Throughout my life, I’ve been described by others as a “go-getter”, someone who “gets things done”. While I appreciate both the positive feedback and while I am grateful in my ability to get shit done, one other area I’d like to devote more time and attention to is the act of reviewing — reflecting. Sometimes I feel like life is rapidly passing by, and I have thoughts that I’m in a perpetual state of doing, constantly on the move (according to my birth chart, difficulties of sitting still can be attributed to my Gemini sprinkled everywhere).
But to repeat: I am appreciative of my capabilities that have gifted to me. Yet, sometimes I wonder if some of the challenges in life (e.g. disorganization) that I face in life can be better understood (and subsequently solved) simply by taking a step back, changing my perspective, and asking myself questions, turning inwards, instead of turning outwards.
Lately, the motivation to spend more time reflecting can be partially attributed to me watching a (recorded) video (available only to Waves of Focus members) with David Sparks, a “productivity” expert. In that video, he talks about the importance of reflecting in terms of building a sustainable productivity system
“I’m getting emails from people saying ‘I just can’t figure out why it’s not working’ … The difference — 99% of the time — is people who DO reviews versus people who DON’T make time for them.”
Dance Private Thoughts and Reflections
Because I live about 60-90 minutes away from the dance studio where the lesson was scheduled to take place, I had asked Mavinga if we could arrange for a 90 minute lesson instead of the typical 60 minutes, making the commute more worth it (to me). In retrospect, proactively scheduling a longer lesson was the right call especially so since the warm up (described below) ran for about 30-40 minutes. Had we not preemptively increased the 1:1 time, we would’ve only been left with less than 20 minutes on the actual dance portion.
“Warm up” and training to point of exhaustion
Brutal because high intensity training is not something I’ve been focusing on recently
Historically, cardio and high intensity was my forte, my strength. However, apart from dance classes and at home technique practice, my attention (in terms of physical training) has been devoted to stretching and flexibility
In retrospect, the high intensity training has value for several reasons, among which is that I’d like to be able to sustain and train longer when practicing on my own. Often, limitation is on physical endurance and as such, cuts my practices short
Biggest Takeaway
Someone there to motivate and push made a difference – during the “warm up” (love how she calls it this, because it really is more of like a high intensity interval training workout), there was more than one moment where I was gasping for air and ready to throw in the towel but she shouted “aller aller aller” (go go go) and that helped concentrate my mind
The HIIT workout (above) was no doubt physical training, but also mental – in addition to her words of encouragement, she would say “come on, it’s in the mind. Let’s go let’s go”
Hip hop vs House bounce – she was able to both demonstrate and point out the differences in the look and feel of a hip hop vs house bounce. Because I have practically zero experience with hip hop dance, I found this new groove challenging
Compass exercise – we performed the bounce in multiple directions, performing the bounce in a variety ways; center of gravity still, center of gravity forward.
In person vs remote training differs
The energy in the room can be felt
More motivating – difference between someone in the room saying “let’s go let’s go”
Ability to see small details – goes both ways, while witnessing her in person and her ability to see what I was doing
“Be more precise” and small passing comments can have the most impact and lasting impact – during the compass exercise (above), after one of my rounds, she said “Be more precise” with the direction I was facing. She wants to be able to see the difference and the INTENTION.
After the training
When I got home, I continued practicing the bounce in front of the mirror
I experimented with where I distributed weight
The step bounce feels (and looks) different when transferring weight to ball of foot vs distributing to entire foot
I feel the burn more in my thighs (a good thing I think) when transferring weight to the ball of foot, versus being flat foot
I can leverage my athleticism when deliberately transferring on ball of foot
That is, I can move with more speed
In retrospect, may have over-indexed with dancing with more “weight” this past year and recognize there are moments (like the bounce) where I might want to transfer weight to ball of foot
Bend BOTH legs during the step bounce, especially the back leg
Previously was only bending the front leg but when I closely watched Samantha Mavinga, I noticed that the heel of back foot lifted ever so slightly, indicating to me that she was engaging the back leg, though she did not explicitly or verbally state this
I am returning to the practice of writing up reviews and reflections. Sometimes daily. Sometimes weekly. The review itself is not the goal. In fact, the act of reflecting (for me) provides the most value. It’s a practice.
