Matt Chung's Site

Category: Life

  • 2023 – Brief Life Update

    2023 – Brief Life Update

    I haven’t posted on this blog for almost a year. And I miss writing. A lot.

    Interestingly enough, I observed that I stopped publishing my own writing when my attention and intention shifted towards growing an audience, when I had decided to “professionalize” my blog and create a funnel for business. A part of me was crippled by fear of failing, so I just stopped writing all together.

    Now, I’d like to rediscover a way to write, to express creativity, and at the same time, publish writing that others will find interesting and useful.

    But first, time to rebuild that writing muscle. Here are some recent life updates:

    Recent life updates

    Of all the updates below, I would say the most significant events are:

    • Diagnosed with adult ADHD at the age of 34 – met with (2) different psychiatrists and discovered that in addition to ADHD, I exhibit traits for other conditions
    • Started doing things for fun, like dancing – When I founded Crossbill in 2021, I more or less stopped doing all fun activities and focused all my attention and effort into growing the business.
    • Under high distress, I suggested that my wife and I take time apart – During an argument between my wife and I, I (on the surface, appearing calm) suggested that we separate and take some time apart. I had expected her to push back, to in some way, tell me the idea was non-sense. Instead, she agreed. That sent me into a spiral and I proceeded to sit on the couch and cry uncontrollably and disassociated and unable to articulate what I was feeling. This specific event altered the course of not only my relationship with my wife, but my life (grateful for the incident)
    • Enrolled and started dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) – I signed up for Greenlake Therapy Group’s Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) program and it has been … life changing, giving me tools and skills to regulate my emotions, build interpersonal skills and ultimately, build a life worth living.
    • Wife and daughter move to London – my wife (Jess) and daughter (Elliott) moved to London and we’re intentionally taking time apart while I focus (on my above) program in person, here in Seattle.
  • Leaps of faiths

    Leaps of faiths

    Today marks my last day at Amazon Web Services. The last 5 years have flown by. Typically, when I share the news with my colleagues or friends or family, their response is almost always “Where are you heading next?”.

    Having a job lined up is the logical, rational and responsible thing to do before making a career transition. A plan is not only the safe thing to do, but probably even the right thing to do, especially if you have a family you need to financially support. And up until recently, I started really doubting myself, questioning my decision to leave a career behind without a bullet-proof plan.

    But then, I start to reflect on the last 10 years and all of the leaps of faith I took. In retrospect, many of those past decisions made no sense whatsoever.

    At least not at that time.

    Seven years ago, I left my position as a director of technology at Fox and with nothing lined up, reduced my belongings to a single suit case, moving to London for a girl I had only briefly met for 2 hours while volunteering at an orphanage in Vietnam. When I booked my flight from Los Angeles to London, almost everyone was like, “Matt — you just met her. This makes no sense.”

    They were right. It made no sense.

    Around the same time, another leap of faith: confessing to my family and friends that I was living a double life and subsequently checking myself into rehab and therapy. Many could not fathom why I was asking for help since issues, especially around addiction, was something our family didn’t talk about. Shame and guilt was something we kept ourselves, something one battles alone, in isolation.

    Again, my decision made no sense.

    But now, looking back, those decisions were a no brainer. That relationship I took a shot on blossomed into a beautiful marriage. And attending therapy every week for the past 5 years quite literally saved my life from imploding into total chaos. These decisions , making no sense at the time, were made out of pure instinct.

    But somehow, they make total sense now.

    Because it’s always easy to connect the dots looking backwards — never forwards.

    So here I am, right now, my instinct nudging me to take yet another leap of faith. It’s as if I have this magic crystal ball, showing me loud and clear what my path is: a reimagined life centered around family.

    How is this all going to pan out?

    No clue.

    But it’ll probably all make sense 5 years from now.

  • My first lawn seeds germinating!

    My first lawn seeds germinating!

