Matt Chung's Site

Tag: parenting

  • A cup of tea, a splash of milk, a flood of love

    A cup of tea, a splash of milk, a flood of love

    I’m feeling lots of love right now, all from flicking through my diary and unexpectedly stumbling on some stick figure drawings that my 5 year old daughter drew, along with some sentence fragments she wrote.

    For a moment, the love was overwhelming and I was on the verge of crying.

    I just fucking love my baby so much.

    Here at Tea House Theater, I’m sipping my cup of tea and currently locked, focusing on tidying up my notes since frustration was building up combined with feelings of overwhelm from some creative projects I haven’t yet realized. Often, accompanying these emotions are what feels like a dizzy amount of thoughts racing around in my head; being in this state typically brings on feelings of paralysis. Recognizing the state I am in, I reach into my backpack and pull out my journal so that I can empty out my thoughts using what the “Anchor Technique”.

    Anyways, I was flipping through pages one by one in my journal, trying to find today’s diary entry, when I stumbled on some of Elliott’s drawings. They quickly brought me to the present moment — not worrying about the past, not anxious about the future — and served as a reminder of WHY I am in London, a reminder of ONE of the (primary) reasons I breathe: to be here, for her.

    Daddy loves you Elliott.

  • Reflection on attending a parenting workshop on boundaries

    I signed up for a parenting workshop hosted by my daughter’s (Steiner based) school, a workshop on setting and applying boundaries. Though I have an aversion to authority in general — I value and have a high need for independence — I showed up in the space with an open mind and open heart and learned that there’s a subtle difference between authoritarian and (“positive”) / authoritarian parenting. According to the workshop, we want to move away from the former (authoritarian) and towards the latter (“positive” / authoritarian).

    Here’s what I learned

    • A four quadrant analysis with firm and nurturing
      • Permissive Parenting (high nurture, low firm)
      • Neglectful/Uninvolved (low nurture, low firm)
      • Authoritarian Parenting (high firm, high nurture)
      • Positive/Authoritative Parenting (high nurture, high firm)
    • Learned that I have a tendency to sometimes fall into the Permissive quadrant, my default state

    What I enjoyed

    • Breakout groups – listening to some other parents friends and being self aware of their own shortcomings (we all have them)

    Some criticisms

    • Elements of the workshop felt a bit dogmatic
    • Several assumptions and implicit values and beliefs
    • Viewed through a “western” lens and failed to consider cultural context
    • Instances of binary thinking – lacks nuance. Giving kids options “You get to choose X or choose Y” to me lacks imagination
    • I had asked the moderator what their definition of “a boundary” was and she continued to defer to the “books” – I asked this question not to be contentious but I had observed that some of the examples in the pamphlet were not necessarily boundaries (according to my definition of a boundary, the definition I learned from Dr. Becky Kennedy) and were merely requests. For instance, “Call me at 12:00 or setup a time with your dad to pick you up.” Where in here is the boundary? If a child neither calls at midnight nor communicates with their father, what is the consequence of their (in)action?

    Finally, though it was uncomfortable being in the same space as my ex (I had invited her to the workshop in spirit of centering our daughter Elliott), ultimately think both her and I could learn more for Elliott. And overall, though I picked up a few good tools that I’ll practice (lots of overlap with DBT, especially resemblance with “cope ahead” tools), overall I felt the workshop was a bit dogmatic.

  • Daily Review – September 22, 2024 (Sunday)

    Daily Review – September 22, 2024 (Sunday)

    Initially woke up at 4:00am and felt it was a bit too early so gently put myself back to sleep with a couple deep breathes. It’s now 5:18am and feel much more fresh. I have about an hour and 45 minutes (maybe less) before Elliott wakes up. As a single dad who has his daughter alternating weekends, I maximize my time with by giving her mostly my full attention, although there are moments where I need a few minutes to myself throughout the day, especially when there’s conflict between us (which is normal) and me taking a step back to inhale a few deep breathes gives just enough pause so that I can behave as a parent in a way that’s consistent with my long term values.

