Matt Chung's Site

Category: Life

  • Half term Highlights – Part 1

    Elliott is still asleep in the bedroom and I’m afforded the quiet morning to read, reflect, write. In a couple hours (hopefully), she’ll slowly rise and then shortly after I’ll drop her back off at her mom’s house. So, here are some morning musings.

    On trying Onion Rings

    I offered Elliott an onion ring to try out and she smiled and said “Sure, I’ll try one.” She proceeded to reach into the freshly opened bag, grabbed one onion ring, and ever so slightly stuck out the tip of her tongue and tasted it and immediately said “I don’t even need to eat it because I HATE IT already.” I couldn’t help but burst out in laughter. Her honesty— kids in general — is so raw, so beautiful. I’m not offended in the slightest bit and understand (especially within British culture) how that response from her would’ve been labeled or interpreted as rude but to me, absolutely hilarious.

    Video recap of Monday

    Been practicing taking footage on my DSLR and practicing improving my editing skills (thanks again Wei for suggesting I start off with experimenting with shadow, temperature and highlights).

    On being kind to oneself, others and communicating boundaries

    Elliott knocked over the container of beads, about a hundred of them flying all of the kitchen floor. The spill happened just before we were heading to bed and I had let out a big sigh of frustration. And then proceeded to say “These things happen Elliott. Could happen to anyone.” The way I speak to her is no different than the way I’ve learn to talk to myself: with kindness and self-compassion. In addition to being kind with her — with words — I showed functional validation and dropped to the floor to help pick up the sea of beads. Initially, she said “How about you pick up the beads and I’ll continue playing.” In response I said, “Elliott, I’m here to help you however it is also part of your responsibility to clean up after yourself as well.” She initially resisted, and proceeding to assemble a new pattern when I then placed a boundary: “Elliott, please come down here and help me pick up the beads. Otherwise, after I pick them up, I will throw them away.” In general, I try to start with positive encouragement and more often than not, she (more so lately) is more than willing to help however in some scenarios, I find it appropriate to clearly (to the best of my ability) communicate consequences: not empty threats. Often I’m reminded of Dr. Becky’s definition of boundaries, which is (paraphrasing here): in order for a boundary to take effect, the OTHER person does not need to DO ANYTHING. In that way, boundaries differ to requests. With a boundary, for it be enforced, I take action.

    Drinking Sparkling Mango while taking a bath

    Elliott typically does not like sparkling drinks but after she tried out this mango flavored sparkling drink from M&S, she loved it, so much so that while giving her a bath last night, she asked if I could pour her a cup of the drink and if she could drink while bathing. Why not?

  • 37th birthday – a life worth living

    Almost exactly a year ago, I moved to London as a 36-year old single dad in the midst of a rather contentious and divorce (they all are) mired with unanticipated betrayal that left me questioning myself and questioning how I failed to see the signs that were actually always there (hindsight is 20/20 they say).

    But I digress.

    Last year, not having forged any (what I consider) meaningful relationships or friendships in London, I had celebrated my birthday more or less alone (to be fair, I took a private 1:1 dance lesson with Ani that day and she surprised me with a little cupcake: very kind of her). But yesterday, a year later, I hosted 20+ friends (and some acquaintances that may transition into friendships) over at my flat. Hosting my own birthday party, from an outside perspective, might not hold much significant but to me, marks the beginning of another huge transition in my life.

    Yesterday’s gathering came to fruition as a result of:

    1. dialectic behavior therapy helping me become aware and confront some difficult negative emotions and how to construct a life worth living
    2. Oliver Burkeman’s chapter from Meditation for Mortals sharing his perspective on hosting people and employing “scruffy hospitality”

    The day leading up to my actual birthday and on the day of my birthday, I had the thought of frantically cleaning up the house so it appeared (or rather, gave the illusion) that I was completely orderly. This urge to line things up in perfect order has historically overpowered me. Unaware of this perfectionist tendency most of my life and only in the last year recognizing how deep that shame avoidant behavior runs. These days, I’m more accepting, more kind to myself and if/when people judge me, I repeat to myself: it’s okay, let’s them.

    My birthday unfolded beautifully and yesterday I moved through the day in what Oliver Burkeman calls an “unclenched way”. I recognized how the moments were fleeting and understood it as “not a threat to what’s unfolding, but as the source of its value.”