    After watching dozens of YouTube videos on lawn care, I decided about two weeks ago to overseed the front lawn and water the grass twice a day (I really used to think that the earth would just magically nourish our yard). And up until this morning, I wasn’t entirely sure if all my effort was wasted, since it’s really difficult to spot whether or not seeds were actually germinating. On top of this daily maintenance, I’ve been also singing to them, giving them some verbal love.

    My first lawn seeds germinating 1.5 weeks later

    And this morning, about 1.5 weeks later after initial seeding, I discovered that my little seeds were starting to germinate!  Proof! Finally! I was so ecstatic that I snapped a couple photos and then bolted inside, sharing the photos with Elliott and Jess.

    I suppose this is one of the silver linings of COVID-19 and being locked down at home for the last year? I’m turning into a lawn care nut.

  • Speaking up for others

    Speaking up for others

    Ever since I was little boy, if any of my friends were bullied or picked on, and I noticed they couldn’t defend themselves, I would speak up on their behalf. Speaking up for others has always come naturally for me and it’s habit that I still flex even as an adult. However, these days, I’m a tad more reluctant to take action; I’ve learned that sometimes its best to allow people the opportunity to fight their own battles. Knowing when to stay silent or speak up for others is not so black and white: it’s an art.

    I’m constantly walking a fine line.

    In fact, this blog post was sparked by another student in my OMSCS program, who posted a question on the online forum, which lead to a discussion I wasn’t sure I should engage. This particular student had asked for a one day extension for the first programming project, admitting that they vastly underestimated the complexity of the assignment. Then, another anonymous student chimed in, complaining that it would be “unfair” for the other students who actually “budgeted” their time. As soon as I read this anonymous person’s comment, I immediately felt annoyed and wanted to send a knee-jerk response but decided to step away from my keyboard since I didn’t want to type something I would regret.

    Instead, here’s how I responded:

    Piazza post – asking for a single day extension

    And I’m glad I did respond. Because since voicing my opinion, a handful of other students started replying to the thread, taking a similar stance to mine.

    In general, I’m motivated to speak up for others is because I fervently believe in the following quote:

    “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

    ― Edmund Burke

  • Just a thought: On working from home

    Just a thought: On working from home

    Like almost everyone else working remotely due to the COVID-19 global pandemic, I struggled with adjusting to the work from home situation, more than I could’ve possibly anticipated. I found difficulty in my daily routines suddenly disappearing; my deeply ingrained habits vanished out of thin air: no more commuting to the office; no more breathing in the fresh, cold air during my walks to the bus; no more swinging by the local gym for a short 30 minute mental and emotional exercise; and no more leaving the house. On top of wrestling with the change in routines, the constant at home interruptions kicked me in the butt:

    No way to shut people out; no way shut myself in.

    I cannot begin to count the number of moments where I reached a deep state of focus, only to be interrupted, either by my adorable daughter or by one of my two dogs or by my beautiful wife. Although these interruptions knocked me off my balance, I’ve adapted to them and, on some level, grown to appreciate them. Without my family unit, I would be just another lone wolf. And I’ll take interruptions all day long over being lonely.

  • To fading memories

    To fading memories

    One silver lining of COVID-19 is that I’m working remotely from home and despite the constant interruptions, I’ve grown to appreciate situation. I’m afforded experiences not normally available to me when working physically in the office. Among which is seeing my daughter grow up, right before my eyes. Every day, I catch these fleeting moments, such as her lifting her chin up and staring softly and lovingly at her mom.

    Yet, these beautiful moments strike fear in me.

    I have not been able to shake that idea that that Elliott will forget about the dogs — Metric and Mushroom — once they pass away, memories of them vanishing too. Compared to us humans, dogs live a short life span, an unfair reality. And my dogs, in particular, have likely reached their half-life. So, every time the two dogs roll around on the floor with Elliott and every time Elliott puckers her lips and lays a wet one on their noses, I simultaneously feel both joy and pain. Joy for the current moment. Pain for the future.

