Tag: 90 days of blogging

It’s been a while since I experienced overt racism but today, while working remotely in the Morden Costa coffee shop, a man sitting a few tables away from me, shouted “Hey, CHINA man”, trying to get my attention. After I ignored him, he followed with shouting out a few expletives, then proceeded to step outside the front door, temporarily leaving his belongings behind.

I felt in my body my subjective unit of distress (SUD) increase.

I recognized I was distressed but could not immediately pinpoint my primary emotion. So I immediately applied the STOP distress tolerance skill: the goal is not to improve the situation, but not make it worst. And the reason I decided to just momentarily pause was because I had the thought to dart over to him and confront him, the urge to dangle my index finger in his face, wanting some sort of physical altercation.

Now, in this moment, I recognize the primary emotion: anger.

I felt injustice. Is it valid? Yes. Is the anger justified? Yes. And at the same time, acting on the anger would NOT be effective. That it, it would not be aligned with my long term values.

After allowing a few minutes to pass, it’s now obvious that this man is either drunk (or on some other substance) and/or dealing with mental health issues. I’m in this moment, typing this, practicing compassion, trying to look beyond his visible behavior and give him the benefit. Of course, I would physically protect myself should he approach me and I felt like I couldn’t avoid, but I don’t feel that that’s the case.

Experiencing Joy and Pride

• I experienced an intense level of joy (6 out of 5) today when Elliott blew her first bubble gum, which was caught on camera
• I was so proud of her and felt even more proud of her response to my joyful reaction: “I feel proud of myself”
• About 4 weeks ago, June 22, her and I picked (for the first time) up bubble gum at the local convenience store and started the chewing gum journey
• After semi-regular practice (about once a week) she not only landed blowing bubble, but enjoyed the experienced so much that continued to chew gum for about 1-2 hours after

Parenting philosophy

• I recognize that I value independence and probably much more relaxed than the average parent when it comes to “rules”
• As her father, I’m not seeking “compliance”. Often, Elliott asks the question “why” a lot. It’s not just a single “why”; sometimes its a recursive why of about 5-6 (sometimes more).
• During these moments, I practice mindfulness and patience (for the long term), really putting my best foot forward to answer honestly. I love the fact that she probes and questions and applies critical thinking, even at the cost of (short term) effort and sometimes frustration that I experience

Teaching emotions

• We sat in bed today, watching trailers of “Inside Out” and “Inside Out 2”. She asked “who’s that” and I would explain that’s envy, a useful emotion. All emotions serve a purpose.
• Emotions is not only something I am devoting time and energy as a 36 year old learning, but a topic that was never discussed with me growing up
• I recognize in this life time, I can only pass so much down in one generation and if I had to prioritize, learning about our inner emotions is one of my main priorities

Spiritual Growth of Elliott

• Relatedly, I’m interested in nurturing her spiritual growth (cannot even define this yet and still learning about this topic)
• I try to remain very curious of her own values and try to remain aware of my own blind spots and times when I imposing my own values. For instance, to name a few, I value physical activity, independence, curiosity. Will Elliott value those things? Maybe. Maybe not.
• In fact, I already recognize (perhaps through osmosis from her mom) that Elliott pays attention to aesthetically beautiful things (I do not necessarily have a high value for beauty like things in nature)