I signed up for a parenting workshop hosted by my daughter’s (Steiner based) school, a workshop on setting and applying boundaries. Though I have an aversion to authority in general — I value and have a high need for independence — I showed up in the space with an open mind and open heart and learned that there’s a subtle difference between authoritarian and (“positive”) / authoritarian parenting. According to the workshop, we want to move away from the former (authoritarian) and towards the latter (“positive” / authoritarian).
Here’s what I learned
- A four quadrant analysis with firm and nurturing
- Permissive Parenting (high nurture, low firm)
- Neglectful/Uninvolved (low nurture, low firm)
- Authoritarian Parenting (high firm, high nurture)
- Positive/Authoritative Parenting (high nurture, high firm)
- Learned that I have a tendency to sometimes fall into the Permissive quadrant, my default state
What I enjoyed
- Breakout groups – listening to some other parents friends and being self aware of their own shortcomings (we all have them)
Some criticisms
- Elements of the workshop felt a bit dogmatic
- Several assumptions and implicit values and beliefs
- Viewed through a “western” lens and failed to consider cultural context
- Instances of binary thinking – lacks nuance. Giving kids options “You get to choose X or choose Y” to me lacks imagination
- I had asked the moderator what their definition of “a boundary” was and she continued to defer to the “books” – I asked this question not to be contentious but I had observed that some of the examples in the pamphlet were not necessarily boundaries (according to my definition of a boundary, the definition I learned from Dr. Becky Kennedy) and were merely requests. For instance, “Call me at 12:00 or setup a time with your dad to pick you up.” Where in here is the boundary? If a child neither calls at midnight nor communicates with their father, what is the consequence of their (in)action?
Finally, though it was uncomfortable being in the same space as my ex (I had invited her to the workshop in spirit of centering our daughter Elliott), ultimately think both her and I could learn more for Elliott. And overall, though I picked up a few good tools that I’ll practice (lots of overlap with DBT, especially resemblance with “cope ahead” tools), overall I felt the workshop was a bit dogmatic.