Overview
Noticed dissatisfaction with my own “bounce” and thus modified technique and redistribute weight
Adjusted upper body groove for the “drunk walk”
Incorporated a knee bend in base leg during the heel toe movement
Bounce technique modification
Seems like such a simple move: the bounce. However, because I tend to watch videos of dancers — ranging from beginners to experts — I’m starting to notice the aesthetic differences between bounces. Though I cannot recall what specific video prompted this thought, I started noticing a subtle (perhaps obvious to others) difference; that being said, I believe this was prompted by watching back Monday’s video of me doing the (older version) of my bounce; I dislike the look of bounces in which the during the downwards direction of the bounce, the knee extends beyond the toes. In doing so, the shin creates an angle that (to my eye) is not beautiful.
Also, though I’ve been told to “lean forward” during this movement, I actually think that’s not entirely accurate. Though leaning forward is a byproduct, it’s not the goal. For me, to achieve the look, it’s more of ensuring that you are going through the motions of a “squat”. It’s more of driving your hips and butt back and down, respectively.
Comparing old and new bounce, side by side
Drunk walk groove adjustment
This move is one that I haven’t been able to get quite yet. And though I’ve tried with Karina / Kerry house dance, I was able to very quickly pick up the move simply by watching him in person. Which makes me wonder: what are some other trade offs that are being made by taking online 1:1 privates? At the same time, I recognize that sometimes it takes multiple repetitions, multiple exposures, before the move suddenly clicks in place.
In any case, my observation is as follows: lean upper body torso in the opposite direction of the leg stepping out in front. That is, if right leg stepped out in front, then lean torso to the left. Similarly, if the leg leg stepped out in front, then lean torso to the right.
What classes did I take?
Monday – Kashmir’s 4 hour hip hop and house training in East London
Tuesday – Ani’s choreography house class at the Pineapple
Thursday – Jevan’s house dance class at Base Dance Studios
Tuesday Class Reflection
On Tuesday, I had the thought to NOT go to class but I am glad I did. I almost never regret attending a dance class
Thursday Class Reflection
I keep saying this over but that class was one of my favorite classes, for multiple reasons.
After my class partner provided me her feedback, I felt an instant emotional shift in my body, suddenly able to TRUST my body, simply by redirecting my focus from nailing the moves to stretching out each move.
Observed during the heel toe step, Jevan (the instructor) would maintain a slight bend in the knee of the base leg (i.e. leg not extending). When I witnessed during the warm up routine, I tried to make that adjustment in my own movement and was pleasantly surprised. First, the pain my left hip reduced. Second, the move appeared more aesthetically pleasing; I tend to not throw heel toe in my freestyle rounds because I’m not satisfied with how it feels or looks but yesterday a tiny victory. Now, it’ll take repetition and training for my body to acclimate to the changes I am introducing. Fascinating that while watching someone’s movement and detecting subtle differences in biomechanics.
I started fumbling during the second half of class when we were being witnessed by our freestyle partner, each of us taking turns to “perform” the combo in front of one another
Jevan invited each freestyle partner to provide one piece of positive feedback and one criticism for growth. Jevan believes that feedback is not utilized enough in classroom settings. Overall, I agree.
My partner stated that I had the moves down and they look good however I could stretch out the movement and listen to the music. More or less, the same advice I continue to hear but her being able to see it and succinctly put it into (what felt like compassion) words despite only just meeting me and seeing me dance for the first time, had a profound effect on me for the remainder of class and I think for the rest of my dance career. Oh also, she mentioned that she liked how even when I forgot the combo, I didn’t freeze (I’ve done this many many many times before when I first moved to London) and instead continued to move my body and picked it back up. Ironically, she had also forgotten the routine during her third round and then she (my perception) confidently executed filler moves. Whether she panicked internally or not, I’ll never know but she portrayed confidence during her stumble
The combo itself was beautiful, combination of the skate, heel toe, pas de bourree, farmer run
I took it SO easy on myself (compared to the past) when I was unable to pick up the final movement that Jevan had showed us. I didn’t stress about it; didn’t have thoughts that “I should know how to do this”. I recognized in the moment that trying to nail that last move would’ve put me in a state of overwhelm.