    I fear that Elliott’s memories of the dog will fade because I too forgot about my first dog. Apparently, I grew up with a German Shepherd, named Champ. Apparently, Champ was present in the first two years of my life— but I have zero recollection of him.

    I do wonder, though, how much of Champ left an imprint on me. Did his presence early on in my life influence my “random” decision of choosing a German Shepherd breed for my first dog?

    Perhaps.

    Back to my Elliot. I painfully understand that she’ll only remember, if I’m lucky, fragments of her first two dogs. She’ll forget their unique smells. She’ll forget the countless number of times we pulled out dog hair from her mouth during lunch. She’ll forget all the times she woke up from a nap, screaming for them to join her in bed.

    She’ll forget the first day she met the two dogs, the day we brought her home from the hospital, when both dogs dutifully slept by her crib, neither dog leaving her side, obediently guarding her. She’ll forget all the times she purposelessly threw scraps of food on the floor for them to lick off the ground.

    But as her father, I’ll never forget. I’ll remember them, cherish them, and hold on to them, dearly.

    And the best I can offer her, and myself, are capturing and collecting and sharing these memories.

    So, here you go, Elliott. Here are a few snapshots of your childhood with the doggies.

    Elliott and Mushroom

     

    Elliott and Metric

  • 20s for education, 30s for experience, 40s for career.

    20s for education, 30s for experience, 40s for career.

    In my mid twenties, I was blessed to receive some of the best career, and quite frankly, life advice. During that period of my life, I was working as a director of technology, leading a small group of engineers. But I was getting ready to throw in the towel. I lacked both the experience and confidence needed. So I reached out to my friend Brian, asking him if he knew anyone who could help me with “executive coaching”. Thankfully, Brian connected me with a C level executive: let’s call him Phil (that’s actually his name).

    Prod, provoke, encourage

    When I met Phil at the Jerry’s Deli located in the valley, one of the first things he flat out told me was that executive coaching is bullshit. Despite that belief, he essentially coached me and gave me some sage advice that now I get to pass on.

    Seth Godin once stated that “About six times in my life, I have met somebody, who, in the moment, prodded me, provoked me, encouraged me, and something came out on the other side”.

    Phil is one of those 6 people in my life.

    The best career and life advice

    The sage advice is simple and sounds similar to Nic Haralambous’s advice “Plan in decades. Think in years. Work in months. Live in days”. But Phil’s advice offers a different perspective, another angle:

    20s for education. 30s for experience. 40s for career

    This advice stuck with me and helps me (re) calibrate my goals and values. Of course, life takes its own twists and turns. But as the Dwight Eisenhower said “Plans are worthless, but planning is everything”

    What does that look like in practice?

    20s for education is NOT synonymous with school. It really means soaking up as much as possible. This learning might take place in school but not exclusively. Because learning can happen anywhere and everywhere.

    Fail and fail a lot.

    For us tech folks, this might be learning a new programming language, dissecting the ins and outs of your compiler, picking up marketing or public speaking skills.

    The list goes on and on.

    30s for experience. This is where the rubber meets the road. Where theory and practice intersect. This may mean you want to switch roles (like how I switched from being a systems engineer to a software developer) or switch companies so that you can apply all that hard earned knowledge that you acquired in your twenties.

    Finally, 30s will feed into your 40s, where you get to establish your career. Maybe working for a small company, where you get to wear a bunch of hats. Maybe for a large corporation, where you hone in or specialize in a particular niche. Or maybe as an entrepreneur, building your own product or service.

    Now what?

    I’m actually revisiting these words of wisdom. Right now. For the last six months or so, I’ve been overly focused on an upcoming promotion from a mid to senior level engineer at Amazon. Instead of chasing this new title — cause that’s all it really is — I’d rather redirect my focus and make mistakes, stretch myself and find opportunities that put me in a uncomfortable (but growth inducing) experiences.

