On the days I don’t see Elliott (my beautiful 5 year old daughter), I often find myself (re)watching recap videos of us on my iPhone, short little clips that I stitch together to capture a moment in time, a snapshot aimed to honor our relationship (as well as share with some friends and family).
Right now, I’m sitting at a café located near her school; I’m working remotely and just sent off a proposal for a 3 month engagement, now getting ready to grab a bite to eat before walking over to school to pick her up. And while watching the video below, I sensed a wave of calm and love and joy, these emotions washing over me.
In this video clip, she’s sitting on my lap as I feed her pasta that I had picked up from M&S, the two of us singing along to Dua Lipa’s “Levitating” performance that’s taking place on Tiny Desk.
I was gifted a Canon DSLR when I was about 16. I remember being so eager to take “beautiful photos”. I remember purchasing a couple DVDs, my hope then was that after an hour or two I could begin taking photos that were similar to the ones that I admired. But quickly I found out that after setting the mode to manual, the photos were overexposed, blurry — not at all what I had envisioned. Shortly after, I gave up and more or less never really picked the camera back up, my frustration getting the best of me.
Fast forward to today, 20 years plus later, I’m resetting my expectations and my relationship with the craft of photography and mindset has changed. I actually don’t think I’ll capture “good” photos for many years to come. I’m a beginner and there’s going to be a phase of years where I have good taste, but lack the technique:
I recognize there’s so much to learn. As of now, I’m hearing the following phrases pop up a lot. I’m watching YouTube videos (had signed up for a course that unfortunately was cancelled the day before it started):
Composition
Aperture
F-Stop
Exposure
ISO
White balance
This is at the very tip of the iceberg. I’m certain there is a voluminous amount of knowledge for me to acquire.
Also, at 36, I’m recognizing that so much of how I want to spend my days is more or less interests I’ve had since I was a young boy. For example, dance. I love dancing when I was about 10 or 11 and 25 years later, here I am, honing the craft, taking two dance classes a week, practicing on evenings when I’m alone and don’t have my daughter to look after.
Anyways, I digress.
Ultimately, through photography and other mediums (including video) I want to continue story telling.
Elliott is and continues to blossom into a beautiful little girl. Today, the two of us spent the afternoon playing with slime, drawing characters from the movie “Inside Out 2”, then I wrapped up the evening with reading her two children’s books that I had purchased for her, books that happen to revolve around a little girl who is growing up with two homes (i.e. her current situation).
As shared in the (below) video’s text, today I was unexpectedly hit with a wave of grief while music was playing in the background, the song “The Lumineers – Stubborn Love.”
Elliott and I were sitting at the kitchen table, the two of us drawing (an activity we do often), when this song was automatically played by Spotify, a song that my ex-wife and I used to listen to. And memories of our family unit lit up in my head. The power of music. A song can instantly teleport me to specific moments that I’ve buried in the back of my head.
Though I momentarily felt sadness, I at the same time reminded myself that I am actually happier now that I’m divorced, living a more authentic life. In addition, I was crying not only for myself, but grieving for Elliott as well. I vowed years ago — long before Elliott was born — that I would put in the work, to guarantee, to ensure, that she would never experience her parents divorcing. And yet, here I am. Here we are. The universe: it was written.
This whole divorce process has been emotionally challenging for her: how could it not? Divorce impacts the parents, the children, the extended families. There’s a ripple effect.
Although part of it me has thoughts of shielding her from negative emotions, I believe that part of my job as her dad is to show her fragments of the truth, fragments of the reality of life, overtime, and hold space and care and attention for her to process — to feel — the emotions. Overtime, I believe, she becomes more and more resilient.
Sharing some (what I consider) age appropriate truths is essential for Elliott however this is one (of many) areas where her mother and I disagree. For instance, when the cat died this past year, Jess had texted me, telling me to “not tell Elliott.” I had replied via email, telling Jess I felt that we are doing a disservice to Elliott, not allowing her to grieve and instead, making up a story that the cat is lost, giving her a false sense of hope. This is one of the many instances that remind me that Jess and I hold different philosophical parenting beliefs.