Noticed I was holding tension in my ankle while performing the farmer run. When I relaxed the ankle and relaxed the foot, the move looked more aesthetically pleasing
My Seattle based dance friend named Mateus flew in Thursday evening and stayed at my flat (goodness I’m so British now) with me until Sunday morning, when he flew back and returned to the states. These past days, I felt a lot of joy and love and gratefulness. Now, I just rode the bus with him to Wimbledon, dropping him off at the station and I’m now cozily posted up in the Starbucks located across the the street, sipping on my earl grey tea + soy milk + honey and writing this little blog post.
Here’s the main squeeze
Less anxiousness compared to previous instances when guests stayed with me in the past – Historically, I’d have a lot of worry thoughts leading up any guest staying with me: “Gosh, I need to clean up around here; I’m so messy” ; “Is there enough space in the house?”; “Are we going to get along; what will they think if XYZ”; “What if we both need to take a shit at the same time”. Nowadays, thanks to all the dialectical behavioral therapy training I received, along with me current work on eliminating (or reducing) fear of opinion of others (FOPO), I’m finding that I’m spending less time preoccupying myself with worry thoughts and spending less time anticipating what others may (or may not) think of me
Increased confidence that getting a divorce was the right decision – I’ve said this and I’ll say it again: the divorce has been the most painful and yet most awakening, profound, spiritual experience of my life, giving me a glimpse into not only the true nature of people — I admit that the criticisms of me have been true: I often give people too much the benefit of the doubt. With certain events unfolding over the weekend, I feel it even more in bones that I’m on the “right” path, my own path, practicing what my daughter says to me: “just being me.”
Experienced feelings of pride after two instances of sober dancing – I used to get crippling anxiety out of fear of embarrassing myself when dancing in front of others. Actually, digging into this deep, it was probably also (unjustified) shame about who I was. Fast forward to present day, I’m finding my ability to dance in social contexts without over-indexing on “what are people thinking of me”. This in itself is a victory and in Kit Laughlin’s words: “no victory too small to celebrate”
Highlights of the trip
Dance on Thursday Night: Class ➡️ Caravan
Despite dancing in a studio and participating in battles and jams, getting pulled into a cypher consisting of people (dancers and whatnot) in a new space absolutely terrified me and I enjoyed it because there were moments where I drew in multiple deep breaths to relax myself during the performance
Credit: @lishaatretton
Every time a (dance community member) friend from Seattle visits me in London, I invite them to join me at dance classes.
So far, I’ve the following individuals have visited me:
Kennedy – Stayed in my flat with me for about a week
Will – Went to two dance classes with me on Tuesday and Thursday and grabbed dinner and tea at Vauxhall’s Tea House Theatre
Pat (and Chandler) – Attended Jevan’s class with me on Thursday and then three of us ate dinner at Vauxhall market place
Mateus
That’s a total of 5 people in 5 months!
Each and every time I’m visited, my energy and spirits are lifted.
Vauxhall, dance class, being offered a churro and Caravan
And this past Thursday with Mateus: no exception. The two of us were able to survive one of the most physically demanding classes on Thursday night – the instructor Kashmire who was subbing for the instructor, Jevan — and following the evening, him and I (along with a new London dance friend named Aubrey) grabbed some dinner at Vauxhall marketplace.
The Vauxhall marketplace was surprisingly packed. I had walked up and down the market place several times searching for an empty table. In the end, I found a rather long table that was partially occupied with two groups, one group consisting of a young man (probably about 20 years old) eating in the corner by himself. I had noticed he was eating churros and commented that “I love churros! How is it? I’m probably going to go grab one myself.” His face lit up, said it was tasty, and then offered me some of his churro. Initially, I said that was so kind and thank you but I’ll purchase my own. However, in the moment, I had interpreted his offering as a gesture, a bid for connection. So I remained curious and followed up, “I really appreciate your offer and not sure if you’re just being polite. You sure I can have a piece of churro?” He quickly nodded. I thank the DBT skills that I’ve developed over the years to remain mindful, to check in with my emotions, and my (increased) willingness to sit with uncertainty and discomfort. After scarfing down one of his churros, that opened up the channels of communication between the four of us — me, my two friends, and this total stranger — and ultimately had a lovely conversation before he took off to head back towards South London.
Favorite moments at Caravan
Caravan is a monthly event curated by artists. The event itself attracts predominately dancers, musicians, singers — artists. I enjoyed going this particular evening especially since I attended along side Mateus and Aubrey.
