Almost exactly a year ago, I moved to London as a 36-year old single dad in the midst of a rather contentious and divorce (they all are) mired with unanticipated betrayal that left me questioning myself and questioning how I failed to see the signs that were actually always there (hindsight is 20/20 they say).

But I digress.

Last year, not having forged any (what I consider) meaningful relationships or friendships in London, I had celebrated my birthday more or less alone (to be fair, I took a private 1:1 dance lesson with Ani that day and she surprised me with a little cupcake: very kind of her). But yesterday, a year later, I hosted 20+ friends (and some acquaintances that may transition into friendships) over at my flat. Hosting my own birthday party, from an outside perspective, might not hold much significant but to me, marks the beginning of another huge transition in my life.

Yesterday’s gathering came to fruition as a result of:

1. dialectic behavior therapy helping me become aware and confront some difficult negative emotions and how to construct a life worth living
2. Oliver Burkeman’s chapter from Meditation for Mortals sharing his perspective on hosting people and employing “scruffy hospitality”

The day leading up to my actual birthday and on the day of my birthday, I had the thought of frantically cleaning up the house so it appeared (or rather, gave the illusion) that I was completely orderly. This urge to line things up in perfect order has historically overpowered me. Unaware of this perfectionist tendency most of my life and only in the last year recognizing how deep that shame avoidant behavior runs. These days, I’m more accepting, more kind to myself and if/when people judge me, I repeat to myself: it’s okay, let’s them.

My birthday unfolded beautifully and yesterday I moved through the day in what Oliver Burkeman calls an “unclenched way”. I recognized how the moments were fleeting and understood it as “not a threat to what’s unfolding, but as the source of its value.”

“You won’t feel like you know what you’re doing. But nobody ever does; that’s just how it is for finite humans, attempting new things. The main difference between those who accomplish great things anyway and those who don’t is that the former don’t mind not knowing.”

On scruffy hospitality

“Scruffy hospitality means you’re not waiting for everything in your house to be in order before you host and serve friends in your home. Scruffy hospitality means you hunger more for good conversation and serving a simple meal of what you have, not what you don’t have. Scruffy hospitality means you’re more interested in quality conversation than in impression your home or lawn makes.” (pg. 133, Meditation for Mortals).

“… wasn’t there something odd about putting so much effort into hiding the daily reality of their lives from the people they called their friends, or with whom they wanted to become friends?” (pg. 133, Meditation for Mortals)

“To put on an impressive show for visitors is to erect a facade … the idea that such a facade is mandatory, if visitors are to be admitted to your life, must arise from the assumption that there’s something incomplete or inadequate about your life the rest of the time. Since your visitors’s home is presumably likewise usually a mess, it might even imply there’s something wrong with their lives, too. No wonder calling off the whole performance forges a deeper bond.” (pg. 134, Meditation for Mortals)

Some Kodak moments in my head:

• Almost anytime Ani caught a cute moment of Elliott, she turn her head back towards her boyfriend Yuki. It’s beautiful to witness and to me, seems like someone is ready to bear children
• Number of friends playing and engaging with Elliott – The way they engaged with her so authentically filled my heart up. Some folks are into kids. Some are not. There’s no right no wrong here.
• “Of course it’s overwhelming when lots of people are over and whenever you need to take time to retreat back to your room for some alone time, that’s normal and okay and also would love to have you out there with all of us” – At the beginning of the party, Elliott retreated back to her own room and I am all too familiar with the feeling of overwhelm growing up. Without bad intentions, it would be far too easy as a parent to invalidate and dismiss her feelings. From my perspective, there’s no need to force her to “be social” out of being “respectful”. At the same time, I wanted to encourage to take part and participate and apply “act opposite”. In the end, throughout the day, she hung out in the backyard with all of us the majority of the party, participated in the activities (e.g. limbo, jump roping) and would periodically retreat back to her room for minutes at a time when she felt she needed space.
• Elliott “People should take off their shoes so it doesn’t get muddy in the house.” At first, I had the thought of permitting people to wear their shoes since that’s implicit in Western house holds. But I myself do not wear shoes in the house and Elliott and I practice putting our shoes on the rack so I informed folks to leave their shoes by the front door, no problem here.
• Witnessing Yuki transition from sitting on his bottom to a squat position by tilting his pelvic and without using his hands – only other person at the party who could do it in this manner was Thi-Anh and Elliott
• Multiple people saying “food was amazing” – I feel fortunate that I was able to get catered food from my friend’s Vietnamese restaurant in London. Though I appreciate some people thinking that I cooked the food, cooking is neither a skill that I’m currently good at nor is a something I’m inherently motivated by. But I do believe in the magic of good food, the way it somehow plays a role in forming community
• Serendipity of jump roping, pistol squats (i.e. single legged squats) – only at a party filled with athletic individuals (e.g. dancers)
• Little gifts from Steve (cupcake, recicprocating what I got him for his birthday) and a traveler’s mug from NZ
• Nora helping clean up by grabbing the empty bottles and placing them outside in the front recycling bin
• Ani attempting to greet and let other guests at the front door in but she couldn’t figure out to operate the door and said “Sorry Matt, useless here.” Gave me a proper chuckle
• Heidi offering to make me a drink – small and specific gesture that I really appreciated it. Yesterday, I was bouncing back and forth between consistently heating up food in the oven, stirring delicious vegan curry, cooking rice, checking on Elliott, popping out in the backyard and chatting with people
• Heidi drawing a painting of Elliott in her beautiful dress