    Yesterday

    • Woke up early yesterday and took advantage of the 90 minutes or so writing a daily review
    • Played slime with her and it was originally completely stuck to my hand before the slime activator kicked in
    • Before heading off to the festival, Elliott asked if we could practice her riding her bicycle. I’m continuing to use this technique that another parent suggested, where you wrap a sweater around their waist as to avoid having to bend your back the entire time. On Friday, I had used my very expensive sweater and regret doing that because that small amount of time wrapped around Elliott’s waist ended up stretching my sweater. So now I use a scarf.
    • Took Elliott to this AMAZING day festival
    • Elliott snapped a few photos of me with the digital single lens reflex (DSLR) camera and she already (like most kids, I would imagine) developing this creative perspective. I also was impressed and proud that a couple of the photos that she had taken were not blurry (like the featured image on this post)
    • I had setup the movie “Inside out 2” for Elliott on the projector while I stretched my quads for about 10 minutes, then joined her to watch before the two of us fell asleep
    • I felt so much love and joy at random moments yesterday, including her just coming up to me while I was walking towards the bathroom and then grabbed me, kissed me on the forehead and said, “I love you dad” and then nonchalantly walked away. She’ll never realize, or won’t realize for a long time until she’s much older, how much these little moments mean to me
    • Some of the stuff she says absolutely lights me up like, when I taught her yesterday what was “Come as you are”, a term from the house dance community, and she said, that kind of reminds her of “Become yourself” which to me, are strikingly similar.
    • Another favorite moment of mine was while we were at the daytime festival, the two of us were at a jewelry vendor and both trying on different rings. There’s several subtle, unobservable from the outside, things that I love about this moment. Though I felt the beginnings of anxiousness that Elliott, about to turn 5, would lose or knock over some rings, I just took a deep breath and practiced that even if she did, that happens to all of us. I quieted my mind, quieted my sensitive to people’s opinion, and continued on. At the same time, I recognize that not all little children are mature enough to be playing with jewelry and perhaps that might make the seller nervous but all turned out well and in the end, Elliott walked away with a toe ring (others were too small) wrapped out her cute little index finger
    • I felt a little disappointed in myself for a short period as a dad when it was lunch time and ordered us Indian food but it ended up being too spicy for Elliott and so she was hungry and because the lines were so long, I quickly got her a doughnut just to satiate her for a couple minutes (it’s not that nutritious) then stood in line for mac n’ cheese, which ended up being really really delicious (albeit expensive for a kid’s portion). Note to self: pack (more) snacks cause you never know when food lines are going to be wrapped out the corner and although as an adult I can wait, it must be challenging for little bodies who are not accustomed to the hunger sensation
    • After lunch, Elliott and I shared a delicious double scoop ice cream, mango on top, peppermint on the bottom (I remember this little detail because the presumable manager had directed the employee who was serving us to assemble the ice cream in that order). What I also loved about this little moment was that Elliott noticed that the cone they were about to scoop the ice cream on top of was not the colorful cone (that we had paid for) and she made it a point to tell them. I’m really proud that she speaks up for herself. At the same time, sometimes the way in which she delivers her message can be a bit jarring so part of my job as a dad is to both encourage her to speak up (an area I struggled with growing up) and at the same time, do so in a way that’s more receptive then just a stating a directive.
    • At the end of the daytime festival, on our way out, though we were both tired (and I was seeing if we could buy some time before heading to the Red Bull BC One breaking down the house event), I asked if she wanted to make her own T-Shirt at an arts and crafts tent. Not wanting to make assumptions, I walked up to the two staff working there and asked, “Can you explain how this works and does it cost anything?” I’m proud of myself because even these little types of interactions in the past used to give me social anxiety, sometimes the thought of “You should know better” voice in my head that probably came from a lifetime of being told that over and over from my parents (more particularly my father)
    • Felt a bit disappointed that we didn’t end up going to the Redbull BC One event because I really wanted to the (house dance) community compete and Elliott was so exhausted from being out all day that I wanted to honor and respect her wishes to go home