In addition, all three of us — at different times — got pulled into the center of the dance floor, each of us dancing and freestyling. I loved witnessing both of them dance and can say that I was in both awe and proud of Aubrey because that was the first time (in about 5 months since I’ve known her) see her break a smile on her face while dancing. Whether or not she was feeling it or not, she conveyed a sense of joy during her performance. I felt it.
As for me, I was both anxious when I got called and drew in a couple deep breathes and “let go”, turning off the left side of my brain. I even was able to express musicality and hit the drums that were kicking in. Even though I dance in a studio, battle, the environment was different. Strangers. New Space. The environment completely changes the vibe and ultimately, it felt unfamiliar. I’m not the first to admit that the environment itself can alter the way one moves. In fact, I stumbled on an article describing catching the ghost and that academic paper talks about how other (very experience house dancer experts) share similar sentiments, that the space and crowd (i.e. “civilians”) play a role in one’s dance.
Clubbing at Fabric on Friday Night
(Re) Discovering I fail to whisper quietly
Apparently, I cannot whisper (quietly) and increasing self-awareness of my loud whispering voice. On Friday evening, Mateus and I were sitting next to one another on a bench located outside the night club (Fabric), each of us eating a sandwich. Then a group of beautiful women walked past by us and I wanted to signal Mateus to look and (in my head) thought that I was being subtle. However, Mateus burst out in laughter letting me know that my “yo yo yo” was the antithesis of being subtle and that I practically shouted those words out and if I was trying to be inconspicuous, I had failed.
There’s a discrepancy between what I sound like versus what people hear and this difference is a good example of self-awareness (or lack thereof).
Stopping by my daughter’s birthday party hosted by her mom
I experienced joy seeing Elliott light up at her birthday party. I experienced some grief. And ultimately, the visit itself served as a strong reminder that getting divorced from my ex was/is the best thing for me.
My ex had invited me to attend my daughter’s birthday that was going to be hosted by her and her family, the party taking place at her mom’s house. I had mentioned a numerous amount of times to my ex that I feel uncomfortable being in the same space as her, especially since (almost a year later since our initial official separation) we’re in the midst of a rather contentious divorce. Moreover, when the two of us are confined in a small space together, old behaviors and patterns and interpersonal interactions flare up, part of the reasons that drove us apart. I can only speak from my perspective that I want little to not interactions between my daughter’s mother however there are rare instances where I’m willing to be co-located in the same space, for my daughter.
I didn’t want to mask while I was attending at the party and at the same time, I had emotionally and prepared myself (to the best of my ability) for stepping into a situation where my ex is present with her new partner along with all my ex’s family members (e.g. brothers, parents, grand parents).
What I didn’t expect from the experience was bursting out into tears when her younger brother, Alex, asked me “How have you found the move to London?” I answered honestly and said, “It’s been so hard leaving friends and family behind. While I do love it here, I’m doing this predominately for Elliott.” Then I just started tearing up. It was a mix of how much I love my daughter so much and a moment of brief grief and sadness for the friends and family I left behind.
I really appreciate Mateus attending my daughter’s birthday party with me. After the party, I was still feeling emotional and his presence and validation that the energy in that space was “off” was validating.
I also recognized during the birthday party that after being with my ex for 6 years, I’ve formed and developed relationships with other people attending the birthday party, including her brothers, their brothers partners. Despite wanting to distance myself as much as possible from my ex, I became aware that I miss the relationships that I had formed with those others. I don’t maintain contact with them for various reasons. Chief among those reasons is that during the early stages of the divorce process, my ex would bring up my Instagram stories during our mediation despite me blocking her on social media. I figured she was getting her information from our mutual friends and family however I recognize while that is possible, the more likely scenario is that she was (or is) periodically checking my public Instagram (and YouTube) page.
Rest and Recovery (sort of) and visiting tourist attractions
I’ve lived in London now for 5 months and somewhat embarassingly admit that I have yet to tour any of the major tourist attractions. Seeing those landmarks are definitely beautiful and at the same time, I’ve never been drawn towards seeing those landmarks. Regardless, I did enjoy briefly visiting them with Mateus, the two of us seeing:
Buckingham palace
The London Eye
Big Ben
I threw in the towel at around 6pm and headed back to the flat before Mateus, allowing him to do more tourist things while I get some down time. When I had gotten home, I walked the dogs and then heated up a pizza and then baked us some vegan cookies (many folks who try out my cookies tell me that it’s some of the best cookies they ever eaten and that they don’t taste vegan: score).