  • A letter from my future self: “Dear 2019 Matt”

    A letter from my future self: “Dear 2019 Matt”

    In 2019, Sal Khan wrote a letter to his past self as a reflection exercise and made that letter public and published it on his blog. Thanks Sal.

    Inspired by his post and this reflection exercise, I decided to write a letter from my future self (Matt in 2029). In other words, I wrote the letter from future Matt (2029) to present Matt (2019). Of course, I wrote this letter before the global pandemic, before my first daughter born. So much has changed since a year ago.  That being said, the exercise is super valuable and allows me to gauge whether I am walking the course that I had once charted.

    And I think you should also do the same reflection exercise. Set aside about an hour. Just lay it all out. Then, set the letter aside and revisit it six months from now, a year from now, five years from now. You’ll be surprised how accurate (and inaccurate) your predictions are.

    A letter to myself

    Dear 2019 Matt,

    You see that wife of yours? Go give her a big wet kiss on the lips. Then throw your arms around her, giving her a big bear hug. Hold it. Now tell her you love her — I’ll wait while you do it — because you really don’t tell her enough. Have no fear: she’s not going anywhere. And while you are at it, kiss Metric on the nose and pat Mushroom on the head. They’re both in doggy heaven now, smiling down on me, 2029 Future Matt.

    Moving on, here are some suggestions.

    First off, up your Vietnamese speaking skills (and your written skills while you are at it). Seriously. You are a Vietnamese American man. Vietnamese — the mother tongue of your two, refugee parents. Use the language to connect (and reconnect) with your loved ones, friends and family, especially your grandma. It’s important Matt — she’s no longer around. Don’t make the mistake of not being able to not only articulate and share your thoughts and feelings and your life story, but listen to her stories. How did she do it all — having kids at 19 and then fleeing Vietnam without a lick of English? Separately, don’t you want your children to speak the language as well?

    Next up, get involved with the community. I understand you are naturally introverted and insular. But you aren’t alone: join a community of like minded people. People who care about the things you care about. Cannot find that community? Make one. Like your wife tells you — you are a community builder. You have this ability to attract and bring people together, make them feel comfortable under their own skin (since that’s something you’ve worked so hard on: learning to accept yourself).

    Keep up the singing and guitar lessons. They’ve come in handy. No — future you is not a rock star and you are not touring across the globe. But you’ve breathed music into your children’s lives. They’re constantly yanking on your t-shirt, inviting you to sing and dance. And of course you do it because you not only love them to pieces but you want to teach them how to be comfortable under their own skin. That’s important to you because you know what it feels like not feel completely okay with who you are.

    Keep plugging away at that Computer Science Master’s program from Georgia Tech. It’s serving a couple purposes. On one hand, you are doing it because you are mastering your craft, learning the ins and outs of your discipline. On the other hand, you know there’s shadow side to why you are doing it: you can feel a bit insecure at times (even though you don’t let it show) since you are in the big leagues, working at Amazon and being surrounded smart folks with their fancy degrees. But once you finish up that program, use that lunch time to actually have lunch with folks instead of studying.

    Now, on the emotional side, keep walking that path of forgiveness. Remember that Oprah interview you watched, the interview with Wade and James, the two brave men speaking out about their sexual abuse from Michael Jackson? Remember what James Safechuck poignantly said: forgiveness is not a line you cross, but a path you take. With that quote in mind, learn not only how to forgive yourself for the things you’ve done and people you hurt but learn how to forgive others around you — like your father. Yes, he’s still around but he’s old now: 70. He doesn’t have that much time left on this earth. Basically, keep up with what you are doing: you no longer imagine what life could be if things were different. No. That’s not you anymore and future you is proud.

    One more thing: reintroduce meditation to your life. Cause 2029 is crazier than you’d expect, even more so than now. You think Trump being the president is ludicrous ? Can you guess who is the president in 2029?

