) bicycle with two wheels. I’m treading the line between encouragement and pressuring since I do not want her feel like she “has to” learn how to ride a bicycle since I consider the activity right now a source of joy
    • Dance practice
      • Drilled the last 8 count steps from Ani’s class – heel toe, pivot heel toe, toe tap
      • Practiced Pas De Bourrée variations that I came up with, looping the certain parts of the movement, achieving a sort of flow state. I’m starting to feel more comfortable with leaning into my own creativity

    Today

    • Mavinga responded to my inquiry regarding 1:1 private dance lessons and she stepped through my Google Document that outlines my dance goals
      • She said (in a kind way I feel) that she’ll train me military style, the same way she trains with her Belgian friends. I’m all in and excited at the opportunity. We are working out logistics right now
      • When she vocalized (in her own words) my goals, she said so you want to dance at a professional level. At first I felt a bit embarrassed, took a deep breathe in and, actually, yes, I do want to dance at a highest level: for me I’m not forcing or pushing myself. I am building a relationship with dance and curious as to if I can actualize the visions I have of me dancing
    • Stretched for about 30 minutes
      • Worked my lats
      • Yamuna ball for my chest and shoulders

    Plans

    • Take a scheduled call with a tax attorney
    • Take a scheduled call with some executives from White Space, a company that I’m considering consulting for on a part time basis as a VP of engineering
    • Delete AWS Resources for my Crossbill account since I’ve seen bills come in at hundreds of dollars, resources that I’m not using. So just tearing down various resources that have been neglected
    • Attend Dance Class with Jevan at Base Dance studios at 5:30pm
    • Pick up groceries in Wimbledon (from M&S) since I have Elliott this weekend and she loves (just like me) bolongese with pasta

  • A simple solution to “Damn, I forgot to buy XYZ at the grocery store”

    A simple solution to “Damn, I forgot to buy XYZ at the grocery store”

    Ever find yourself frustrated that you forgot to pick up something from the grocery store? I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve experienced frustration when I returned home, after forgetting to pick up some item (e.g. ketchup), despite writing down the item on a sheet of paper that I ultimately forget is neatly tucked away in a jean pocket.

    But lately, I’ve been experimenting with a solution I came up with that seems to be working pretty consistently without fail over the last month.

    It’s simple: I write down the item on a sticky note and then attach the sticky note to my credit card that lives in my wallet.

    Before elaborating on this particularly unique solution, here are some other attempts:

    • Location based reminder with Siri – “Hey Siri, remind me when I get to Sainsbury grocery store to buy ketchup”. While the notification works well (that is, a notification will pop up on my phone when I am in close proximity to the grocery store), sometimes my phone sits tucked away in my backpack and I end up not even hearing or feeling (i.e. vibrate) the notification. Or sometimes my phone suppresses notifications due to be set on sleep mode.
    • Writing down items on a sheet of paper and putting the piece of paper in my pocket – As mentioned above, I (with good intention) write down items on a sheet of paper and then stuff the paper in my pocket and though this sometimes work, I often forget about the paper all together.

    In a nutshell, with all the solutions presented above, the problem really boils down to forgetting about the solution itself.

    Instead of relying on good intentions, like my memory, having some sort of trigger to prompt me. So me paying for my credit card (at the moment) always happen so I piggy packed on that.

    Ultimately, this solution of mine is a fail safe. Because although I do write down a longer list of items on a single sheet of paper, the item(s) on the post-it fail to make their way to the single sheet of paper, for many reasons.

    Again, this solution works … for me given my assumptions (e.g. paying with physical credit card) and circumstances. Even so, as a practice of improving my organization skills, I evaluated my solution using the POET compass in terms of how well my solution presents, how well it stays off my mind, how accessible the solution is, and how much I trust it. More on this below.

    Evaluating the solution using the POET compass

    As mentioned in more recent blog posts, I am currently enrolled in an online course called “Waves of Focus” (see this blog post for more details). And one tool I been incorporating into my daily life is the POET compass, a way to evaluate your “organization” solution.

    Does it present well?

    Yes, the solution in itself uses a label and works well as a visual trigger. As soon as I whip out my wallet and see a sticky note attached, I’m reminded that there’s at least one item I’d like to buy while at the grocery story.

    Is it out of mind?

    Invisible? Yes! The label itself is slapped onto my credit card, which is tucked away and out of sight and out of mind, sitting in my back pocket.

    Is the solution easy to use/easy to get to?

    Is it Instant? Yes, in the context of grocery shopping, I pay with my card (not apple pay or any other mechanism). So retrieving the sticky is as easy as retrieving my card from the wallet.

    Trusted?

    Off of mind. I would say for this particular scenario (of going to the grocery store and trying to remember to purchase something) that being trusted is probably the most important criteria (within the POET compass). After jotting down the items and attaching the sticky note to my card, I simply can forget.

    Summary

    I’ve been using this solution for a little over 4 weeks and appears to be working well. This solution (like many others) was born out of frustration. And while I still practice self-compassion and take it on myself, frustration is a normal and common feeling that I’m learning to listen to more, allowing myself to detach and and step back and brain storm (unique or not) solutions for my problems.