I recently listened to a podcast episode by Harry Mack — a very gifted freestyle rap artist — named “Flow State” and I want to share a few key insights I took away regarding the art of practice. Though the discussion around his beliefs and advice revolve around freestyle rapping, I believe the principles can be more generally applied to other areas of life (e.g. dance) and ultimately, I think he’s ultimately describing mastery.
Harry Mack Podcast Snippet (60 seconds) recapping mastery
Some background: like many others, I like to think that I am someone who values process vs results. Though hitting objectives and reaching goals are important, especially in certain contexts, I stay rooted in the art of mastery in both my personal and professional pursuits. These days, given dance is at the forefront of my life, I’m less concerned about winning a dance battle and more concerned with exploring my mind and body during a performance:
What am I feeling?
What are my thoughts?
Together, these two help gain more self-awareness, help me better understand WHO I AM and help me better align myself with WHO I WANT TO BECOME.
Similarly, on a professional level, these days I’m less concerned with my title and role (something I used to obsess over) and more with what the day to day responsibilities include.
Now, I’ve been interested in the topic of practice and mastery for over a decade; according to my Amazon purchase history, I bought the book “Talent is overrated” and “Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment.” It’s a topic that I find myself gravitating towards on a daily basis.
Okay, enough background. Let’s get into it.
Main Take Away
Harry Mack transferred his knowledge of practice — he’s been playing music since he was 7 — and applied mastery to freestyle rap.
What practicing is NOT: just doing the activity
Here’s a common misconception when it comes to practice: just do the activity (e.g. dance, play the instrument) itself. Nope. That is NOT practice. While Harry Mack concedes that doing the activity itself will improve you skills and will help you ascend to a higher level, performing the activity is insufficient to reach what he considers an elite level. To reach an elite level, one must devote time to actual practice.
So what is it?
What is practicing?
Practice is about identifying your weakness and is more or less fairly regimented. A subtle (but what I consider important) point he makes is that the activity should feel fun and that you are more or less “creating little games for yourself … that are aimed at specific weaknesses so that you can improve upon them.”
I apply this concept of practice to my dance journey. One (of many) area of weaknesses that I’m aware of is my lack of coordination to intentionally perform polyrhythms: move two (or more) body parts at different rhythms. Most recently, I am working on polyrhythm that consists of 1) The cross step 2) Head isolation and 3) Arm movement. Though the integration of all three is what I’m trying to accomplish, I am breaking it down in parts that are manageable and within the range of my abilities. Harry Mack underscores the importance of making the exercises tailor fit for yourself:
“If you are not able to achieve the goal at a decent percentage, you need to slow down, shaving away excess, so you get right to the thing that you’re working on.”
Harry Mack’s example of practicing triplets
His practice is not something he would not typically do in front of others because practice seems rather mundane and he believes (though I disagree here) that his audience would not find it entertaining or engaging.
An example of practice (for him) is triplet rhythms, with one syllable rhymes. The practice would be him rapping four bars:
Off of the top I get in the zone.
I’m on the one I’m never no clone.
I do my bars direct off the dome.
I send these rappers all the way home
He’d perform this exercise for 20 minutes and reminds the listeners of the podcast that the practice is NOT a performance.
Performance: where the rubber meets the road
As mentioned above, practice is highly regimented with clear parameters. When it comes to performing (in front of others), Harry Mack offloads all the regimented practice, letting it all go: “[Performance is] bringing everything together in real time without the regimented structure and there are no rules”
Summary
Ultimately, to practice, you want to come up with your own exercises that:
Get you into a flow state
Match your current skill level
Flow state is not about repeatedly doing something easy. It’s a meditative state.
In fact, it’s about “doing the thing that is at the razor’s edge of your ability …. we can make practice fun; don’t bite off more than you can chew. The surest way that practice doesn’t feel flowy and fun is try to do something that’s way outside your ability and you’re just fucking up the whole time.”
If you are tripping up, try slowing it down, making it easier somehow, or reducing scope.
Today I meditated for an entire 20 minutes. For me, that’s a long time, as someone who struggles to still.
Here’s what went down for today. The first 10 minutes was basically a paired muscle relaxation (PMR), tensing muscles (e.g. hamstring, glute, bicep) and releasing them, silently and mentally whispering the word “relax” to myself. I have been practicing this on and off, inconsistently the last year, first learning about the effects of PMR on reducing anxiety; this practice was introduced during my dialectical behavior therapy group.