    So far, I’ve been naming a bunch of things for you to do and for to think about. But also take it easy on yourself. Acknowledge how far you have come. You are piling so much on your plate: you are working full time as a software engineer at Amazon, playing husband 24 x 7, walking the dogs at 06:30 AM every morning (from your cozy 2 story Northgate house to Maple Leaf park) because the dogs deserve daily exercise to keep them healthy, taking singing lessons every Tuesday evening, mastering the fret board of your guitar, refining your writing skills.

    I know your mind constantly races. You want to be a good husband (you are). You want to be a good son (you are). You want to be a good brother (you are). You want to be a good father (you will be).

    2029 Matt is really proud of you

  • Quotes from “My life story” by Veritasium

    Quotes from “My life story” by Veritasium

    During some down time this evening, I watched the below YouTube video clip filmed and produced by Veritasium and I absolutely loved hearing about his journey, especially about how becoming a father has fundamentally changed the way he views his time. Because I’m in a similar boat: My life looks nothing like it did a little less than a year ago, when my daughter (Elliott) was born. She’s a handful but worth all the sleep the deprivation.  I’m so thankful to have such a wonderful wife who thrives as a mother (seriously: mother of the year award) and has more patience than a meditating monk.

    Anyways, the video “My Life Story” spoke to me and here are some quotes that really resonated:

     I was looking for that well defined path toward a creative career

    I’ve searched for that linear path towards a rewarding and meaningful career and I think to some degree, I’m still searching. Ideally, I could blend my work as a software developer (my dream job just a few years ago) with creative writing.

    “I reached a breaking point .. I was 28 years old and I had spent my whole life up until then building up back up plans, and doing the things that were most likely to succeed …”

    I love learning and love challenging myself and love learning more about the craft of computer science: these are all things that motivate me to pursue my master’s in computer science. But on some level, I know deep down that I want to write and read and teach and mentor: the things that spark joy in my life.

    “Sometimes I think its a blessing not to know how bad you are. If I had known I would have quit. But I didn’t. So I kept working at it

    Working at Amazon for the last 4.5 years, I now realize what it feels like to work side by side with top talent. And had I been fully aware of the gaping holes in my skills and knowledge, I don’t think I would’ve applied to work where I do now.

    I’m all too aware of the survivor bias, that is if you look at the subset of people who are successful at a particular thing, well your kinda ignoring all the experience of the many more people who did not manage to succeed

    Yes yes yes. We often look at all the people who “succeed” and listen to their sage advice of “follow your passion”, overlooking the fact that many many people “follow their passion” and fail to see their dreams manifest.

    Having kids has also made me reevaluate the types of videos I want to be making .. and what I want to be doing with my time

    Although I don’t make videos but as a father, I’m constantly evaluating how I spend my time because I know, deep down, what’s going to matter 10 years or 20 years or 30 years is this: my friends and family. Not fortune or fame (although those things are nice as well).

     

     

  • Libraries are love

    Earlier this evening, I neatly stacked my unbounded 200 page textbook onto the document feeder of a waist high scanner, converting a college Linear Algebra book from physical form into a 40 megabyte colored PDF — all within 3 minutes. And best of all: it was free! That’s right, I didn’t pay a single penny, thanks to my local library, which is somehow stocked with a blazing fast multi functioning scanner, a Sharp MX-4070 that sells for $15,000.  Tapping into the free resources that my library offers reminded me just how amazing libraries are. And after I scanned my book, I strolled up and down a couple aisles, running my fingers horizontally across book spines, settling on three books that caught my attention: “When” by Daniel H. Pink, String Theory by David Foster Wallace, and “Where the Past Begins” by Amy Tan. These three books are now sitting on the corner of my desk, within arm’s reach, books that I’ll cycle through over the next couple weeks.

    Anyways, today’s experience served as a reminder of how magical libraries are and how, instead of buying new books that often lay on my shelf collecting dust, I should stroll down to my local library and lap into an incredible, free resource.