    Today

    • Loose plans for Elliott to spend some time with an old classmate of hers, me and her classmate’s parents setting up a play date for the two girls
    • Elliott will be returning back to her mom at 5pm tonight

  • Daily Review – Thursday – September 19, 2024

    Like many others walking this earth, I am currently in a state of transition. The divorce (which started last November) is almost coming to an end (won’t be diving into it here since the topic itself deserves its own post) and I’m finding myself constantly asking the following two questions:

    1. What do you want to do?
    2. What do you NOT want to do?

    As Kit Laughlin shared in his podcast interview, the latter question is just as effective. By practicing asking yourself daily, I believe that I’m inching myself towards (for lack of a better word) actualization.

    At the moment, here’s what I don’t want to do:

    • Go back and work full time in technology – whether the role is a leadership role (VP of Engineering) or senior software engineer, I’d like to (if possible) work part-time, anywhere between 15-20 hours per week. With the remainder of time, I’d like to work on my own projects

    Yesterday

    • Elliott after school pick up
      • “Dad, this is a great place to do a pistol squat” – this brought me so much joy because sometimes, when I’m out and about with her, I’ll practice a pistol squat and cannot believe that this stuck with her
      • She asked me to tell her (almost every day) more spooky stories
      • Proud of her when she used the word “bittersweet” – When I touched her hands, I noticed her skin was softer (she had what we thought was a genetic skin condition) and she told me that the medicine she’s taking makes her feel bittersweet and I was so proud of her usage of language (as a almost 5 year old) and asked her where she heard that word and she said, “You taught me Daddy”. I felt proud for both myself and her.
      • I fell asleep while watching Netflix with her – While watching Netflix Super Kitties TV show that I projected onto the ceiling, I fell asleep while laying next to her and woke up about 45 minutes later, just in time for her mom to pick her up
      • Continuing practiced teaching Elliott how to ride her (her words: adult) bicycle with two wheels. I’m treading the line between encouragement and pressuring since I do not want her feel like she “has to” learn how to ride a bicycle since I consider the activity right now a source of joy
    • Dance practice
      • Drilled the last 8 count steps from Ani’s class – heel toe, pivot heel toe, toe tap
      • Practiced Pas De Bourrée variations that I came up with, looping the certain parts of the movement, achieving a sort of flow state. I’m starting to feel more comfortable with leaning into my own creativity

    Today

    • Mavinga responded to my inquiry regarding 1:1 private dance lessons and she stepped through my Google Document that outlines my dance goals
      • She said (in a kind way I feel) that she’ll train me military style, the same way she trains with her Belgian friends. I’m all in and excited at the opportunity. We are working out logistics right now
      • When she vocalized (in her own words) my goals, she said so you want to dance at a professional level. At first I felt a bit embarrassed, took a deep breathe in and, actually, yes, I do want to dance at a highest level: for me I’m not forcing or pushing myself. I am building a relationship with dance and curious as to if I can actualize the visions I have of me dancing
    • Stretched for about 30 minutes
      • Worked my lats
      • Yamuna ball for my chest and shoulders

    Plans

    • Take a scheduled call with a tax attorney
    • Take a scheduled call with some executives from White Space, a company that I’m considering consulting for on a part time basis as a VP of engineering
    • Delete AWS Resources for my Crossbill account since I’ve seen bills come in at hundreds of dollars, resources that I’m not using. So just tearing down various resources that have been neglected
    • Attend Dance Class with Jevan at Base Dance studios at 5:30pm
    • Pick up groceries in Wimbledon (from M&S) since I have Elliott this weekend and she loves (just like me) bolongese with pasta

  • COVID-19 stunting Elliott’s social skills

    COVID-19 stunting Elliott’s social skills

    Like almost every other parent, my wife and I are doing our best to shelter our 16-month year old daughter, Elliott, in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, us parents trying to fabricate a bubble with some sense of normalcy. Up until recently, I tricked myself into believing that we could mask (or minimize) the impact of social distancing on Elliott. Unfortunately, I no longer hold on to that belief.