Throughout my life, I’ve been described by others as a “go-getter”, someone who “gets things done”. While I appreciate both the positive feedback and while I am grateful in my ability to get shit done, one other area I’d like to devote more time and attention to is the act of reviewing — reflecting. Sometimes I feel like life is rapidly passing by, and I have thoughts that I’m in a perpetual state of doing, constantly on the move (according to my birth chart, difficulties of sitting still can be attributed to my Gemini sprinkled everywhere).
But to repeat: I am appreciative of my capabilities that have gifted to me. Yet, sometimes I wonder if some of the challenges in life (e.g. disorganization) that I face in life can be better understood (and subsequently solved) simply by taking a step back, changing my perspective, and asking myself questions, turning inwards, instead of turning outwards.
Lately, the motivation to spend more time reflecting can be partially attributed to me watching a (recorded) video (available only to Waves of Focus members) with David Sparks, a “productivity” expert. In that video, he talks about the importance of reflecting in terms of building a sustainable productivity system
“I’m getting emails from people saying ‘I just can’t figure out why it’s not working’ … The difference — 99% of the time — is people who DO reviews versus people who DON’T make time for them.”
Dance Private Thoughts and Reflections
Because I live about 60-90 minutes away from the dance studio where the lesson was scheduled to take place, I had asked Mavinga if we could arrange for a 90 minute lesson instead of the typical 60 minutes, making the commute more worth it (to me). In retrospect, proactively scheduling a longer lesson was the right call especially so since the warm up (described below) ran for about 30-40 minutes. Had we not preemptively increased the 1:1 time, we would’ve only been left with less than 20 minutes on the actual dance portion.
“Warm up” and training to point of exhaustion
Brutal because high intensity training is not something I’ve been focusing on recently
Historically, cardio and high intensity was my forte, my strength. However, apart from dance classes and at home technique practice, my attention (in terms of physical training) has been devoted to stretching and flexibility
In retrospect, the high intensity training has value for several reasons, among which is that I’d like to be able to sustain and train longer when practicing on my own. Often, limitation is on physical endurance and as such, cuts my practices short
Biggest Takeaway
Someone there to motivate and push made a difference – during the “warm up” (love how she calls it this, because it really is more of like a high intensity interval training workout), there was more than one moment where I was gasping for air and ready to throw in the towel but she shouted “aller aller aller” (go go go) and that helped concentrate my mind
The HIIT workout (above) was no doubt physical training, but also mental – in addition to her words of encouragement, she would say “come on, it’s in the mind. Let’s go let’s go”
Hip hop vs House bounce – she was able to both demonstrate and point out the differences in the look and feel of a hip hop vs house bounce. Because I have practically zero experience with hip hop dance, I found this new groove challenging
Compass exercise – we performed the bounce in multiple directions, performing the bounce in a variety ways; center of gravity still, center of gravity forward.
In person vs remote training differs
The energy in the room can be felt
More motivating – difference between someone in the room saying “let’s go let’s go”
Ability to see small details – goes both ways, while witnessing her in person and her ability to see what I was doing
“Be more precise” and small passing comments can have the most impact and lasting impact – during the compass exercise (above), after one of my rounds, she said “Be more precise” with the direction I was facing. She wants to be able to see the difference and the INTENTION.
After the training
When I got home, I continued practicing the bounce in front of the mirror
I experimented with where I distributed weight
The step bounce feels (and looks) different when transferring weight to ball of foot vs distributing to entire foot
I feel the burn more in my thighs (a good thing I think) when transferring weight to the ball of foot, versus being flat foot
I can leverage my athleticism when deliberately transferring on ball of foot
That is, I can move with more speed
In retrospect, may have over-indexed with dancing with more “weight” this past year and recognize there are moments (like the bounce) where I might want to transfer weight to ball of foot
Bend BOTH legs during the step bounce, especially the back leg
Previously was only bending the front leg but when I closely watched Samantha Mavinga, I noticed that the heel of back foot lifted ever so slightly, indicating to me that she was engaging the back leg, though she did not explicitly or verbally state this
I am returning to the practice of writing up reviews and reflections. Sometimes daily. Sometimes weekly. The review itself is not the goal. In fact, the act of reflecting (for me) provides the most value. It’s a practice.