  • Daily Review Sept 12, 2024

    As mentioned in previous posts, I used to write up daily reviews for myself and stopped posting on my blog all together after I tried to convert this website into a “professional” website with the intention of building a pipeline of “followers.” To be clear: nothing is wrong with professional websites that are designed to drum up business. However, what I didn’t recognize at that time was that (and only starting to realize now) is that — counter what other people have perceived — I’m motivated by social acceptance. In other words, I’m highly driven to reduce rejection, criticism.

    Okay, with that now out of the way.

    I’m taking a moment to pause, to breath, to draw in a few deep breathes and reflecting because I’m noticing that the last couple weeks, months really, it feels as though my brain is more scattered, firing off on a hundred cylinders. To elaborate, my levels of “productivity” are at a all time low. When I say productivity, I’m strictly referring to my consulting business, referring to direct income (“cash”) generating activities. Because outside of that, I’m finding myself filling the day with:

    • Waves of Focus (asynchronous, self-paced) online course
    • Reading several books: “The first rule of mastery: stop worrying about what people think of you”, “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy
    • Exploring myself with daily stretching, bi-weekly dance classes
    • Doubling down on learning more about rhetorical structure theory (RST) – I’ve always wanted to increase my ability to see connections between spans of text AND I’m betting that with additional skills of detecting coherence relations, I can improve as a writer.

    But … Maybe I’m burned out.

    Maybe I’m overwhelmed with the transition from a married man to a single father.

    Maybe I’m still grieving over the lost of my relationships, friends and family, back in the states.

    Likely, a combination of all three (and others as well).

    At the same time, I’m rooted in gratefulness. Just this morning, I was listening to Eminem’s “Mocking Bird”, a song that I used to listen on repeat when it was first released (20 years ago). The song somehow surfaced to Spotify playlist. Regardless, as I was listening to the song while walking the dogs back home from their morning walk, I found myself stopping in the middle of the side walk, tears forming in the corner of my eyes, a few lines in the song really hitting home:

    Now I’m sitting in this empty house just reminiscing
    Looking at your baby pictures, it just trips me out

    But things have got so bad between us, I don’t see us ever being
    Together ever again, like we used to be when we was teenagers
    But then, of course, everything always happens for a reason
    I guess it was never meant to be
    But it’s just something we have no control over, and that’s what destiny is

  • House Dance Private with Ani

    I took a private house dance lesson with Ani and below is a 30 second clip condensed version of our 1 hour private. I had originally reached out to her and asked for a private lesson after struggling in her House Beginner/Intermediate class. In particular, I fumbled with the pas de bourree torso isolation as well as some other grooves that she helped break down. The lesson itself took place at Central Saint Martins (CSM) in London. This was my first lesson that took place outdoors, in public. At first, I felt a bit shy and nervous, since tourists and people in general would walk past by us. But after the first couple minutes, the anxiety wore off and the rest of the private lesson was amazing.

  • House Dance Reflection and Review: Jevan (August 15, 2024)

    House Dance Reflection and Review: Jevan (August 15, 2024)

    Took the class yesterday night and while still fresh in my mind, brain dumping.

    Best part of the class for me was witnessing my freestyle classmate light up with joy midway through her freestyle round when she went for a move, caught a groove, and her face beamed up.

    Note: As usual, I’m recalling the choreography from memory and there are details missing including the counts, how the moves relates to the music (big component), and so forth.

    Right kick and slide back
    Left kick and slide back
    Right kick and drag to the right
    Left kick and drag to the left
    Cross step variation to the left
    Cross step variation to the right
    Cross step (no variation) to the left
    Cross step (no variation) to the right

    Right kick and slide back
    Left kick and slide back
    Right kick and drag to the right
    Left kick and drag to the left
    Cross step variation to the left
    Cross step variation to the right
    Cross step (no variation) to the left
    Cross step (no variation) to the right
    Misdirection to the right
    Misdirection to the left
    Misdirection to the right
    Jump and step to the right
    Step on to left foot and rebound
    Roger Rabbit like transition to the left and rebound

    Areas of growth

    Below are areas in which I felt challenged and would like to drill a bit more

    • A little bit of dinosaur arms during the kick and slide – felt tense in the anterior part of shoulder and forearm(s) when sliding back and sliding side to side
    • Foot steps for the misdirection – was unable to land the prescribed landing
    • Rebound – was unsure if it was just the shoulders turning or the entire torso
    • Cross step variation – cross step variation differs in two ways. normal cross step (when going to the left) is left leg step to the side, right leg step back, left leg cross over in front to the right. For the variation (to the left) left leg step to side, right leg step forward (NOT back), left leg step BEHIND

    Takeaways and observations

    • Jevan’s back leg bent and knee tucked behind one another during cross step
    • Increase awareness of torso positioning difference between cross step vs cross step variation (i.e. stepping forward) – Jevan had pointed out that center of weight is slightly leaned back during the variation, whereas center of weight slightly more forward during non-variation
  • Ask yourself questions when coming up with a (digital, physical, mental) organization solution

    Generally speaking, I struggle with keeping things organized: files on my computer (digital), items in my house (e.g. physical), and my thoughts (i.e. mental). To help combat my organization challenges, I signed up for an online course (i.e. Waves of Focus). In that course, I learned about a tool called the poet compass , which helps individuals evaluate the quality of their organization solutions through a set of criteria.

