Matt Chung's Site

Category: Life

  • Receiving end of racism: distress tolerance (STOP) skill

    Receiving end of racism: distress tolerance (STOP) skill

    It’s been a while since I experienced overt racism but today, while working remotely in the Morden Costa coffee shop, a man sitting a few tables away from me, shouted “Hey, CHINA man”, trying to get my attention. After I ignored him, he followed with shouting out a few expletives, then proceeded to step outside the front door, temporarily leaving his belongings behind.

    I felt in my body my subjective unit of distress (SUD) increase.

    I recognized I was distressed but could not immediately pinpoint my primary emotion. So I immediately applied the STOP distress tolerance skill: the goal is not to improve the situation, but not make it worst. And the reason I decided to just momentarily pause was because I had the thought to dart over to him and confront him, the urge to dangle my index finger in his face, wanting some sort of physical altercation.

    Now, in this moment, I recognize the primary emotion: anger.

    I felt injustice. Is it valid? Yes. Is the anger justified? Yes. And at the same time, acting on the anger would NOT be effective. That it, it would not be aligned with my long term values.

    After allowing a few minutes to pass, it’s now obvious that this man is either drunk (or on some other substance) and/or dealing with mental health issues. I’m in this moment, typing this, practicing compassion, trying to look beyond his visible behavior and give him the benefit. Of course, I would physically protect myself should he approach me and I felt like I couldn’t avoid, but I don’t feel that that’s the case.

  • Proud dad moment: Elliott blowing a bubble (gum)

    Proud dad moment: Elliott blowing a bubble (gum)

    Experiencing Joy and Pride

    • I experienced an intense level of joy (6 out of 5) today when Elliott blew her first bubble gum, which was caught on camera
    • I was so proud of her and felt even more proud of her response to my joyful reaction: “I feel proud of myself”
    • About 4 weeks ago, June 22, her and I picked (for the first time) up bubble gum at the local convenience store and started the chewing gum journey
    • After semi-regular practice (about once a week) she not only landed blowing bubble, but enjoyed the experienced so much that continued to chew gum for about 1-2 hours after

    Parenting philosophy

    • I recognize that I value independence and probably much more relaxed than the average parent when it comes to “rules”
    • As her father, I’m not seeking “compliance”. Often, Elliott asks the question “why” a lot. It’s not just a single “why”; sometimes its a recursive why of about 5-6 (sometimes more).
    • During these moments, I practice mindfulness and patience (for the long term), really putting my best foot forward to answer honestly. I love the fact that she probes and questions and applies critical thinking, even at the cost of (short term) effort and sometimes frustration that I experience

    Teaching emotions

    • We sat in bed today, watching trailers of “Inside Out” and “Inside Out 2”. She asked “who’s that” and I would explain that’s envy, a useful emotion. All emotions serve a purpose.
    • Emotions is not only something I am devoting time and energy as a 36 year old learning, but a topic that was never discussed with me growing up
    • I recognize in this life time, I can only pass so much down in one generation and if I had to prioritize, learning about our inner emotions is one of my main priorities

    Spiritual Growth of Elliott

    • Relatedly, I’m interested in nurturing her spiritual growth (cannot even define this yet and still learning about this topic)
    • I try to remain very curious of her own values and try to remain aware of my own blind spots and times when I imposing my own values. For instance, to name a few, I value physical activity, independence, curiosity. Will Elliott value those things? Maybe. Maybe not.
    • In fact, I already recognize (perhaps through osmosis from her mom) that Elliott pays attention to aesthetically beautiful things (I do not necessarily have a high value for beauty like things in nature)
  • Short self analysis on house dance move: toe tap

    Short self analysis on house dance move: toe tap

    I almost always post recap videos on Instagram after taking dance classes (of course unless the class does not permit or discourages filming). In addition to capturing, creating and posting these videos (that hopefully show the spirit of the class), I’ll sometimes review clips of me dancing in class, playing back certain moves that I remember not “clicking” during the class; then I will try to observe and identify what specific parts of the move I’d like to refine. From yesterday’s class, one move (there are others) that I noticed I want to evaluate and improve was the part of the loose leg transition: the toe tap.