    “You won’t feel like you know what you’re doing. But nobody ever does; that’s just how it is for finite humans, attempting new things. The main difference between those who accomplish great things anyway and those who don’t is that the former don’t mind not knowing.”

    On scruffy hospitality

    “Scruffy hospitality means you’re not waiting for everything in your house to be in order before you host and serve friends in your home. Scruffy hospitality means you hunger more for good conversation and serving a simple meal of what you have, not what you don’t have. Scruffy hospitality means you’re more interested in quality conversation than in impression your home or lawn makes.” (pg. 133, Meditation for Mortals).

    “… wasn’t there something odd about putting so much effort into hiding the daily reality of their lives from the people they called their friends, or with whom they wanted to become friends?” (pg. 133, Meditation for Mortals)

    “To put on an impressive show for visitors is to erect a facade … the idea that such a facade is mandatory, if visitors are to be admitted to your life, must arise from the assumption that there’s something incomplete or inadequate about your life the rest of the time. Since your visitors’s home is presumably likewise usually a mess, it might even imply there’s something wrong with their lives, too. No wonder calling off the whole performance forges a deeper bond.” (pg. 134, Meditation for Mortals)

    Some Kodak moments in my head:

    • Almost anytime Ani caught a cute moment of Elliott, she turn her head back towards her boyfriend Yuki. It’s beautiful to witness and to me, seems like someone is ready to bear children
    • Number of friends playing and engaging with Elliott – The way they engaged with her so authentically filled my heart up. Some folks are into kids. Some are not. There’s no right no wrong here.
    • “Of course it’s overwhelming when lots of people are over and whenever you need to take time to retreat back to your room for some alone time, that’s normal and okay and also would love to have you out there with all of us” – At the beginning of the party, Elliott retreated back to her own room and I am all too familiar with the feeling of overwhelm growing up. Without bad intentions, it would be far too easy as a parent to invalidate and dismiss her feelings. From my perspective, there’s no need to force her to “be social” out of being “respectful”. At the same time, I wanted to encourage to take part and participate and apply “act opposite”. In the end, throughout the day, she hung out in the backyard with all of us the majority of the party, participated in the activities (e.g. limbo, jump roping) and would periodically retreat back to her room for minutes at a time when she felt she needed space.
    • Elliott “People should take off their shoes so it doesn’t get muddy in the house.” At first, I had the thought of permitting people to wear their shoes since that’s implicit in Western house holds. But I myself do not wear shoes in the house and Elliott and I practice putting our shoes on the rack so I informed folks to leave their shoes by the front door, no problem here.
    • Witnessing Yuki transition from sitting on his bottom to a squat position by tilting his pelvic and without using his hands – only other person at the party who could do it in this manner was Thi-Anh and Elliott
    • Multiple people saying “food was amazing” – I feel fortunate that I was able to get catered food from my friend’s Vietnamese restaurant in London. Though I appreciate some people thinking that I cooked the food, cooking is neither a skill that I’m currently good at nor is a something I’m inherently motivated by. But I do believe in the magic of good food, the way it somehow plays a role in forming community
    • Serendipity of jump roping, pistol squats (i.e. single legged squats) – only at a party filled with athletic individuals (e.g. dancers)
    • Little gifts from Steve (cupcake, recicprocating what I got him for his birthday) and a traveler’s mug from NZ
    • Nora helping clean up by grabbing the empty bottles and placing them outside in the front recycling bin
    • Ani attempting to greet and let other guests at the front door in but she couldn’t figure out to operate the door and said “Sorry Matt, useless here.” Gave me a proper chuckle
    • Heidi offering to make me a drink – small and specific gesture that I really appreciated it. Yesterday, I was bouncing back and forth between consistently heating up food in the oven, stirring delicious vegan curry, cooking rice, checking on Elliott, popping out in the backyard and chatting with people
    • Heidi drawing a painting of Elliott in her beautiful dress
  • Mystique (family dog): 1 year remembrance

    Mystique (family dog): 1 year remembrance

    It’s been one year since you left us and moved on to doggy heaven. I miss you so much. I feel a bit guilty about forgetting the day of your passing and what sparked the memory was me scrolling through my YouTube video archive and noticed the title of the video: July 29, 2023 – Mystique’s departure.

    Last year, I received a text message from Myles (our brother), him letting me know that that you, our family dog, (about 16 years old) was suffering and that the family had decided it was finally time to put you down. Immediately I felt a wave of grief wash over me. I was both ready and not ready for this day.