    Since learning the technique about a week ago, I’ve been practicing using the tool especially since I’m aware that when it comes to organizing, I tend to prematurely jump to “problem solving”, often quickly creating solutions that are born out of in the moment frustration. In other words, these solutions are often driven out of impulse. Because of this, rarely do my organization solutions seldom stick around. Now, before I come up with organization solutions, I leverage POET (i.e. Presents Well, Out of the Way, Easy to get to, Trusted) compass along with the corresponding questions (below) associated with each individual criteria.

    Questions

    Start with the central question of “does it even matter”

    Before evaluating your organization solution against each dimension (e.g. presents well, trusted), it’s worth considering taking a step back and asking a more central question: “does it even matter”?

    In other words, is the item that you are considering organizing worthy of organization Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes no. Whenever unworthy, consider simply discarding the item.

    Questions for P – Presents Well (on time and clear)

    It’s not usually worthwhile to try and organize EVERYTHING. More practically, we choose what to (and what not to) organize. For any given object that’s you trying to organize, its often surrounded by other items. The problem with this is how do you separate the signal (i.e. the item you want to organize) from the noise (i.e. the other surrounding items). With “Presents well” criteria, you can increase the signal to noise ratio by asking the following questions:

    • Can I use an alert/reminder?
    • Can I use a label?
    • Will it appear clearly?
    • Do I like the way it looks/sounds?
    • Can I weave it into an existing rhythm? (Paths/Lists)
    • Would grouping or sorting improve things?

    Questions for O – Out of the way (invisible)

    Like many other people with ADHD, in order to prevent forgetting about items that I’d like to rediscover in the future, I’ll deliberately place them in plain sight. Unfortunately, overtime, the more I apply this strategy, the more clutter I create.

    • Can this go in a container/box?
    • Can this go in a cabinet?
    • Can this go in a folder?
    • Can this go in a behind/under something else?

    Now, you might be sharing some similar worry thoughts as me. Often, when items are tucked away — invisible — future me struggles with refinding the item. That happens. So before you simply place an item in a container or box or cabinet or folder, consider counter-balancing “Out of the way” with “Presents Well”, maybe by including a label.

    Questions for E – Easy to use/get to (instant)

    Your body’s resistance to an activity isn’t an obstacle to be overcome … The right solution isn’t to start punching the wall harder, it’s to look around for a tool to help you do the job.

    – The late Aaron Swartz

    Over the years and even now, I’m continuing to increase awareness around the thoughts that swirl around in my head. And anytime the thought of “JUST TRY HARDER” pops up, I try and hit pause, take a deep breath … because this thought serves as a clue. Though that mantra can sometimes translate to “try again” (i.e. perseverance), it’s not always the case and often, JUST TRY HARDER equates to applying brute force. Nowadays, I’m more keen on changing the surrounding conditions so both reduce frustration and increase ease.

    • Can I bring this closer to its place of use?
    • Can I link to this from a place I’d use?
    • How can I practice this?
    • How can I lean into mastery?

    Of the above questions, I find “Can I link to this from a place I’d use” one that I’ve been asking myself consistently throughout the day. By consciously creating links, I am reducing the probability of (as mentioned in the previous section above) losing lingering items and I am increasing the probability of rediscovering them. To elaborate, here’s an example. I recently created an excel sheet to track topics I want to write about: basically content creation tracking. Now, I’ve tried this approach of tracking items in a central location and almost always that central trackers end up decaying, becoming a stale artifact that I fail to maintain. My central writing trackers end up getting abandoned because

    1. I would either forget that I created them in the first place or
    2. I’d feel resigned when being unable to rediscover the original file.

    But through the concept of linking, I create more than one way to lead me back to the file.

    And, as for the question “How can I lean into mastery, it’s helpful to define the steps of practicing mastery:

    1. Pause with frustration – identify the stumble or opportunity for improvement
    2. Tune to level of ease – shrink down the scope
    3. Return to challenge of ease

    In short, practicing mastery (in this context) boils down to: how can I make my solution more accessible.

    We can lean into it. Sometimes its hard to recognize that things are not going well and it is tempting to just continue doing what I am doing

    – Waves of Focus’s Koroush

    Questions for T – Trusted (off the mind)

    Finally, to increase the level of trust in our organization solutions, we can ask ourselves the following questions:

    • What rhythm/habit could this connect to?
    • What space/”home” can I create for this?
    • How can I practice this?
    • How can I take a Step of Mastery?

    Put plainly, the level of trust increases through developing habits and repetition.

    Summary

    If you struggle with “organization” or “productivity” due to a wandering mind (e.g. ADHD), I highly recommend you check out The Waves of Focus online course. And of course, feel free to message me if you have any questions.