After this paired muscle relaxation exercise, I transitioned to another “breathing” exercise, focusing on the breath and again, classically conditioning my body and training myself to relax the nervous system on command. It goes like this: inhale, hold the breath, count to 4 seconds, slowly exhale. Do this 10 times in a row, which makes up a single round. After the round, repeat a mantra, something to the effect of “Whenever I say easy easy easy, my body goes completely relaxed.”
There’s multiple motivations to reinstate my meditation practice.
First, “have you started a meditation practice” is more or less the first comment that you’ll receive upon joining the Stretch Therapy forum.
Meditation goes hand in hand with stretching and as important (and dare I say: more important) than stretching itself. The idea is to increase your awareness, allowing you to be mindful of where (throughout the day) you hold tension; in what areas, in what muscles. Only then can establish new habits, new patterns that replace the (now) unnecessary — perhaps at one point in time, the tension served a purpose — tension.
Second, I’m currently on the path of becoming the greatest dancer I can possibly be. Not by anyone else’s measuring stick, but my own.
And I recognize as part of this journey, one of the biggest hurdles is the mental side of dance. The psychological challenges are ones that I’ve avoided in other disciplines, including tennis. I was once a good tennis player, on that path of being a great tennis player, but I could never “perform” under stress (for reasons I won’t get into here). The same stress feelings followed me in other activities including playing guitar, singing, and now in dance.
Furthermore, I believe that the self-induced stress predominately stems from what Michael Gervais calls FOPO: fear of other people’s opinion. I won’t go into too much detail of that here (check out my book reading progress) but I strongly believe that if I stay the course of practicing mastery, stay the course of mitigating the impact my worry thoughts about what others think of me, that something great will happen.
I’m struggling to type this out because right now, my intestines are inflamed due an irritable stomach caused by 5 trips to the toilet in the last couple hours yesterday evening. Though in severe pain, I am grateful right now that Elliott has returned to her mother’s care — Elliott alternates weekends between her mother and — yesterday evening. I’m unsure what causes the back to back bowel movements. Was it under-cooked cookies? Was it accidentally touching raw meat (this has happened once before) because I recall my kitchen glove ripping in the midst of preparing the dogs food. Whatever it is, I’m in severe pain right now and practicing deep breathing. What’s surprising is that the pain increased beyond my threshold after I performed my stretching routine this morning; had my stomach been this upset when I first woke up, then there’s not a chance I would’ve been able spend almost an hour going through my flexibility routine.
Yesterday
Met up for a scheduled play date between Elliott and her (former) classmate – The girls played together (for about an hour) at a soft play. Elliott is becoming more and more independent and it’s bittersweet. I love playing with her AND I enjoy catching a break while she plays with her friends, allowing me to somewhat relax and just have an adult conversation with other parent(s)
Cooked Elliott lunch – she’s loves the taste bolognese pasta (literally she says “yummy”) so I keep a couple frozen tubs sitting in the freezer
Napped for an hour while Elliott watched a couple episodes of some show on Disney+
Watched Pokémon Episode 6 with Elliott before her mom picked her up
Today
Given my current upset stomach, I’m going to take it easy on myself. I will actually try and head back to the flat after lunch and take a nap, which tends to help these infrequently stomach flare ups.
Visit my honor guide and step through some administrative tasks – Respond to divorce lawyers emails, respond to property management emails
Update: As of 11:00 am, my piecing stomach/intestine pains have subsided. I’ve also relocated from Prét a manger to the Starbucks next door, since the WiFi speeds are substantially better here (for now)
Initially woke up at 4:00am and felt it was a bit too early so gently put myself back to sleep with a couple deep breathes. It’s now 5:18am and feel much more fresh. I have about an hour and 45 minutes (maybe less) before Elliott wakes up. As a single dad who has his daughter alternating weekends, I maximize my time with by giving her mostly my full attention, although there are moments where I need a few minutes to myself throughout the day, especially when there’s conflict between us (which is normal) and me taking a step back to inhale a few deep breathes gives just enough pause so that I can behave as a parent in a way that’s consistent with my long term values.