    On Monday afternoons, Jess attends a (remote) hour long appointment and during that time, I break away from my office and watch over Elliott. This past Monday, Elliott and I walked — well, I mostly carried her — to the neighborhood park located right around the corner. And when we arrived, in the distance (about 50 feet) were two young girls (around six and two years old) and their nanny, the three of them sitting cross-legged in a circle on the ground, feasting on their homemade picnic.

    Elliott waved her little hand at them and caught the attention of the one of the little girls, who raced over and introduced herself, abruptly stopping just about six feet away from us.

    “I’ll keep my distance, because of the coronavirus.”

    After shooting the shit with this 6 year old for a couple minutes, we parted ways and Elliott and I continued walking towards the swing area. I noticed that Elliott was still gazing at the two little girls sitting in the distance. When I planted Elliott down on her own two feet, she spun around and faced the direction of the girls, turned her heads towards me, then stretched her arm our towards them, pointing her index finger in their direction, signaling to me she wanted to go play. But I had to explain to her that she couldn’t and that we needed to keep our distance.

    Elliot started bawling. Non stop.

    I felt so sad for her.

    I squatted down to her eye level, trying (as best as I could) to gently explain to her that she couldn’t go play with them. But it was no use. Nothing I said comforted Elliott.

    God damn this pandemic.

    I hope and pray that this pandemic ends soon and that we can return to our “new normal”, a normal that allows children to run around with each other, play tag, hug one another, without them fearing, or their parents fearing, for their lives.

  • To fading memories

    To fading memories

    One silver lining of COVID-19 is that I’m working remotely from home and despite the constant interruptions, I’ve grown to appreciate situation. I’m afforded experiences not normally available to me when working physically in the office. Among which is seeing my daughter grow up, right before my eyes. Every day, I catch these fleeting moments, such as her lifting her chin up and staring softly and lovingly at her mom.

    Yet, these beautiful moments strike fear in me.

    I have not been able to shake that idea that that Elliott will forget about the dogs — Metric and Mushroom — once they pass away, memories of them vanishing too. Compared to us humans, dogs live a short life span, an unfair reality. And my dogs, in particular, have likely reached their half-life. So, every time the two dogs roll around on the floor with Elliott and every time Elliott puckers her lips and lays a wet one on their noses, I simultaneously feel both joy and pain. Joy for the current moment. Pain for the future.

    I fear that Elliott’s memories of the dog will fade because I too forgot about my first dog. Apparently, I grew up with a German Shepherd, named Champ. Apparently, Champ was present in the first two years of my life— but I have zero recollection of him.

    I do wonder, though, how much of Champ left an imprint on me. Did his presence early on in my life influence my “random” decision of choosing a German Shepherd breed for my first dog?

    Perhaps.

    Back to my Elliot. I painfully understand that she’ll only remember, if I’m lucky, fragments of her first two dogs. She’ll forget their unique smells. She’ll forget the countless number of times we pulled out dog hair from her mouth during lunch. She’ll forget all the times she woke up from a nap, screaming for them to join her in bed.

    She’ll forget the first day she met the two dogs, the day we brought her home from the hospital, when both dogs dutifully slept by her crib, neither dog leaving her side, obediently guarding her. She’ll forget all the times she purposelessly threw scraps of food on the floor for them to lick off the ground.

    But as her father, I’ll never forget. I’ll remember them, cherish them, and hold on to them, dearly.

    And the best I can offer her, and myself, are capturing and collecting and sharing these memories.

    So, here you go, Elliott. Here are a few snapshots of your childhood with the doggies.

    Elliott and Mushroom

     

    Elliott and Metric