    I like to be as specific as possible when attempting to self-correct a movement. And while there may be other aspects that could be “cleaned up”, the two that I’m going to direct my focus towards are:

    1. The the angle of the tapping leg when its lifting in the air – was not engaging the gluteus muscle (more on this below)
    2. The straightness of the base leg – again, was not engaging the gluteus

    As a relatively new dancer (i.e. less than a year), it’s not always obvious to me what appears “off” (that’s why I feel private 1:1 are so effective because instructors can often immediately articulate what specifically needs attention).

    In other words, sometimes my eye detects something needs improvement but I’m not able to pinpoint specifically what I’d like to change.

    As such, I will juxtaposition two videos side by side, lining up two clips: the first clip of someone I consider performing the move that inspires me and the second clip of myself. I then frame by frame play back the two videos in sync (a whole separate topic), relying on my eye to spot the subtle differences.

    After analyzing the above sequence, I walked over to the mirror hung up in my bedroom flat and then watched myself in the mirror as I emulated he r movement. I attempted to both straighten the base leg and lifted the tapping leg. What’s most interesting about this exercise is that (like I continually to learn over and over) I was essentially not engaging my gluteus muscles. My directing my attention to them and flexing them, the move itself cleaned up.

    So in short, dance for me serves as a mechanism — a vehicle — for increasing body awareness.

    Recap Video

  • Sadness following receiving a hurtful Instagram comment

    Yesterday I experienced a moment of sadness after reading a comment (see screenshot below) posted by (burner) Instagram account. I had thoughts that this person may be Jess (since I had blocked her account — along with her family — after she had repeatedly brought up my Instagram stories up during mediation and it was becoming increasingly painful and disappointing), a friend or family member of hers, or perhaps her new partner.

    I’m not sure and not only will I never know … and it’s not in my values to identify this person.

    Their comment definitely caught me off guard. I initially experienced guilt — not shame — and then I checked (and continuing to check) the facts. Ultimately, the guilt is not justified.

    However, this person is right to some degree: I have not been sharing the full story.

    That’s deliberate.

    The reason isn’t to create a false narrative.

    The reason isn’t to make myself “look good” as this person posits.

    The reason is this: it’s not within my values to share the whole story because doing so would, in my opinion, make Jess’s behaviors public and I am treating both mediation and divorce as sensitive and not something I feel is within my values nor necessary to share with random strangers on the internet. In other words, it would be unfair to her. Unfair to Elliott as well.

    Ultimately, as much as I disagree with her behaviors, which is driven by a difference in our values, it’s not in my wise mind to share those sensitive details with everyone publicly.

  • 2023 – Brief Life Update

    2023 – Brief Life Update

    I haven’t posted on this blog for almost a year. And I miss writing. A lot.

    Interestingly enough, I observed that I stopped publishing my own writing when my attention and intention shifted towards growing an audience, when I had decided to “professionalize” my blog and create a funnel for business. A part of me was crippled by fear of failing, so I just stopped writing all together.

    Now, I’d like to rediscover a way to write, to express creativity, and at the same time, publish writing that others will find interesting and useful.

    But first, time to rebuild that writing muscle. Here are some recent life updates:

    Recent life updates

    Of all the updates below, I would say the most significant events are:

    • Diagnosed with adult ADHD at the age of 34 – met with (2) different psychiatrists and discovered that in addition to ADHD, I exhibit traits for other conditions
    • Started doing things for fun, like dancing – When I founded Crossbill in 2021, I more or less stopped doing all fun activities and focused all my attention and effort into growing the business.
    • Under high distress, I suggested that my wife and I take time apart – During an argument between my wife and I, I (on the surface, appearing calm) suggested that we separate and take some time apart. I had expected her to push back, to in some way, tell me the idea was non-sense. Instead, she agreed. That sent me into a spiral and I proceeded to sit on the couch and cry uncontrollably and disassociated and unable to articulate what I was feeling. This specific event altered the course of not only my relationship with my wife, but my life (grateful for the incident)
    • Enrolled and started dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) – I signed up for Greenlake Therapy Group’s Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) program and it has been … life changing, giving me tools and skills to regulate my emotions, build interpersonal skills and ultimately, build a life worth living.
    • Wife and daughter move to London – my wife (Jess) and daughter (Elliott) moved to London and we’re intentionally taking time apart while I focus (on my above) program in person, here in Seattle.
  • Leaps of faiths

    Leaps of faiths

    Today marks my last day at Amazon Web Services. The last 5 years have flown by. Typically, when I share the news with my colleagues or friends or family, their response is almost always “Where are you heading next?”.

    Having a job lined up is the logical, rational and responsible thing to do before making a career transition. A plan is not only the safe thing to do, but probably even the right thing to do, especially if you have a family you need to financially support. And up until recently, I started really doubting myself, questioning my decision to leave a career behind without a bullet-proof plan.

    But then, I start to reflect on the last 10 years and all of the leaps of faith I took. In retrospect, many of those past decisions made no sense whatsoever.

    At least not at that time.

    Seven years ago, I left my position as a director of technology at Fox and with nothing lined up, reduced my belongings to a single suit case, moving to London for a girl I had only briefly met for 2 hours while volunteering at an orphanage in Vietnam. When I booked my flight from Los Angeles to London, almost everyone was like, “Matt — you just met her. This makes no sense.”

    They were right. It made no sense.

    Around the same time, another leap of faith: confessing to my family and friends that I was living a double life and subsequently checking myself into rehab and therapy. Many could not fathom why I was asking for help since issues, especially around addiction, was something our family didn’t talk about. Shame and guilt was something we kept ourselves, something one battles alone, in isolation.

    Again, my decision made no sense.

    But now, looking back, those decisions were a no brainer. That relationship I took a shot on blossomed into a beautiful marriage. And attending therapy every week for the past 5 years quite literally saved my life from imploding into total chaos. These decisions , making no sense at the time, were made out of pure instinct.

    But somehow, they make total sense now.

    Because it’s always easy to connect the dots looking backwards — never forwards.

    So here I am, right now, my instinct nudging me to take yet another leap of faith. It’s as if I have this magic crystal ball, showing me loud and clear what my path is: a reimagined life centered around family.

    How is this all going to pan out?

    No clue.

    But it’ll probably all make sense 5 years from now.

  • My first lawn seeds germinating!

    My first lawn seeds germinating!

    After watching dozens of YouTube videos on lawn care, I decided about two weeks ago to overseed the front lawn and water the grass twice a day (I really used to think that the earth would just magically nourish our yard). And up until this morning, I wasn’t entirely sure if all my effort was wasted, since it’s really difficult to spot whether or not seeds were actually germinating. On top of this daily maintenance, I’ve been also singing to them, giving them some verbal love.

    My first lawn seeds germinating 1.5 weeks later

    And this morning, about 1.5 weeks later after initial seeding, I discovered that my little seeds were starting to germinate!  Proof! Finally! I was so ecstatic that I snapped a couple photos and then bolted inside, sharing the photos with Elliott and Jess.

    I suppose this is one of the silver linings of COVID-19 and being locked down at home for the last year? I’m turning into a lawn care nut.

  • Speaking up for others

    Speaking up for others

    Ever since I was little boy, if any of my friends were bullied or picked on, and I noticed they couldn’t defend themselves, I would speak up on their behalf. Speaking up for others has always come naturally for me and it’s habit that I still flex even as an adult. However, these days, I’m a tad more reluctant to take action; I’ve learned that sometimes its best to allow people the opportunity to fight their own battles. Knowing when to stay silent or speak up for others is not so black and white: it’s an art.

    I’m constantly walking a fine line.