Yesterday
Woke up early yesterday and took advantage of the 90 minutes or so writing a daily review
Played slime with her and it was originally completely stuck to my hand before the slime activator kicked in
Before heading off to the festival, Elliott asked if we could practice her riding her bicycle. I’m continuing to use this technique that another parent suggested, where you wrap a sweater around their waist as to avoid having to bend your back the entire time. On Friday, I had used my very expensive sweater and regret doing that because that small amount of time wrapped around Elliott’s waist ended up stretching my sweater. So now I use a scarf.
Took Elliott to this AMAZING day festival
Elliott snapped a few photos of me with the digital single lens reflex (DSLR) camera and she already (like most kids, I would imagine) developing this creative perspective. I also was impressed and proud that a couple of the photos that she had taken were not blurry (like the featured image on this post)
I had setup the movie “Inside out 2” for Elliott on the projector while I stretched my quads for about 10 minutes, then joined her to watch before the two of us fell asleep
I felt so much love and joy at random moments yesterday, including her just coming up to me while I was walking towards the bathroom and then grabbed me, kissed me on the forehead and said, “I love you dad” and then nonchalantly walked away. She’ll never realize, or won’t realize for a long time until she’s much older, how much these little moments mean to me
Some of the stuff she says absolutely lights me up like, when I taught her yesterday what was “Come as you are”, a term from the house dance community, and she said, that kind of reminds her of “Become yourself” which to me, are strikingly similar.
Another favorite moment of mine was while we were at the daytime festival, the two of us were at a jewelry vendor and both trying on different rings. There’s several subtle, unobservable from the outside, things that I love about this moment. Though I felt the beginnings of anxiousness that Elliott, about to turn 5, would lose or knock over some rings, I just took a deep breath and practiced that even if she did, that happens to all of us. I quieted my mind, quieted my sensitive to people’s opinion, and continued on. At the same time, I recognize that not all little children are mature enough to be playing with jewelry and perhaps that might make the seller nervous but all turned out well and in the end, Elliott walked away with a toe ring (others were too small) wrapped out her cute little index finger
I felt a little disappointed in myself for a short period as a dad when it was lunch time and ordered us Indian food but it ended up being too spicy for Elliott and so she was hungry and because the lines were so long, I quickly got her a doughnut just to satiate her for a couple minutes (it’s not that nutritious) then stood in line for mac n’ cheese, which ended up being really really delicious (albeit expensive for a kid’s portion). Note to self: pack (more) snacks cause you never know when food lines are going to be wrapped out the corner and although as an adult I can wait, it must be challenging for little bodies who are not accustomed to the hunger sensation
After lunch, Elliott and I shared a delicious double scoop ice cream, mango on top, peppermint on the bottom (I remember this little detail because the presumable manager had directed the employee who was serving us to assemble the ice cream in that order). What I also loved about this little moment was that Elliott noticed that the cone they were about to scoop the ice cream on top of was not the colorful cone (that we had paid for) and she made it a point to tell them. I’m really proud that she speaks up for herself. At the same time, sometimes the way in which she delivers her message can be a bit jarring so part of my job as a dad is to both encourage her to speak up (an area I struggled with growing up) and at the same time, do so in a way that’s more receptive then just a stating a directive.
At the end of the daytime festival, on our way out, though we were both tired (and I was seeing if we could buy some time before heading to the Red Bull BC One breaking down the house event), I asked if she wanted to make her own T-Shirt at an arts and crafts tent. Not wanting to make assumptions, I walked up to the two staff working there and asked, “Can you explain how this works and does it cost anything?” I’m proud of myself because even these little types of interactions in the past used to give me social anxiety, sometimes the thought of “You should know better” voice in my head that probably came from a lifetime of being told that over and over from my parents (more particularly my father)
Felt a bit disappointed that we didn’t end up going to the Redbull BC One event because I really wanted to the (house dance) community compete and Elliott was so exhausted from being out all day that I wanted to honor and respect her wishes to go home
Today
Loose plans for Elliott to spend some time with an old classmate of hers, me and her classmate’s parents setting up a play date for the two girls
Elliott will be returning back to her mom at 5pm tonight
For about 8 years, I was a ghost on social media. The time period is about 2014-2022.
No Instagram.
No Twitter.
Nothing (OK fine, LinkedIn but that’s really for professional development).
I deliberately shut myself offline. I had deactivated and deleted both my Instagram and Facebook profile, losing all the connections I had previously made over the years. I had taken this (what I consider) all or nothing stance, prioritizing and valuing privacy without fully considering the implications. I also believed, at the time, as many others do, that the online connections held no value.