    They had booked a vet to come to the house so that you could leave us with some grace and dignity, not in some vet’s office that seems … just so clinical. Because of how much I love you (and I know how much you love me), I couldn’t bear the thought of you leaving this world without me being there physically for you in those last moments. So I had asked mom if she could postpone the vet appointment by 1 day, allowing me to hop on the next plane from Seattle and get down to Los Angeles. And so she was willing and I’m so grateful I was able to spend those last moments with you.

  • On practicing repair with my daughter

    On practicing repair with my daughter

    I value the act of repairing relationships after experiencing conflict, especially with my daughter. Repair as a concept was something I learned after stumbling on Dr. Becky Kennedy’s TED Talk titled “The most important parenting strategy.” The premise is simple: as parents we are imperfect (on the daily I practice unlearning perfectionism). And as imperfect parents, we are bound to mess, to fumble, to falter. And for this reason, when we do fall short with our loved ones, we can practice repairing any damage (small or large).

    I cannot recall the last time I lost my cool with Elliott.

    In her presence, I often keep my DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skills at the fore front of my mind, frequently applying wise mind and the GIVE (Gentle, Be interested, Validate, Easy) skill: attuning to her and validating her feelings (this is especially important to me as someone who grew up and still struggles with chronic invalidation).

    Regardless of being equipped with these skills, I fell a short yesterday.

    Okay, you are NOT going to get bubble gum anymore

    Those are the words that slipped off my tongue after we missed our bus that was no more than 10 feet away from us; the bus driver and I were even making eye contact with one another, him not pulling away from the curb for as long as he could without delaying the other riders.

    Elliott had refused to hop on the bus and stood by the side of the road because she was upset and requested that we purchase bubble RIGHT then and there. When the bus had pulled away, I drew in a deep breath and sat myself down at the bus bench, not before telling Elliott we were no longer going to get bubble gum.

    Her response: Fine. I don’t want it anyways.

    That was a clue for me that I had faltered. She loves bubble gum. I know she wants it and she’s just also frustrated. How many times in our lives have we said “Fine” to our loved ones? More than I’d like to admit.

    In the moment, I experienced feelings of guilt and disappointment.

    Before spiraling down in self-shame, in the midst of it, I reminded myself: I am a good dad having a hard time. At the same time, Elliott is a good kid having a hard time.

    These days, I am practicing how to tolerate her being disappointment and want to teach how to tolerate feelings of discomfort (especially due to the link between inability to tolerate frustration and entitlement).

    In retrospect, when analyzing the chain of events, I recognize that the two of us were both struggling with the vulnerability factors: it was about 80 degrees outside, sun beaming down on us. Nobody is at their best when baking in the sun and sweaty and rushing.

    Anyways, after about 30 seconds of deep breathing, I brought my attention to my own body and during that brief moment of silence between us, I had flash backs from my own childhood, a flood of memories of my own dad refusing to talk to me after him and I had an altercation: the complete opposite of repairing a conflict. Wanting to chip away at passing down inter generational trauma, I practiced repair:

    Elliott, I know you really wanted the bubble gum and it must be so hard to wait for it until after lunch. And we agreed to get it after lunch, not before. And we just missed our bus so daddy was a bit frustrated. We will still get bubble gum after lunch and next time the bus arrive, can you help cooperate with dad and step on to it when we it’s here?

    Not the perfect sentences I’ve strung together for repair. That’s okay. I’m getting better.

    In the end, she unexpectedly threw her arms around me, held my dad and then the two of us waited at the bus stop for the next bus.

    I’m not a perfect dad. Nor am I aiming to be.