    In fact, this blog post was sparked by another student in my OMSCS program, who posted a question on the online forum, which lead to a discussion I wasn’t sure I should engage. This particular student had asked for a one day extension for the first programming project, admitting that they vastly underestimated the complexity of the assignment. Then, another anonymous student chimed in, complaining that it would be “unfair” for the other students who actually “budgeted” their time. As soon as I read this anonymous person’s comment, I immediately felt annoyed and wanted to send a knee-jerk response but decided to step away from my keyboard since I didn’t want to type something I would regret.

    Instead, here’s how I responded:

    Piazza post – asking for a single day extension

    And I’m glad I did respond. Because since voicing my opinion, a handful of other students started replying to the thread, taking a similar stance to mine.

    In general, I’m motivated to speak up for others is because I fervently believe in the following quote:

    “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

    ― Edmund Burke

  • Just a thought: On working from home

    Just a thought: On working from home

    Like almost everyone else working remotely due to the COVID-19 global pandemic, I struggled with adjusting to the work from home situation, more than I could’ve possibly anticipated. I found difficulty in my daily routines suddenly disappearing; my deeply ingrained habits vanished out of thin air: no more commuting to the office; no more breathing in the fresh, cold air during my walks to the bus; no more swinging by the local gym for a short 30 minute mental and emotional exercise; and no more leaving the house. On top of wrestling with the change in routines, the constant at home interruptions kicked me in the butt:

    No way to shut people out; no way shut myself in.

    I cannot begin to count the number of moments where I reached a deep state of focus, only to be interrupted, either by my adorable daughter or by one of my two dogs or by my beautiful wife. Although these interruptions knocked me off my balance, I’ve adapted to them and, on some level, grown to appreciate them. Without my family unit, I would be just another lone wolf. And I’ll take interruptions all day long over being lonely.

  • To fading memories

    To fading memories

    One silver lining of COVID-19 is that I’m working remotely from home and despite the constant interruptions, I’ve grown to appreciate situation. I’m afforded experiences not normally available to me when working physically in the office. Among which is seeing my daughter grow up, right before my eyes. Every day, I catch these fleeting moments, such as her lifting her chin up and staring softly and lovingly at her mom.

    Yet, these beautiful moments strike fear in me.

    I have not been able to shake that idea that that Elliott will forget about the dogs — Metric and Mushroom — once they pass away, memories of them vanishing too. Compared to us humans, dogs live a short life span, an unfair reality. And my dogs, in particular, have likely reached their half-life. So, every time the two dogs roll around on the floor with Elliott and every time Elliott puckers her lips and lays a wet one on their noses, I simultaneously feel both joy and pain. Joy for the current moment. Pain for the future.

    I fear that Elliott’s memories of the dog will fade because I too forgot about my first dog. Apparently, I grew up with a German Shepherd, named Champ. Apparently, Champ was present in the first two years of my life— but I have zero recollection of him.

    I do wonder, though, how much of Champ left an imprint on me. Did his presence early on in my life influence my “random” decision of choosing a German Shepherd breed for my first dog?

    Perhaps.

    Back to my Elliot. I painfully understand that she’ll only remember, if I’m lucky, fragments of her first two dogs. She’ll forget their unique smells. She’ll forget the countless number of times we pulled out dog hair from her mouth during lunch. She’ll forget all the times she woke up from a nap, screaming for them to join her in bed.

    She’ll forget the first day she met the two dogs, the day we brought her home from the hospital, when both dogs dutifully slept by her crib, neither dog leaving her side, obediently guarding her. She’ll forget all the times she purposelessly threw scraps of food on the floor for them to lick off the ground.

    But as her father, I’ll never forget. I’ll remember them, cherish them, and hold on to them, dearly.

    And the best I can offer her, and myself, are capturing and collecting and sharing these memories.

    So, here you go, Elliott. Here are a few snapshots of your childhood with the doggies.

    Elliott and Mushroom

     

    Elliott and Metric