However, in retrospect, like everything else in life, there’s a price to pay. On some level, I lost staying looped into what my friends and family were up to. Similarly, they lost touch with what was going on in my world. Yes, I concede there are other mechanisms for spreading life updates but the reality is that social media can be very effective in this regards.
To be clear: having an online profile does not automatically imply that you are social.
Having a profile does not imply you are connected and plugged into your community, into your friend’s lives.
In my opinion, that social capital is gained through showing up and interacting with others. Consistently. There’s no substitute for cumulative interactions.
And through consistent interactions with others, you start to develop trust with others, which is hard earned as an outsider, a role that I’m all too familiar with as someone who not only moved around significantly throughout my childhood (e.g. 5 different schools over 6 years) — something I’d like unpack in another post
Also, “showing up” takes many forms. A warm hug. Sipping a tea with a friend. Throwing your arms around a friend or family member when they are experiencing grief or sadness.
Quite frankly, the in person experience cannot be replaced. The human touch cannot be emulated.
However, short of that, there are other opportunities to cultivate friendships.
Sending voice messages.
Talking on the phone.
Sending text messages.
Again, there’s nuance and multiplicity in building your own social fabric, your own connected world.
So, back to participating in social media. I have my own intentions and want to (continue) using social media with some intention. Aware that the way in which I use social media may evolve over time, here’s how I practice social media right now:
Showcase what’s going on in my life
Share local events that I plan on attending
Share other friends posts/stories that I find interesting, inspirational, admiring
The reason I post about my life is the same reason I follow along other’s updates: to either get acquainted with their life and stay plugged in.
Whether it’s a Instagram story or Instagram post, I get just enough insight into some other person’s life and that can compel me to reach out to them. Generally speaking, people tend to share about things that they value (or disgust them). In this way, when I find people who share similar values, I more inclined to build a real life connection with them.
Second, ever since I could get my hand on a camcorder, I’ve been recording videos and snapping photos. In fact, I have footage of me learning how to break dance when I was about 9 years old. I have footage of the last moments with me and my uncle before he passed away from a long battle of cancer.
I love capturing and showcasing what I consider beautiful (this reminds me of “American Beauty”). I equally enjoy giving people a platform to showcase themselves.
Third, learning how to stay on my own two feet and building a practice of fighting FOPO, as Michael Gervais calls it, fear of other people’s opinion. This deserves an article blog post on its own because I am actively working on reducing my sensitive to both
other people’s acceptance of me and
other people’s rejection of me
Two sides of the same coin. Though my sensitivity to other’s opinions has driven me in ways that I am grateful for, it’s limited me in more ways than one: going for things I want despite people disapproving it, shooting my shot (with people or opportunities) that I otherwise would not go for out of fear.
Anyways, just my .02 at 5:30 am on a Saturday morning, typing quietly as possible, breathing like a mouse, as to not wake up Elliott up who is bound to wake up in the next hour.
When I was a young boy, from about 5 to 13 years old, I used to dream horrible nightmares that would wake me up in the middle of the night. For those 7-8 childhood years, the nightmares themselves centered around Chucky the Doll (do not recommend), a film that I had accidentally watched (a family debate still exists as to how exactly I ended up watching that but that’s neither here nor there).
Fast forward to present day.
I’m 36 years old, still get nightmares.
However, these days, my nightmares are less fictitious.
There’s no killer doll.
There’s no spooky monster.
There’s no serial killer.
Instead, my nightmares revolve around more realistic scenarios.
This nightmare from this morning in particular was a bit more plausible (not possible) scenario. In this nightmare, my (now ex) wife and I were laying in bed next to one another and I told her that I will see her in (marital) court on November 28th (in reality, this is a real date set my the court system in the United Kingdom after countless efforts with trying to resolve a financial settlement but I digress) and her response was:
“Good luck. I’m pregnant again.”
Even in my sleep state, the notion of being stuck in that relationship terrified and triggered me enough to the point that I shot up from my laying position, waking up, gasping for air. The idea of being stuck in a relationship from someone that I am actively trying to distance myself from gives me the chills.
So recognizing it was way too early in the morning, I shut my eyes closed, drew in a few breathes, and gently fell back asleep for another 90 minutes, until 5:30am, my normal wake up time.