  • Foot injury and recovering from (potentially) foot poisoning

    Foot injury and recovering from (potentially) foot poisoning

    • In London, I religiously attend (House) Dance classes every Tuesday and Thursday evening. That’s my ritual
    • Unfortunately, this will be the second week that I’m not attending class due to Bunionette (i.e. Tailor’s Bunion) flaring up, me unable to bear my full weight on the left side of my foot
    • Though I’m not 100% sure, I suspect that the Tailor Bunion has less to do with overuse (that was my initial guess) and more to do with the barefoot (on hardwood) 2 hour movement / mobility workshop that coincided with the dance workshop
    • In addition to foot pain, Sunday evening I started feeling “off” in my body. Sweaty despite cool weather. When I had returned back to my flat, I had the urge to rush to the toilet and suddenly I had two back to back aggressive diarrhea, an absolute purge of whatever was in my body
    • I tried to analyze what I had eaten throughout the day and nothing out of the usual. But the one outlier was that (because I ran out of food gloves) I was handling the dog’s (raw) chicken with my bare hand (something I never do) and I suspect that (despite washing my hands) I probably flicked some raw chicken in my mouth
    • So yesterday, I practiced self-compassion because due to the stomach pain, had woken up several times throughout the night, curled up in the fetal position. So I was barely able to work (put in about 2 hours) and ended up heading to the chemist (i.e. pharmacy) and picked up Paracetamol and took it twice, 2 pills each time (4 hours apart)
    • Thankful that I didn’t have Elliott the evening I was sick otherwise I would not have been able to give her much parental attention that I’d like
  • Practicing short and simple post – Recap of today

    Practicing short and simple post – Recap of today

    In many areas of my life, I am mindfully resisting perfection. Same applies to this blog post. Instead of another post sitting in DRAFT status, I’m going to publish a post with a few bullet points:

    • Elliott woke me up a couple times throughout the night so when I woke up at 5:00 am this morning, I felt like a train hit me: I’m totally exhausted
    • She helped me make her own breakfast today – I pulled up a chair so that she could stand above the stove and I helped her pour in the eggs into the pan. Yes — cooking breakfast takes more time but I enjoy teaching her and she loves feeling involved. Also, one top of the egg omelet, we spread seaweed all over
    • We took “Racey” (her new toy remote control car I purchased her) to the park
    • Juggled three balls in the kitchen – while she was eating breakfast, I juggled and at one point, juggled two balls in one hand and she was like “wow dad!”
    • We watched parts of Toy Story – I skipped over parts I felt that would be too scary for a 4.5 year old
    • I let her watch about 45 minutes of Disney+ while I napped next to her – I was struggling, hanging on by a thread. So she sat next to me while I napped for about 30 minutes to recover from her numerous wake ups (see above)
  • Receiving end of racism: distress tolerance (STOP) skill

    Receiving end of racism: distress tolerance (STOP) skill

    It’s been a while since I experienced overt racism but today, while working remotely in the Morden Costa coffee shop, a man sitting a few tables away from me, shouted “Hey, CHINA man”, trying to get my attention. After I ignored him, he followed with shouting out a few expletives, then proceeded to step outside the front door, temporarily leaving his belongings behind.

    I felt in my body my subjective unit of distress (SUD) increase.

    I recognized I was distressed but could not immediately pinpoint my primary emotion. So I immediately applied the STOP distress tolerance skill: the goal is not to improve the situation, but not make it worst. And the reason I decided to just momentarily pause was because I had the thought to dart over to him and confront him, the urge to dangle my index finger in his face, wanting some sort of physical altercation.

    Now, in this moment, I recognize the primary emotion: anger.

    I felt injustice. Is it valid? Yes. Is the anger justified? Yes. And at the same time, acting on the anger would NOT be effective. That it, it would not be aligned with my long term values.

    After allowing a few minutes to pass, it’s now obvious that this man is either drunk (or on some other substance) and/or dealing with mental health issues. I’m in this moment, typing this, practicing compassion, trying to look beyond his visible behavior and give him the benefit. Of course, I would physically protect myself should he approach me and I felt like I couldn’t avoid, but I don’t feel that that’s the case.

  • Proud dad moment: Elliott blowing a bubble (gum)

    Proud dad moment: Elliott blowing a bubble (gum)

    Experiencing Joy and Pride

    • I experienced an intense level of joy (6 out of 5) today when Elliott blew her first bubble gum, which was caught on camera
    • I was so proud of her and felt even more proud of her response to my joyful reaction: “I feel proud of myself”
    • About 4 weeks ago, June 22, her and I picked (for the first time) up bubble gum at the local convenience store and started the chewing gum journey
    • After semi-regular practice (about once a week) she not only landed blowing bubble, but enjoyed the experienced so much that continued to chew gum for about 1-2 hours after

    Parenting philosophy

    • I recognize that I value independence and probably much more relaxed than the average parent when it comes to “rules”
    • As her father, I’m not seeking “compliance”. Often, Elliott asks the question “why” a lot. It’s not just a single “why”; sometimes its a recursive why of about 5-6 (sometimes more).
    • During these moments, I practice mindfulness and patience (for the long term), really putting my best foot forward to answer honestly. I love the fact that she probes and questions and applies critical thinking, even at the cost of (short term) effort and sometimes frustration that I experience