Overview
Noticed dissatisfaction with my own “bounce” and thus modified technique and redistribute weight
Adjusted upper body groove for the “drunk walk”
Incorporated a knee bend in base leg during the heel toe movement
Bounce technique modification
Seems like such a simple move: the bounce. However, because I tend to watch videos of dancers — ranging from beginners to experts — I’m starting to notice the aesthetic differences between bounces. Though I cannot recall what specific video prompted this thought, I started noticing a subtle (perhaps obvious to others) difference; that being said, I believe this was prompted by watching back Monday’s video of me doing the (older version) of my bounce; I dislike the look of bounces in which the during the downwards direction of the bounce, the knee extends beyond the toes. In doing so, the shin creates an angle that (to my eye) is not beautiful.
Also, though I’ve been told to “lean forward” during this movement, I actually think that’s not entirely accurate. Though leaning forward is a byproduct, it’s not the goal. For me, to achieve the look, it’s more of ensuring that you are going through the motions of a “squat”. It’s more of driving your hips and butt back and down, respectively.
Comparing old and new bounce, side by side
Drunk walk groove adjustment
This move is one that I haven’t been able to get quite yet. And though I’ve tried with Karina / Kerry house dance, I was able to very quickly pick up the move simply by watching him in person. Which makes me wonder: what are some other trade offs that are being made by taking online 1:1 privates? At the same time, I recognize that sometimes it takes multiple repetitions, multiple exposures, before the move suddenly clicks in place.
In any case, my observation is as follows: lean upper body torso in the opposite direction of the leg stepping out in front. That is, if right leg stepped out in front, then lean torso to the left. Similarly, if the leg leg stepped out in front, then lean torso to the right.
What classes did I take?
Monday – Kashmir’s 4 hour hip hop and house training in East London
Tuesday – Ani’s choreography house class at the Pineapple
Thursday – Jevan’s house dance class at Base Dance Studios
Tuesday Class Reflection
On Tuesday, I had the thought to NOT go to class but I am glad I did. I almost never regret attending a dance class
Thursday Class Reflection
I keep saying this over but that class was one of my favorite classes, for multiple reasons.
After my class partner provided me her feedback, I felt an instant emotional shift in my body, suddenly able to TRUST my body, simply by redirecting my focus from nailing the moves to stretching out each move.
Observed during the heel toe step, Jevan (the instructor) would maintain a slight bend in the knee of the base leg (i.e. leg not extending). When I witnessed during the warm up routine, I tried to make that adjustment in my own movement and was pleasantly surprised. First, the pain my left hip reduced. Second, the move appeared more aesthetically pleasing; I tend to not throw heel toe in my freestyle rounds because I’m not satisfied with how it feels or looks but yesterday a tiny victory. Now, it’ll take repetition and training for my body to acclimate to the changes I am introducing. Fascinating that while watching someone’s movement and detecting subtle differences in biomechanics.
I started fumbling during the second half of class when we were being witnessed by our freestyle partner, each of us taking turns to “perform” the combo in front of one another
Jevan invited each freestyle partner to provide one piece of positive feedback and one criticism for growth. Jevan believes that feedback is not utilized enough in classroom settings. Overall, I agree.
My partner stated that I had the moves down and they look good however I could stretch out the movement and listen to the music. More or less, the same advice I continue to hear but her being able to see it and succinctly put it into (what felt like compassion) words despite only just meeting me and seeing me dance for the first time, had a profound effect on me for the remainder of class and I think for the rest of my dance career. Oh also, she mentioned that she liked how even when I forgot the combo, I didn’t freeze (I’ve done this many many many times before when I first moved to London) and instead continued to move my body and picked it back up. Ironically, she had also forgotten the routine during her third round and then she (my perception) confidently executed filler moves. Whether she panicked internally or not, I’ll never know but she portrayed confidence during her stumble
The combo itself was beautiful, combination of the skate, heel toe, pas de bourree, farmer run
I took it SO easy on myself (compared to the past) when I was unable to pick up the final movement that Jevan had showed us. I didn’t stress about it; didn’t have thoughts that “I should know how to do this”. I recognized in the moment that trying to nail that last move would’ve put me in a state of overwhelm.
Noticed I was holding tension in my ankle while performing the farmer run. When I relaxed the ankle and relaxed the foot, the move looked more aesthetically pleasing