    Teaching emotions

    • We sat in bed today, watching trailers of “Inside Out” and “Inside Out 2”. She asked “who’s that” and I would explain that’s envy, a useful emotion. All emotions serve a purpose.
    • Emotions is not only something I am devoting time and energy as a 36 year old learning, but a topic that was never discussed with me growing up
    • I recognize in this life time, I can only pass so much down in one generation and if I had to prioritize, learning about our inner emotions is one of my main priorities

    Spiritual Growth of Elliott

    • Relatedly, I’m interested in nurturing her spiritual growth (cannot even define this yet and still learning about this topic)
    • I try to remain very curious of her own values and try to remain aware of my own blind spots and times when I imposing my own values. For instance, to name a few, I value physical activity, independence, curiosity. Will Elliott value those things? Maybe. Maybe not.
    • In fact, I already recognize (perhaps through osmosis from her mom) that Elliott pays attention to aesthetically beautiful things (I do not necessarily have a high value for beauty like things in nature)
  • Short self analysis on house dance move: toe tap

    Short self analysis on house dance move: toe tap

    I almost always post recap videos on Instagram after taking dance classes (of course unless the class does not permit or discourages filming). In addition to capturing, creating and posting these videos (that hopefully show the spirit of the class), I’ll sometimes review clips of me dancing in class, playing back certain moves that I remember not “clicking” during the class; then I will try to observe and identify what specific parts of the move I’d like to refine. From yesterday’s class, one move (there are others) that I noticed I want to evaluate and improve was the part of the loose leg transition: the toe tap.

    I like to be as specific as possible when attempting to self-correct a movement. And while there may be other aspects that could be “cleaned up”, the two that I’m going to direct my focus towards are:

    1. The the angle of the tapping leg when its lifting in the air – was not engaging the gluteus muscle (more on this below)
    2. The straightness of the base leg – again, was not engaging the gluteus

    As a relatively new dancer (i.e. less than a year), it’s not always obvious to me what appears “off” (that’s why I feel private 1:1 are so effective because instructors can often immediately articulate what specifically needs attention).

    In other words, sometimes my eye detects something needs improvement but I’m not able to pinpoint specifically what I’d like to change.

    As such, I will juxtaposition two videos side by side, lining up two clips: the first clip of someone I consider performing the move that inspires me and the second clip of myself. I then frame by frame play back the two videos in sync (a whole separate topic), relying on my eye to spot the subtle differences.

    After analyzing the above sequence, I walked over to the mirror hung up in my bedroom flat and then watched myself in the mirror as I emulated he r movement. I attempted to both straighten the base leg and lifted the tapping leg. What’s most interesting about this exercise is that (like I continually to learn over and over) I was essentially not engaging my gluteus muscles. My directing my attention to them and flexing them, the move itself cleaned up.

    So in short, dance for me serves as a mechanism — a vehicle — for increasing body awareness.

    Recap Video

  • Sadness following receiving a hurtful Instagram comment

    Yesterday I experienced a moment of sadness after reading a comment (see screenshot below) posted by (burner) Instagram account. I had thoughts that this person may be Jess (since I had blocked her account — along with her family — after she had repeatedly brought up my Instagram stories up during mediation and it was becoming increasingly painful and disappointing), a friend or family member of hers, or perhaps her new partner.

    I’m not sure and not only will I never know … and it’s not in my values to identify this person.

    Their comment definitely caught me off guard. I initially experienced guilt — not shame — and then I checked (and continuing to check) the facts. Ultimately, the guilt is not justified.

    However, this person is right to some degree: I have not been sharing the full story.

    That’s deliberate.

    The reason isn’t to create a false narrative.

    The reason isn’t to make myself “look good” as this person posits.

    The reason is this: it’s not within my values to share the whole story because doing so would, in my opinion, make Jess’s behaviors public and I am treating both mediation and divorce as sensitive and not something I feel is within my values nor necessary to share with random strangers on the internet. In other words, it would be unfair to her. Unfair to Elliott as well.

    Ultimately, as much as I disagree with her behaviors, which is driven by a difference in our values, it’s not in my wise mind to share those sensitive details with everyone publicly.